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Lostandlifeless
Contributor

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Diagnosed with depression pretty young. I was in highschool. I think I was 15 but it could have been earlier. Trialled several pills through several doctors I cant recall and did some counselling which got nowhere as I didnt know what to say. I honestly felt like I was an alien because I could not relate or understand any other human, including my own family. Was exposed to sex young and used it as a relief to the sadness. Have masturbated since I was as small as 5 I believe. Left school in year 8 due to severe anxiety amongst all these kids who i could not understand. Started smoking. Dabbled with marijuana and alcohol. Attended TAFE. Did not socialise. Got a few certificates. Had 2 kids by 20. Ceased alcohol and marijuana. Ceased contact with family except mother.

 

Diagnosed with anxiety in my 20s somewhere. Trialled medication. Doctor recommended church. I dont believe in God or Allah or Jahovah. I tried several religions but they all seem nonsense and seemed to cause more anxiety than relieving it. Tried counselling. Had a hard time communicating with them and got nowhere in session but learned some calming techniques. Found I still could not understand humans. Had no friends. Found it hard to be successful in job interviews.

 

Diagnosed with bipolar in either late 20s or early 30s. Trialled pills. Terrible side effects. Tried more counselling. Hated her. Started trying to be a friend to girls who knew me from school. Call them my friends. I dont really like them nor understand them but they consider me their friends. Cant hold a job. Something upsets me then I cant face anyone there. Hide from them all in town whether I worked beside them or for them.

 

Sought help through community services a few years ago. Tried GROW and SMART. Was hopeful with GROW but ceased going as my symptoms worsened at the end of last year and their mere presence caused bodily tension and rage. Avoided the friendships I had worked so hard on. Started to feel distant from mother and sons. Called a few lines and tried to get help through mental health plans. Was getting nowhere. Restarted dabbling in drugs including ice, alcohol and sex.

 

Diagnosed with psychosis, borderline personality disorder with confirmations of previous diagnosis earlier this year. Currently trialling medication.

 

I eat my stresses, smoke them, abuse drugs and alcohol and seek out sex with strangers.

 

Cannot make friends. My whole family consists of Mother, 2 brothers, step father, 2 cousins and 2 sons. I care for my mother who has bipolar and emphasema, my eldest is living his second year at uni and my youngest is struggling to be a productive member of society. I have sensed there is something wrong with him but no one seems to agree. He used to fall over all the time, drop things, use 2 hands for everything, had a speech impediment and seemed to learn things far later than anyone else. He was a happy child until he hit highschool where he became stressed, full of anxiety and failed every subject. Recently did an online I.Q. test and it came up as 72 so I'm trying to take him to a psychologist to see what she can do.

 

I've cared for my mother for a few years. It was hard on the kids. She is like a child in the mind but demands superiority due to her position in the family. Her moods are deep and hard to deal with. She is clingy, bossy, her opinions are so different than mine and she uses emotional blackmail a lot.

 

I love my mother and sons but feel it harder to tune into them. Its hard to explain but its almost as if theyre becoming muffled and soon they'll be silent like everyone else.

 

Im always stressed, sad, anxious and now im afraid of being surrounded by a lot of people. Im speaking to a psychologist every 2-6 weeks, have tried getting in to see a psychologist and am in the process of a second psychiatrist referral. 

 

I dont have any interests, dreams, ambitions and feel I have no use or purpose. Not merely because I hate myself, which I do, but because I've never felt I did except when my kids were small and needed me. I just feel like its finally my time to die but I cant bring myself to do it.

 

I dont want to be this way. I see people happy, active, living life not just existing and I crave to be like that but ive always felt empty, disconnected, different, out of place and anxious about everything. I've tried so many things to be normal but I just feel like its getting worse and no one really cares, believes me or can help.

 

I dont know what im supposed to do.

 

10 REPLIES 10

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Hi there @Lostandlifeless,

 

Welcome to the SANE forums. I'm one of the moderators. It's very courageous of you to reach out and share your journey with us. You've been through some very challenging times and continue to struggle with your mental health while seeking professional help. I can see you are tired of feeling this way and really want to be able to enjoy your life and find meaning. 

Our wonderful forum members will be able to offer you some support and connection on your journey. I'm sure they will pop by soon. In the mean time, i'm pretty concerned about your wellbeing so i'm going to check in via email. 

 

Here with you,

Sphinxly

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

@Lostandlifeless  Hi Lostandlifeless and welcome to the forums. You certainly have alot to deal with. I was wondering what your step father was doing to help with your mother? Can he help a bit more around the house? What about your brothers? You need time to look after yourself and your youngest son. I will be back on tomorrow on and off throughout the day.  In the meantime will tag a couple of friendly people for you to talk to :). Take care. greenpea

 

@Shaz51 @BPDSurvivor @eth @Schitzo 

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Hi @Lostandlifeless, Welcome to the forums. Sorry things have been so hard for you. Do you have family based care where you live? They may be able to help you with your mother. As @greenpea mentioned, you need to take some time out for yourself and your youngest son. You will find very caring people on this forum and you will never have to walk alone. There is always someone around to talk to.

Take care💚🌼 xxx

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

@Schitzo Heartxx

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

💚 @greenpea ❤️ xx

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Hey @Lostandlifeless I just wanted to check in and see how you're going. Heart

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Step father lives close but cant do much. He is 64, working full time and has his own problems.

 

Brothers live far away and would be more of a hindrance.

 

There is just me and my son.

 

Im not suicidal nor am I looking for professional counselling here. I just figured someone who had been through something similar but has turned it all around might read and help with practised advice or something? I dont really know.

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

My days are meshing.

Im avoiding everything I possibly can.

I constantly feel either anxious, sad, scared, ashamed, nervous, tired or nothingness.

Sometimes I freak out so bad I try to ring a hotline but I either hang up, get hung up on or fail to attend follow-up appointments because by the time the appointment comes around im either too scared to talk or I have nothing to say because my brain is just fog.

I wish I'd fall asleep and never wake up. It would be so much easier than being awake. 

I suppose that's why I'm scared to sleep? Idk. Idk anything any more.


 

Re: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Hi @Lostandlifeless ,

Sounds like there are a lot of emotions swirling around and despite the want to reach out for support, it can be hard to time that with the opportunity and comfort to engage with someone. You mentioned you sometimes call a hotline but then hang up. Sometime what other find as a less overwhelming or daunting step that calling someone is to speak to them through online chat. The same SANE Help Centre counsellors can be reached through webchat from this website. Might be a way to reach out for support and get comfortable talking to some the the counsellors until you are ready to verbally speak to them.

Hope you get the support you need. Take care,

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