Lived Experience Forum

[Blackflame]

Trigger warning: porn addiction, self harm and suicidality

I think that I need help. I have a very serious porn addiction. I really can`t stop. I spend just about all day, every day and night, till early morning watching porn. It has completely taken over my life, where I find myself doing nothing else and sometimes I even go without eating main meals. I sit in my bedroom through the day and night barely getting up, unless to go to the toilet, feed my animals. I can`t help it. I don`t watch much TV, because of triggers and when I leave the house, there are also many triggers. My compulsions and urges are getting so strong and unbearable. If I do stop for awhile, after two hours, I find myself getting very frustrated and stressed. I spend most of my time on my own and isolated in the day and on my own at night. I hate sleeping alone all the time, night after night and it is at night that I get the most loneliness, deep sadness and frustration. 

I don`t have any friends to look out for me, to see if I am ok or to invite me out places. I have a partner, who got an illness that cant be cured and from that her wanting to show any affection towards me disappeared. Then two years ago, she told me that she can never have sex with me again, so she became asexual, before this we had a sex life and it was suddenly cut off for me, not just intimacy, but all affection as well. I have always been a very sexual person and found sex an important part of our relationship, she now sleeps in different room to me. 

I turned to internet porn but I did not think that it would take over my life like it has. I feel like I am just existing and not living. I have thought about suicide a lot this year, just gone and even planned how I would do it. Recently I have been having emotional breakdowns, which has resulted in small self harm and me crying for hours under my bed or shower and not knowing where I am. Am I loosing my mind? I have starting smoking dope about a year ago, which has become a regular thing. I hate seeing couples on TV or down the street giving each other kisses or hugs, because it makes me sad, wishing I had all that. I can`t see a way out and only things getting worse for me, I don`t really like what I have become, but I can`t help it. It`s like I am possessed, driven, the compulsions, the urges, I can`t say no. Even to come here and write this, its was hard to drag myself away from what I was doing. Often I feel so down, depressed, sad, lonely, frustrated, distressed, anxious. Even scared of what I might be becoming or scared that I might loose more control of my self.

I`m not coping well at all and struggling with all this on my own. I so hope that no one judges me, for I just wish to talk with someone that knows where I am coming from and understands. My circumstances have made me become the way I am, at this point in time. My thoughts of suicide a weekly now. I feel helpless and in a very dark place indeed. 

[cloudcore]

Hi @Blackflame ,

Welcome to the forums 💛

I'm so sorry to hear of how isolated and helpless you have felt whilst struggling your mental health and addiction. I can really see how overwhelming and stressful it is for you. While we don't have the same experience, there have been periods of my life when I struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts daily too. It is a really difficult place to be in.

I'm wondering if you currently have any professional supports in place, especially around your addiction?

I hope you find a supportive community here,

cloudcore ⛅

[StuF]

Hi @Blackflame 

Any addiction is tough. Especially when it is so freely available and even Free in a lot of instances.

And the situation with your partner must be difficult to say the least...

So it's understandable that you are not coping well. I unfortunately have no simple solutions to offer. Rather, I would back up @cloudcore in asking if you have any professional supports? Especially if you have few other people to talk to right now

[Blackflame]

Thanks for what you did. That`s fine. I don`t have any support at all at the momment. Last night I fell asleep by 3 am, crying and sobbing out loud. This is the first time I have reached out on a site like this and opened up. I hope that I find this community supportive as well. Thank you.

[Blackflame]

I agree. Thank you for the coment and support. I don`t have any professional help right now at all. I struggle to leave the house or for that matter, often the bedroom. At this point in time.

[StuF]

@Blackflame 

Very brave to post on the forum. Admitting any addiction, even to oneself, is very hard.

In terms of supports, do you at least have a trusted GP? That could be a place to start...

(I know you already said you have no supports, sorry to ask the same question again. I'm just checking)

[Former-Member]

I hope you find support here too @Blackflame. I hope you can find help for your pawn addiction and other personal issues, as well as continuing to reach out here and interact with us.

[HenryX]

Hello @Blackflame ,

and other members visiting this thread.

It is about 1.00 AM, AWST {WA} so am about to go off to bed. I have read your initial post and the responses offered, so I believe that I have some idea about where you are coming from and the hurdles and obstacles that you are facing. It is getting to the time when I will find it difficult to offer ideas that may be useful, so I will leave that to tomorrow, (later today) having let you know of my interest and concern for you and where you are at the present time.

With Best Wishes

@HenryX