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Welcome & getting started

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Casual Contributor

Newbie

Hi everyone, I'm new to the group. Not really sure how to start. I'm rather new to this. My husband has depression, has had for years. He hasn't dealt with it. Most of the time things are amazing. But on bad times I'm the person who has to be the punching bag I guess (he has never been physically abusive, it's emotional abuse). I worry about saying things because I don't know the reaction on the day. He always makes me feel like it was fault that things blew up. I always feel I have done something wrong. I try extremely hard to stay calm but at times I can't. My mind goes into something & I can't control my emotions. I shake, my heart races, I can't breath.....I flip out. When this happens this becomes the focus & im the crazy woman again being a d@ck head. I was advised today by beyond blue that what he is doing is 'gaslighting'.

we have been together over 20 years...it's always been a problem but I have only really noticed it the last 5 years. Sadly his father committed suicide & he found him.....it's never been the same since. He sometimes can recognise he is depressed but mostly feels ashamed to admit it. I need help for myself to manage this. It's breaking me down & not sure how much more I can take. I'm also unable to work due to waiting for surgery so my own mental health is taking a big kick at the moment. I don't feel I can be the mum or wife I need to be due to my injury. I'm not able to do anything. I feel completely helpless. I'm no longer the strong person I thought I was. 
Thanks for reading....I hope I'm starting this the right way....

8 REPLIES 8
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Re: Newbie

I believe you are still that strong person @_duck because you have endured a lot but still keep on going. Sometimes things happen that make us re-evaluate everything in our life and that is okay. Life is not about the status quo and we have to adjust, re-adjust, change and re-evaluate things as we go along. Life also throws up it's challenges and it is quite okay to not be okay. Everyone has things that cause us grief or concern but you have taken a massive and courageous step in reaching out here.

 

I am sorry you are having to endure such abuse and also your own mental health is suffering but we are here to listen and support you. 

 

I can see you have contacted Beyond Blue but you might also like to contact 1800 RESPECT and your GP for some additional help. They are both great resources and help for both abuse and mental health and may be able to direct you/refer you to a counsellor who you can talk all this through and work on some strategies to deal with what you are going through.

 

In the meantime the community is here to support you and I would like to welcome you to the forum.

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Re: Newbie

Thank you. I have spoken with 1800 RESPECT today also 🙂
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Re: Newbie

Unfortunately I haven't had any success yet in finding a councillor. I have been for a mental health plan but the options in my location are almost 0. My husband also has one but is yet to have success. 1800 RESPECT has provided a few contacts for me so I will see how I go with those. 
I don't have much of a friend support network. Not ones that I feel comfortable talking with about this. I feel better knowing I can come here though already 🙂

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Re: Newbie

I am glad you feel comfortable coming here and also have contacted some outside supports for help @_duck It is hard at the moment in a lot of areas finding a councellor/therapist but do not give up. As restrictions ease hopefully there will be more available. You can also contact the SANE helpcentre 10am-10pm weekdays for some additional help and support. They can also refer you to services available in your area so are well worth contacting.

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Re: Newbie

Hi newbie,
Unfortunately due to COVID the mental health plan could take a little bit longer, as I am also on waiting lists for support. _duck had some really good advice. Stay in the community and share your feelings if you need to. I’m only new too but feel it’s a necessary tool esp if we can’t get the help we need elsewhere.
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Re: Newbie

Hi @_duck
It's nice to meet you
I'll tag you on some other threads which are popular if you like?
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Re: Newbie

Thank you

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Re: Newbie

How do I stop feeling so awful? I feel so guilty, so unsure, lost, useless. I just want to feel happiness again. Another argument tonight (couldn't even make it a week this time). It started because my daughter dropped some food on herself at dinner. He got way over angry & I called him out on it. (Never ever violent). I also said we all feel uncomfortable now. Which we ALL do when this happens. He went outside. The kids and I finished dinner happy. The odd, don't do this don't do that....as you get with kids. Later I asked him if he was annoyed/upset at me & he said yes, you're a hypocrite because you got upset at the kids as well (no yelling). I tried explaining there is a big difference between being told off & being super angry but he just kept saying I'm doing the exact same thing. This made me angry & I in turn starting yelling at him, said you don't get to throw this back on me like always. It's not the same thing....then because I'm now yelling that's the main focus. 
I'm also feeling completely useless & not a good mum because I can't work. I need an operation. It was meant to be in September but now because of COVID I have no idea when it will be & the hospital can't tell me anything. I'm in constant pain daily. My meds gave me a stomach ulcer so had to stop them. I can't take stronger pain killers because what I have already makes me feel sick. 
I absolutely love this man to death. He is my world but he's breaking my world. I'm not the person I used to be & I blame him. 
i don't know if I'm depressed, I definitely suffer anxiety now. I never used to. I walk on egg shells in my home because I don't know what reaction I'm gonna get. Somethings I don't even want to mention because I already know the reaction. Am I or the kids going to get yelled at because a plate dropped, something spilt and so on. 
He 100% has depression. He always has. He's had suicidal tendencies in the past. I'm terrified one day he'll follow through. 
He told me tonight that I never ask him if he's ok & that it's always about my feelings. I constantly ask if he's ok and if he's not he says he is (even though I know he's not, because I get the cold shoulder like I did something wrong). 
I'm sitting here wondering what I did wrong, how did this all happen. Why do I keep having this happen? I'm not even sure the reason for the post or if it makes any sense.

I just want us to be happy again. I don't want to feel pain anymore 

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