Yeah I dunno about untangling it @CheerBear. Maybe some parts are untangleable in small ways someday. Or at least I hope so, if not for me then at least for other people.
This is the main thing behind my break from seeing my psych, and I have to figure part of it out before I can go back to see him again (self-imposed punishment/break/rule/whatever). It's playing out very intensely with him. I'm ok with it today and am just blanking out the feelings from it after it being too much. At the moment it's hard to see people having good relationships with their counselors/psychs/therapists (although I'm very glad that people have these good relationships, like I'm envious but don't want people to not have that... I just wish it was less complicated for me... if that makes sense) because it's not ok for me to have that. I need to stop thinking about this tonight to avoid bringing the feelings back. *eyeroll*
Hi @Teej. Thanks for your input. Yeah there's a fair bit of the "why would that person want to talk to me... then I feel needy or they think I'm needy" stuff. Instead of feeling anxious about it I get angry with myself for wanting it in the first place, because wanting it does mean that I'm being needy when I don't really need it. The 'human need' is ok to have for people who need it when they need it, but I don't/shouldn't.
It sounds tough to be dealing with being scared of being vulnerable and 'seen'. It's cool that you're starting to confront it though and I hope you get some acceptance and relief from the fear.
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