Introduction

[HenryX]

Hello @Oaktree 

There was a time frame on this friendship exercise. Sorry that I did not get back to you earlier

I was discussing the friendship “issue” with

Dani1981 Senior Contributor 17 Feb 2021 06:24 AM Feeling Fragile

We shared various pieces of information in our discussions that may be of interest to you if you would like to look at Dani's thread.

I do remember you saying that you were looking at attempting to develop “a friendship” from among the choir group. I hadn't realised that it had been framed in terms of a project. To some degree, I am concerned that a friendship would be considered like a recruitment campaign for a position available.

I do agree with you, that it is probably not:

“something that will happen in a week or two but something I will have to keep chipping away at over time.”

To me, friendship is something that develops as a result of recognised common values and interests, sometimes challenges, in terms of personalities and views on life. Something that is different or similar about the other person, for example, family structure or residential location. The possibilities are as endless as the stars in the sky. If it were easy, we would all have permanent good friends, social friends and associates according to a well defined master plan. However, that is not how human nature works. Neither, do I think that there would be any joy in friendship if it were that easy.

I do like the idea of a chat with refreshments. This is the situation where you will get to know others and them to know you. We go back to my previous post, where I reflected on the size and appearance of things, seen during childhood, being bigger and brighter than they might appear when you return later in life. Friendships in childhood were often volatile. It was a time when we were learning both about others and ourselves. Good and firm friendship between adults, is generally considered relatively long term, so is not something we want to dive into without due caution. Otherwise either or both of the parties may be hurt.

Ideally, I think that it would be good for a group of the members who have seemed to “gravitate toward each other during refreshments”, to arrange to meet at a time and place for a morning tea, somewhere nice. This way, if things don't work with a couple of people, no-one is left out. Other options are available.

I do believe that people pretty quickly pick up on any arrangement that appears to be contrived or forced in some way. They will either back off very quickly or simply involve themselves for what they might be able to get out of the situation.

And, I would not ruin the enjoyment that you and others derive from the choir by coming on like a high-powered multi-level-marketing salesperson. In other words, be prepared to leave yourself open and attentive for opportunities that will, I am sure, present themselves.

With My Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[Oaktree]

Haha I dived in and put myself out there. Naturally started chatting with someone I had met previously and we chatted for a while. I did mention that I was looking to make friends and she said that that was why she had joined the choir herself as she has come for work from the Eastern States. I don't know what will come of it. Maybe I appeared too desperate lol. I guess we will see. I did join a Church choir on Sunday for a upcoming Stake Conference so this choir will only be until the 12th September. I met a lovely lady named Natalie maybe that possibility for a friend is a better one lol. I think I lack the necessary social skills.

Meggle

[HenryX]

Hello @Oaktree 

Great!! I think the main part is to relax and keep in the back of your mind that you would like the companionship that is offered by a friend. What is a friend? but someone who would like companionship and offers the same in return. The important aspect of this evening was that you were able to talk with a couple of people and enjoy their company. For that I am very pleased. You also sound happy about the way that you felt tonight.

Another aspect of tonight is that you may have become aware that you are not alone, There are other people who join groups, such as the choir,  for friendship and companionship

With Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[Oaktree]

@HenryX 

Dear HenryX did you see your counsellor today or do you see yours fortnightly? I saw my psychologist today and it was a much more enjoyable session than last week. We made a list of pro's and con's of both doing schema therapy and not doing schema therapy. I wonder if you can add any pro's to my list. I will copy them out and then do another post so you can see what I have come up with so far. I have to admit that I didn't come up with all the pro's on my own but let my psychologist help me come up with some as I was a mental blank apart from the fact that it is the recommended course of treatment. At the end of my session I did ask them the questions that I had in mind and I will give you their answers so that I can read back and remember what  they said. 
What is your area of special interest?
A. Trauma with a specialty in schema therapy, they said they also have access to advise internationally, had done numerous courses and read a dozen books as well as reading research etc.

Why do you want to do this therapy so badly

A. Because I want you to find happiness etc

Who can read your notes

A. Your notes are held on a central file so can be seen by case manager, psychiatrist and psychologist but are quite general in nature. We discussed what today's notes would say and I wasn't worried about them at all but I might be concerned when we talk about more sensitive matters.

be right back

Meggle

[Oaktree]

@HenryX  My pros and cons list

[HenryX]

Hello @Oaktree 

Your details on pros and cons look comprehensive and, I think, will be a good starting point in making a concrete and, I hope, reassuring decision about the process from here.

