Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Heartworks]

Hi Titanic,

i understand completely at the feeling of not being cared for. As mentioned earlier both my husband and I have Bipolar Disorder, although I was diagnosed with it much later than he was, and mine was induced by a medical procedure.

I found the profound and overwhelming grief that came with it was exhausting. Pushed to the edifice and precipice that we too, sometimes question our own sanity. Resentment, sometimes too, can creep in, when we want to shout WHAT ABOUT ME?! I guess this is, where for me, self care stepped in. Also carefully choosing who became a part of our lives.  It's not a bad thing to put self care first.

completely understand where you are coming from 🙂

[NikNik]

Hi @Titanic
Welcome to the discussion.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Having health problems on top of being a carer must be really difficult.

Above all, your safety is paramount. You mentioned he's getting better through medication and therapy, which is great to hear. I hope this means the threatening behaviour has stopped - as there is no excuse for that.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been led to believe that you won't have a carer if you need one. There are many people with bipolar who have the ability to also be a carer. This could be either or both emotionally or physically.

If this isn't the case though, I would suggest at looking at formal community support - whether that be practical (help with the chores around the house)and/ or emotional support (counselling, support groups, respite care)

I hope you find tonight helpful.

[Jane4]

Wow that is very tough, you definitely need someone to look out for you...do you have any friends that understand your situation?

[NikNik]

@Heartworks - great points around grief and frustration!

[NikNik]

Hi Everyone,

Jo is still having some technical issues - so I will continue to facilitate the conversation though 🙂

*sending Jo some good tech vibes*

So our next question is:

 Do you re-arrange your personal daily routine to cope with the periods of mania and depression your loved one goes through? If so, what strategies do you apply at these times?

I'd also love to hear from anyone who has bipolar, what your loved ones could do (or what NOT to do) to assist when you are experiencing mania or lows?

[Mama_Penguin]

A question we (my husband and I) seem to ask oursleves a lot as carers is, are our expectations of our son (who has bipolar) reasonable? Should we expect him to be able to pick up after himself, to put away dirty dishes, to remember simple tasks that we feel he's capable of?

I feel he often uses his illness as an excuse for not doing the boring, menial, day-to-day tasks. And it makes be really frustrated and angry at times! But asking him to do things usually goes south. So we find ourselves tip-toeing around him a little too much.

A classic example was today. When he's 'good' and his mental illness isn't affecting him, I find it harder to NOT get frustrated by what I see as a lack of thoughtfulness and just being lazy.

So my questions are:

Do I need to reassess my expectations or are they reasonable?

Should I accept that his illness isn't allowing him to "get his sh*t together" as he puts it?

Should we try to enforce rules and boundaries, like "Pick up your clothes" so that he knows he does have rules and boundaries? 

[Heartworks]

Strategies: (mania and depression, either or both of us - what works for us, in no particular order)

1. clear the books (that includes appointments, expectations, occasions etc)
2. having periods when you 'just go with it' We allow ourselves 'bed time' when we don't want to get up, but we don't allow the whole day, every day for a week 
3. pre-prepare meals or have easy cook meals so everyone is eating without max effort
4. go with the flow - I was the micromanaging queen, trying to have it all neat and organised. Nope - to 'just be' is more than enough
5. Listen, when you are able. No need to have all the answers just listen ( I speak from both perspectives)
6. Have the hospital on speed dial or a number on the fridge
7. dont blame yourself
8. acknowledge you are doing the best you can
9. Take a moment to breathe
10. establish boundaries - what's okay and what's not

[NikNik]

Hi @Mama_Penguin
Sorry if you've already mentioned this, but how old is your son?

[Mama_Penguin]

HI @Heartworks. you've touched on something I feel is often overlooked by health professionals and that is the overwhelming grief that comes with a diagnosis of mental illness. Grief of both the person with the MI and grief as a carer.

[Mama_Penguin]

hi @NikNik, he's 18.