Lived Experience Forum

[cvb81]

Hello. Never tried this before but just want to know if there is someone experiencing the same as me. I have been battling depression and anxiety most of my life but i've just recently been diagnose with borderline personality disorder.  It's hard to explain the self doubt i feel everytime there's a trigger.  I've always felt that having the "all or nothing" mindset is how life and relationships really is, but now I starting to think that i am wrong.  Having this illness is very hard to cope expecially if no one can understand you or the situation your mind is in.  I feel the urge to hate and punish myself everytime i hurt someone.  I dont know if i can survive this.

[NatureLover]

Hello and welcome, @cvb81 , it's good you've joined. There are a lot of people on the forums with BPD. It sounds so incredibly difficult. I will tag @BPDSurvivor  as they have some really good insights. 

I hope you find the forums an encouraging place. 🙂

[Judi9877]

Hi there @cvb81 Welcome to the forums! Nice to meet you. I'd just like to let you know that you are not alone with the feelings of all or nothing as I also have BPD as well and experience this type of feeling often. Like @NatureLover mentioned, @BPDSurvivor has some wonderful advice on BPD and there is a thread on the forums titled Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script and possibly another discussion thread on the topic that you might find useful to explore. I'll tag you there so you are aware of it.

I hope you find the support here in the forums!

Judi9877

[prov3v5and6]

You say you don't know if you can survive this, but the truth is you CAN survive it. There is no doubt about that.

I have not been diagnosed with BPD, but I have struggled with many mental health issues, including that stuff you mentioned. Actaully, I'm hoping to get a more accurate diagnosis soon, I have an appointment next month with a psychiatrist.

I have been diagnosed with SMD and possible BP2, but I think its something else, beacuse I was not completely aware, open, or honest with that psychologist.

I think keep sharing your issues so that someone else can read it and realise they are not the only one. You'll be helping others, even if they don't reply. Also, it should help you!

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @cvb81 

What do you mean by hurting people?  I just want to check that everyone is safe.  Mental illness is hard to cope with and accepting yourself as a person with mental illness can really hard as well. 

You will get some great insights from others but I would really appreciate if you could elaborate on your own experience, as you are the expert in your own life and how it is causing you hardship. What situations are you in where you are taking this "all or nothing" approach? Are you aware you are taking this approach when it happens?

Please, if you or anyone near you is in danger, please get immediate help.  We will still be here to talk when everyone is safe.  

[OscarTheGrouch]

Hi @cvb81, I just want to let you know that I understand how you feel and I can completely relate as I'm having a very similar experience.  I feel like I'm in that same boat with you, so you're not alone.

Up until 2019, I had only been diagnosed with mild depression twice - in 1996 and in 2016. Both episodes were brief and seemd to resolve after I resigned from the job I was doing.  Although I've only been diagnosed twice, I can now see many more times in my life where depression crept in.  I'd feel sorry for myself for a day or two then put my big girl undies on and get on with enjoying life.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in July 2019.  I felt like it had fnally caught up with me, after all these years, and I wasn't going to be able to dodge it this time.  Then, six months ago, I was diagnosed with BPD... at the age of 45.  I completely agree with the diagnosis, which has been devastating because I really thought I was doing okay at life.  But, I can now clearly see the trail of destruction this disorder has left in every aspect of my life.  It turned everything I thought I knew about myself and my life on its head and I feel more lost than I ever have.  I wish I never found out that I have BPD because I haven't felt anywhere near as empty or lonely in the last 35+ years as I have in the last 6 months.

My only source of support is my husband.  However, he has unmanaged anxiety and, in my opinion, poor communication skills so, more often than not, his actions and words end up being a trigger for me.  I've stopped talking with him about certain things because, after a number of heat-of-the-moment, but deeply hurtful, insults from him, I just don't feel safe sharing my feelings with him anymore, making this rollercoaster ride incredibly lonely.  It has been a relief to find so many others who share similar experiences so I hope my story helps you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone.