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17-10-2020 11:04 PM
Feeling helpless and alone. I need advice on partner who is emotionally abusive
My partner of 6y and I have decided to separate. The last few months has been difficult, we have been toxic to each other. He will be nice one minute then angry and hurtful the next, and I retaliate with nasty words. We have both struggled with Victoria's extended lockdown, both working from home in a small apartment since March; he has dealt with added anxiety from not knowing when he can see his family overseas. He has a job where his clients abuse him all day...and unfortunately I get the blame and the built up anger and frustration at the end of the day. I tried to help him by planning creative things for us to do together (bike rides, painting, cooking, craft, etc), but he would sleep for 12-15h instead. This would frustrate me as I work 12h days (often more), am left with doing the chores, have chronic insomnia, and felt even more isolated. I would take out my frustration by calling him lazy. I asked him to seek professional help but he cannot see that anything is wrong. He blamed me for him feeling tired and angry. In lockdown 2, the situation become much worse, and after months of living watching what I say and do, taking blame, and being yelled at, I asked him to leave. While looking for a place, he has continued to blame me for this situation, and now will disappear for the night and not tell me where he is going or answer my call/text. Each time he disappears, I panic that he may have had an accident or harmed himself. He is aware it adds to my anxiety and laughs it off the next day. I have sought help myself but the advice seems to be "you can't help someone who doesn't want help" and "ask him to move out". I am waiting for him to move out...in the mean time, how do I cope with the situation? How do I help him see that he needs help?
6 hours ago
Re: Feeling helpless and alone. I need advice on partner who is emotionally abusive
Hi, as difficult as it is to accept, you may not be the one who can help him. I am seeing some red flags here, as the situation seems to be deteriorating. Is it possible for you to move out? If not, just ensure you are safe and able to leave if anything blows up. I lived through my own version of this situation some years ago and it sounds like the best thing you can do is to look after yourself. Continue to get support, choose to grow through the situation. A good Counsellor, time, learning more about myself and relationships, and becoming a Christian helped me enormously and I have now been in a healthy, loving relationship for 20 years - there's no use in you both being stuck.
I hope that the lifting of the Covid restrictions in Victoria will help you both in moving on - thinking of you.