Having arrived back from Geraldton about an hour ago. I am going through the 'Notifications' and am really pleased to see your thoughts, as discussed with the psychologist today. Obviously I am cautious about suggesting one course of action or another. However, I would be happy to offer my thoughts on the notes you have sent to me. I certainly do hope that I will be able to help in that regard. Siince it is late now, I am about to have a drink and off to bed, so that I can respond tomorrow morning.

I will be speaking with the counsellor tomorrow at 1.00pm. Got my days and times mixed up, but everything has turned out ok.

Todays Gero' trip was for x-ray on teeth which will be attended to next week ~ that's the plan. Happened to drop into a hardware store while there, but don't tell anyone. Also got a temporary printer - cheapie - so hopefully I can service my good one back into operation. And some grocery extras to what I can get here. So it was a worthwhile day.

I look forward to catching up tomorrow

Good Night With Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[Oaktree]

Snap @HenryX 

I also visited the dentist yesterday (Thursday) and need an extraction booked it in for next week so again we are twinning. We have to stop doing that lol. We seem to be cosmically linked or something. I didn't go to the hardware store but I did go to the Library and took out some psychology books. Took out a particularly interesting reference book which I can have for seven days on abnormal psychology. I read a lot about the history of psychology last night and I can tell you that I am glad to be a patient now and not 200 years ago. The outlook is much better now. Anyway I look forward to your message in the morning. Hopefully you have slept well.

Meggle

[HenryX]

Hello @Oaktree 

You are right about, what must appear to be, cosmic connections.

Slept!! - more like overslept. Actually, I took some tablets later than I should have, after I arrived home, and spent more time than I had planned, or should have, on the Notifications last night. Wondering whether I might have "stirred up a hornets nest". So I got to bed at about 4.00am. It wasn't so much overslept as just late to bed - late to get up. Appt for counsellor in about 45 minutes, so plan to get into my response to you when I return.

Yes, about history of psychology. In many ways it was experimental up until the late 1940's-50's, and even till "deistitutionalisation" toward community based services in the 1970's-80's, here in Australia. I have written a few posts, with the intention of informing people, that the so-called "good old days" really weren't always so good.

Will be back to the forum and my response to you after my appt.

With Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[Oaktree]

Dear @Sophia1 

Hi, I need to have a private'ish chat with you so that's why I am dragging you back over to my other thread. On the 9th of July I got upset because you said that I was afraid of change. I got all defensive as it hit one of my emotional bruises probably left by childhood. I feel like our relationship which had previously been great got damaged at that time and instead of trying to repair it I melted down. I have sat on the sidelines of the writing letters since then which of course was only hurting myself as I had been previously been having a wonderful time with it and it was so fun and special. I felt a lot of loss and grief over the loss of the group and went so far as to ring my mental health clinic for advice. I am truly sorry but I guess I am guilty of holding a grudge as I am apt to do. I don't have many friends and I have no experience in fixing ruptures in relationships as I usually run in the other direction and use my avoidance techniques instead. I am truly sorry and would like to know if you can forgive me? I wish there was some way of having a properly private conversation with you.

Love Meggle 💛💜

[Sophia1]

Hello @Oaktree 

I decided after the messages on that thread tonight that it was best not to try and sort out why you were upset. It became very apparent that you were upset with me, not the thread. Each time this has happened in the past I have jumped in to try to reassure as I do not like hurting anybody. I have not at any time understood why you have reacted so strongly.

I am unaware of people's triggers as are you.

I am under so much pressure with my son's health deteriorating again. I try to keep my pain on the one thread.

 I am also in the midst of reducing medication and experiencing restlessness and teary moments.

 I feel for you with your health. My health is not great either.

we all have to try and be mindful of this when interacting with others. 
I mentioned that I might not be on the thread due to real life; how I was feeling and also how I sensed you were reacting with me. 
I have tried more than once to reassure you and include you. 
I cannot keep this up ongoing if I feel that you are attacking me again. I hurt too. It hurts me to write this. This also triggers me as I have spent my whole life treading on eggshells around family members and some acquaintances.

I wonder if you read certain words and then think that I am meaning something else totally.

 I am now scared that you are going to be even angrier with me. I have to be true to myself now.

This is not an experience I want with anyone let alone a forum member. That thread was started as a break from the painful side of the forum which is a must. We have to have some fun and spontaneity on there. 
People will come and go no matter what the story is. 
We can be whichever character we want to be.. at the same time bringing some fresh ideas. 
If you think that you can learn to accept me as I am. Understand that I never mean any harm. If unsure Take me aside as you have done now and explain how you feel at the same time asking me how I feel. Reassure me that you will  not personally

 attack me on the other thread.. my answer is yes of course I can forgive you.  You can bounce back over there and land on my lap. A big hug waiting for you. 

That is my wish also

Understand if you need time to think also.

Sophia have no 💜 option. My phone. Ugh