- Author : 26aqua
- support : 9
- Topic : Something’s not right
Hi to anyone who wants to read/listen.
I hate this life rn.
I'm full of agitation, irritation, aggressiveness (towards myself and others) and violence (towards myself).
I am over it. I can have a few mins of nah I'm ok. I'm cool, calm and content. Then within secs something has annoyed me so it's like I flip.
Gp wanted me to start a different SSRI. I decided not to due to my last experience with it. (Stopped antidepressant due to increased dose that sent me spiralling out of control in all aspects of my life, work, home, social).
I saw a psychologist once before Xmas and next is early feb.
I have a psychiatrist appt in 2 weeks and after melting down completely on Sunday I took myself to emergency dept. (I was arguing and irrational with s/o, I behaved in a violent way towards myself And I felt out of control).
I was there sometime and started getting anxious as I had 2 kids 12,14 at home alone. I told them i wanted to leave because i couldn't wait much longer. Because of my distress, they nearly did not let me go. Which caused a massive melt down type reaction from me. I fought with a good friend and my s/o during the same time over the phone, my s/o didn't think it was best I went to hospital in the event they wanted to keep me in as my kids home alone)
I went home after talking with the unit manager and agreeing I'd come back the next day.
I saw a MH nurse the following day, we spoke for sometime. He saw a few possible diagnosis and said it could also be very likely I'm dealing with at least 2 or 3 of these.
The thing is though, I don't feel depressed.
I don't want to underestimate depression here either. The MH nurse took time to explain depression is serious. I do understand ok. I just do not believe I'm symptomatic of depression. My mother spent over 25 yrs being misdiagnosed as having depression and major depressive disorder and abusing medications (I understand this now was due to them not working they way they should etc). I do not want to course through the next 15 years with a misdiagnosed disorder.
I had taken the black dog institute test, a few times now. In November it told me I had severe depression and anxiety with PTSD and bipolar symptoms.
December, again severe depression and anxiety with PTSD and bipolar.
Today I did it again, the depression and anxiety has fallen to a moderate level and no PTSD symptoms but still bipolar.
Mh nurse started me on a antipsychotic 25mg first night (last night) and to go up to 50mg each night after. He also said I could take 25mg in mornings if I felt I needed it.
I felt I needed it this morning and so I took it.
I joined a couple of support groups for bipolar and I relate to so damn much of the experiences the people share.
I also recognise alot of behaviours/symptoms my mother has/had. These could also be learnt.
I know that trauma can lead to BPD, bipolar and GAD. I have history of childhood sexual abuse and other traumatic experiences.
The MH nurse doesn't believe I have had a manic episode, rather only experienced possibly hypomanic episodes - although I only spent an hr with him so can hardly believe he could say so with such clarity.
I spend my money beyond my means, alot of times have gotten into big debts. Currently paying off over $12000 combined.
There has been a few times I've seen a GP and told them I'm not right, I don't feel right. But most of the time it's after I've exploded and in the downward spiral.
My episodes start with plenty of energy, then feels like nothing is being done properly either at work or home and I'm the only one who knows what they're doing properly. Then I start getting irritated or annoyed at small things. It could be the way a customer says something or having next to no milk after buying 3L the day before. My s/o seems to wear most of my episodes. My s/o will tell you I'm highly sexual, in fact we used to use sex to help dampen my agitated mood - only there are plenty of things he used to be able to do to talk me down, help me see sense, distract me from the overwhelming emotions and yet none of these things work anymore.
I've been recommended DBT a few times now and I do think this will be highly beneficial in my circumstance. It's something to talk to my psychologist about next visit.
I know medications take time to enter our systems and it's different for everyone.
Here's hoping this antipsychotic can help taper down this aggressive state I'm in.
I don't want to put my family through this anymore. This has been my life since i can remember and i like it.
Just a bit of a vent, get it out type thing.