Lived Experience Forum

[Catlady7]

Yesterday I drank to excess at my parents house and caused such disappointment and embrassment. The last few weeks I've spoken out loud about how drinking does not provide any benefits to me and that I can't control myself and turn into another person. 
Yesterday I drank so much and made stupids comments to which I can't remember and now my family won't speak to me.
I've  known for a while I need to do something as these situations continue to happen although less and less as the years go on. I don't drink during the week. 
I've barely been drinking.

But then once I start I can't stop. And the anxiety and sheer depression I have post these nights or events just leaves me with less self worth than I already have. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I don't know how long it is going to take to win everyone's trust back again. 
I am already on meds for depression and have a great GP. I just don't know how to break this habit and know I need to stop drinking. I am just so upset with myself and the fear that my family now hates me.

[greenpea]

@Catlady7  Hi sweetheart I have a drinking problem and made the decision 5 years ago to stop. It is the only way I am afraid. I am here if you want to talk. @greenpea

[StuF]

@Catlady7 
Hi,

I've not had a problem with drinking, but had other addictions. As @greenpea said , you have to find a way to stop, period. But I get that it is hard. Especially in this country, drinking (even to excess) is so normalised.

Speak more with your GP. It is encouraging that you already have a good relationship with one.

[greenpea]

@StuF  Hi StuF you are right stopping is the only way and there is help out there.x

[chibam]

Hi @Catlady7 . Welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your family. I hope they won't stay mad at you for too long.

If you want to give up drinking, would it help to focus on the things you enjoy when you are sober, whenever you feel tempted or pressured to drink?

[StuF]

@greenpea @Catlady7 

I wanted to add: what @Catlady7 is describing is not necessarily an addictive behaviour, so I hope that doesn't put your nose out of joint. But it does sound like a form of substance abuse/issue, so some shared characteristics.

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Catlady7 

I don't drink but have other addictions, so I empathise. 

It doesn't sound like you have a counsellor to help with strategies? 

I'm wondering how you'd feel about going to a psychologist? 

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply. 

I hope you find the forums supportive. 

[Paperdaisy]

@Catlady7 I can definitely empathise with you. For me, I had to look at the reasons why I was getting out of control with drinking and deal with those things. I also found the people I cared about were forgiving when they saw I was making an effort to be more open to working out my stuff. 💝

[pinklollipop15]

Hi @Catlady7 

How are you going?

I have never drank but certainly have had addictions and for me it's going easy on myself and taking it a step at a time. 

Take care. 

[Malus]

Hi Catlady 🙂 

I am a recovering alcoholic, myself - I can relate to many of the things you have described.
I have been 5 and a half months sober now and have spent most of the period between August 2020 and now sober as well, with a few slips in between. Speaking to my own recovery, I found a lot of solace, safety and peer recognition and support in the fellowship of AA, personally - the doors of AA are always open to those who want to stop drinking and I recommend this as a potential avenue of support if you feel like it may help you. Otherwise, there are quite a few mental health services that offer alcohol and other drug counselling, which you may also find helpful. I'd also like to acknowledge that you may not feel ready to access support or help at this stage, so please - do what you feel is right for you and your recovery. 

A few things stand out to me as relatable in your story - not being able to stop once I pick up; not being able to control my behaviour and/or blacking out; alcohol causing me problems in my closest relationships and the crushing anxiety and depression when I awake to the mess I'd caused the night before. Moving back to my own experience, which you may or may not relate to, I also found that when I wasn't drinking, I was thinking about drinking - I was obsessed with it. When I was not intoxicated, I could barely cope with my own mind and with life - I simply couldn't handle life on life's terms and at the time, I did not know that alcohol was not my problem. Reality was and oftentimes still is my problem and alcohol and other substances were my solution to my reality problem - a bit counter-intuitive, but it rings true in sobriety and recovery. 

Whether your relationship with alcohol needs to change is entirely your decision and journey. If harm minimisation and something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (ie: SMART recovery, AOD counselling etc) is your thing, that's great. If abstinence is your thing, that's also great. For an issue like this, I'd always recommend the help of peers and professionals - but what you choose to do in terms of defining, accessing and using that help is totally up to you 🙂

I'd also like to mention - and you may already know this - that the effect that alcohol has on the body whilst taking antidepressant medication is often pronounced. I've had this experience myself on SSRIs. Whilst that may not explain the inability to stop drinking once you've started, it may contribute to the blackouts you have been experiencing. 

There is plenty of help for this available - good luck and please, stay safe - you deserve recovery and the best life and I believe that you are capable of overcoming this issue and living that life.