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  • Author : Razzle
  • support : 7
  • Topic : Our stories
2019-02-07T06:38:36+00:00
Razzle
Senior Contributor

@eth   Ive lost both sets of grandparents, my 9yo son, my mothers siblings and my dad.  Only 3 of those have left a huge hole in my life.

 

First was my mother’s father.  He was the greatest man to set foot on this planet, I thought he was perfect.  In reality, he was a hopeless alcoholic, but he wasn’t abusive or mean, in fact he was the opposite.  He would give his last $1 if someone needed it, even if that meant he couldn’t pay the rent (which apparently did happen - often), but to me he was the sun shine.  I dreamt of him for years after he died, often dreaming that he was still alive and was hiding somewhere.  He died of throat cancer - he’d had his voice box removed long before I was born, so I never heard him speak, but he out lived the dr’s predictions by about 30years - he was supposed to die 18months after diagnosis.  I saw him a few months before he died, but once he got really sick we weren’t allowed to visit him.  I was a teenager when he died.  I missed him so much, cried for months and months.  When I was pregnant with

my oldest child I dreamt that I had had the baby and was parked outside his house, I was trying to get the baby out of the car, all I wanted to do was introduce my new baby to my Pa, but something kept slowing me down and I felt like I was running out of time and I would miss that chance.  I woke up and felt distraught that my Pa wouldnt meet my baby, I was really going to miss that.  I still think of him often.

 

My next big loss was my 9yo son - who I don’t feel I ever actually grieved.  My husband was in the car accident (only he and my son were in the car).  My husband had been injured and my son had massive head trauma.  He was airlifted to the RCH, on life support for 4 days before he passed away.  I think I was in shock for a few days, then when we came home it was straight into looking after my husband (both wrists broken, a rib and bump on his head).  Organising a funeral, looking after my other 2 children that had just lost their brother, a court case looming - the other driver ran a give way sign and both cars collided so it went to court.

 

I dont feel like I was allowed to grieve.  If I got upset in front of my husband he’d get upset and feel guilty so I never showed much emotion in front of him.  My parents fell to pieces, so I felt I had to be strong in front of them, and getting upset in front of the kids only scared them, so I didn’t show any emotion in front of anyone.

 

The worst part, all our friends dumped us.  They’d pretend not to see us, cross the street rather than walk past us, 

they never contacted us, they’d have parties or dinners and we’d find out after the event.  We’re from a small town and our son was the first child death (aside from a 16yo girl a couple of years before) for about 20years.  It used to upset me greatly, but I would

never give those people the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

 

I cried in the shower, in bed at night, alone in my car and I tried my hardest to dream of him.  After a couple of years I finally did have a dream about him, but it was no comfort, it wasn’t a nightmare but it wasn’t a pleasant dream either.  I’ve only dreamt of

him twice more since, still not pleasant. For years I always felt uncomfortable, the best way I can describe it is that I felt like when I got up in the morning I put my clothes on backwards walking

around all day like that just to take them off at night and put my pjs on backwards - sleep (well try to) and repeat.  I just never felt comfortable in my own skin.  It was an incredibly lonely time in my life, and I felt I had no support at all.

 

My son loved the 80’s power ballads and songs from around that era (he was born in the late 90’s).  His favourite song was “I would walk 500 miles” which is often played at weddings - and I start tearing up - actually burst into tears a few times.  When it plays on the radio now I feel my heart drop.  

 

The thing is, I don’t grieve for what I

lost, I have those memories, I was there, I remember it all, and that won’t change, I grieve for his future that I won’t have with him - always wondering what he would be like now, especially when I see what his mates are up to.

 

The last person that left a huge hole was my dad.  We were great mates.  I was the youngest of 4, only daughter and could do no wrong in his eyes.  He was diagnosed with cancer (about 20 months ago) and 6 days later he died.  It was a huge shock to everyone.  In the weeks leading up to his diagnosis it was very stressful, and just hours before he died I had a massive falling out with my SIL - haven’t spoken to her since.  My dad died early hours of the morning, only my mum, 1 of my brothers and myself were with him when he passed, it was horrific.  That night, I was quite emotional and confided in my husband about the falling out with my SIL and he defended her.  My marriage basically ended that night too.  This time I cried in front of everyone.  My husband felt guilty about how he’d treated me, and seeing me upset made him upset too - and I didn’t give a rats arse about how he felt.  I concentrated on myself, and if I needed to get it out, I did.  Just like my son, I felt I had no support at all.  At the funeral,  my brothers had their wives comforting them, I was comforting my mum but there was no one there for me, something I still get stuck on now.

 

Grief comes and goes in waves now, sometimes a song will jog a memory and makes me sad.  Sometimes I want to tell my dad something and then remember he’s not there.  Some days I just feel so sad and have a cry in the shower or if I’m in the car alone.  

 

Lots of things just dont feel the same anymore.

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