Lived Experience Forum

[MightandPower66]

Dear fellow travellers

Well, I can't believe I am here but on a very deep, albeit painful and emotionally wobbly level, it feels like the right thing To introduce myself, I am a 54 year old who has over the past six months or so, realized that her Mrs Perfect Uber-Coper - I - deal-with-anything persona was just a very well defended and elaborate mask to hide the extreme trauma of a horribly abusive upbringing.

I'm devastated. I'm suffering major panic attacks. I seem to have lost the ability to "ask" for anything. Even just buying food in the supermarket is a traumatic experience. The crappy thing is, I live in a small town where everyone knows me as the person they can rely upon to be cheerful, posirive, willing to solve or at least lend a sympathwtic ear to, their problems,,,,,, everyone knows me as the capable, ever-reliable, caregivet,,,,,,,how truly awful to realize that although I am a kind and loving soul, this "niceness" has been motivated by fear. I cant even begin to talk about the horrific toxic environment I was raised in. It has dawned on me after finally escaping a seven year long  controlling and emotionally abusive relationship, that I'm not and have never been empowered to be myself in any way shape or form. All along I have been congratulating myself on my survivor qualities, my toughness, my ability to deal with pain as if this was some kind of badge of honour and "proof" to the world at large that I am one tough cookie. All the while pushing away the terrified, emotionally abandoned  little girl who could do nothing rigjt, who lived in shame, who was somehow responsible for the chaos and suffering around her, who was humiated into believing that she would never be fulfilled, happy or free.....that was for "other people"

I'm reeling at the enormity of the betrayal that I just couldn't see and trying to forgive myself for my complete and utter betrayal of myself. All these years. I dont know what brougjt about this awareness/realization other than that I've been trying so hard all my life to grow and not become my parents and to distance myself from my family of origin.

I guess I'm just here to take a step forward and to honestly identify with my reality as a very emotionally damaged person, but one who still believes in the power of love and healing. I just havent learned yet how to give that love and healing to myself. But I will.

My heart truly goes out to all here. It's hard to accept sometimes, the hurt that has been caused to souls who did not deserve it. I know that letting go of the unfairness of it is key to acceptance, and that most abusers were themaelves abused - but it is hard.

I feel better for just having joined and posted here. It's a real thing. I know I won't be judged. That in itself is such a precious thing to me right now. So thanks anyone who reads.

I chose the username MightandPower in honour of the much -beloved and great Australian racehorse who defied expectations and expert opinion to lead all the way to win the Melbourne Cup many years ago now. He is still the only horse to ever do this. Not only that, he defied numerous challengers attempting to break his rhythm and pressure him along the way.  It is considered ruinous by the pundits and commentators to even consider attempting to lead from start to finish in this marathon race. But this was a big bold confident horse with awesome belief in his own ability. He led, he dismissed the challengers, and he won.

It might seem odd to be talking of horse racing here and it's not for everyone I get that.

It's just that my recent mental distress has brought home to me the aspect of narcissistic abuse that is so paralysing and destabilizing to the person on the end of it - the endless monitoring, merciless judgement, carefully calibrated insults disguised as qualified "praise" which actually do nothing but reinforce the relentless message that you can never be good enough, impressive enough, talented enough, important enough. If you win the pleasure and achievement is stolen from you. If you lose, well that was only to be expected because after all - you're such an inadequate and incompetent human being.

That's why the image of the free rolling, front running, unselfconscious horse inspires me. Win or lose, historical records, the pressure of expectation not important, the horse doesn't understand this. It only knows to be in the moment and do its best because generosity and willingness to try are just its nature. Whether or not it comes first or last, this is what makes it a magnificent and noble creature.

To survive cruelty, to own the pain, to reach out for support, to still believe in good things for our future, this makes all of us a Might and Power in our own individual ways.

Thankyou all for being there  xxxx

[destructive]

Welcome @MightandPower66 

I think you have more might and power than you give yourself credit for. You survived, yes, maybe by wearing a brave face but that is likely because that is what you needed at the time to get through and just now for whatever reason your mind and body is saying it's ready to tend to that little girl inside you. You can show her how loved she is by giving her credit for surviving this long! 

I hope yoube been able to find some good support to help you on your healing journey 

[frog]

Welcome to the forum @MightandPower66 I'm glad you made your way here. There are lots of people who understand. Take care.