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  • Author : Smile82
  • support : 6
  • Topic : Something’s not right
Casual Contributor

I have been with my wife for 13yrs and married 9.

When we married I knew there would be some needs she would never be great at meeting. Due to what I thought was undiognosed ASD (diognosed now 1yr). 
I also thought there would likely be a time her childhood trauma (which she was only just starting to recall bits of) would likely lead to her getting unwell. 

3 years ago that happened, it has been far more serious than I expected and the abuse far greater than I realised.


she now has diognosis of CPTSD  & ASD. 
for the last 3 years she has been in and out of inpacient stays and worked with various community MH teams. With varying results including being retraumatised by some experiences. 

despite having regular therapy throughout about once week, progress has been slowed, largely the ASD is felt to be blocking progress but lack of understanding of ASD by professionals and incorrect diognosis also have not helped. 

she finally seems to have a support team around her that understand her. She is slowly starting to return to work and is rebuilding her life despite still being acutely unwell. Only discharged from latest stay yesterday & still very suicidal.


Throughout people have said look after you self care all that and I thought I was but couple months ago things started to impact my job, I had to go see new psychologist and she said it sounds like there is loss there. It hit me like a truck. Since then I am have realised how much I have lost and how little my needs are met from this relationship. 

I love her very much, i care for her very much but I'm not sure I can be in this relationship any longer.  I want to prioritise myself and find someone who can meet my needs. 

the thing is she is not abusive, she doesn't drink or use drugs. She loves me so much and while she struggles to met my needs she really really tries. 

Am I being selfish, to say your efforts and love are not enough? 

should I wait and see if things improve as she gets better? But if so how long do I wait? It's been 3yrs since she got unwell. But I have had these feeling twice before in our marriage and stayed. Am I just delaying the inevitable? 

also what if I do leave and she kills herself? That's a real possibility and what gives me the right to say my life satisfaction is more important than her life?


she is an amazing person with big heart and makes huge difference to number of people in her life. Am I just expecting to much of one person? 

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