Lived Experience Forum

[Rick]

I'm having another bad day. It's not bad so much as upsetting.I get upset.No triggers neccessary.

I'm just upset. Crying like a child.

I'm a 44 yo hard man. I frighten old ladies with my looks. I'm tough and mean.

But I get upset and the tears don'y stop.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Rick,

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day.

From what you've written, it sounds like you've been here before. While I know what I'm about to say doesn't take the pain away right now, please know that this will pass, just has it always done in the past.

I enjoy reading your posts. I particularly like how you usually sign off, 'hope does endure.' Somewhere in the pits of what you're feeling I hope that you can feel this.

It doesn't matter if you're 2, 44, or 60 years old, MI does not discriminate. 'Crying like a child' is not a reflection of you as person, but is a symptom of MI. It does not reflect weakness - I think strength is allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest.

I'm glad that you came on the forums and shared what you're going through. This takes courage.

If you accept cyber hugs, or handshakes or whatever I'm sending some your way.

[Alessandra1992]

hi Rick..
What cherry bomb said..hope endures..

[Rick]

This is a daily occurrence for me. 

It's most likely part of the dissociate elements of my illness.

I am often triggered by seeing kindness and goodness in the behaviour of others.

Other times tho it is a reaction to even fictionalised trauma. 

Some times I will see  or read something that triggers a flashback and the powerlesness of that very very long time.

14 years of systematic Interrogation and torture followed with the confusing message of love is the nutshell of my illness.

So I can't even watch television anymore. Instead I read . But I can't read female authors or books based around strong female characters.

The best I can hope for in the long term is to get my new carreer of the ground and stay busy.

I use my intellect to give me evidence form the feedback of others to combat a self esteem that exists only as a negative destructive force. 

Because all this started in the formative years of my life and continued until i was a young adult my hard wiring is dangerously negative and after many consultations with trauma experts, permanent.

The problem is I want to change it. But it will not be changed. 

I want tochange it because after all these years of fighting just to put one foot in front of the other I am emotionall, physically and spiritually exhausted.

I don't identify with concepts like fun or joy or love or play.

I literally don't know what these words mean.

So I live in intellectual constructs. And it srill hurts. 

after all this time 

it still hurts. I understanding the psychology of it. I even understand the neuro psychiatry of it.

But these understandings don't event the basic issues.

It still hurts.

So instead I have come up with a new rationalisation for it.

The why did it have to happen side of it.

The only thing I can come up with is that perhaps this life has been about understanding the worst that people can do to each other, and understanding the worst that can happen to a person and the consequences of that.

With that knowledge. with that intellectuall rationale the best I can do is to try and do something worthwhile with these understandings. to live not for myslef but to engage for the betterment of humanity.

Pretty grandiose,Huh?

But so far this is the best I can come up with.

I say it because I desire it to be true against all evidence

Hope Endures

Rick

[Rick]

Thank you Cherry
your kindness hurts but it's welcome

[Loopy]

Rick, I get around with a look on my face, showing no emotion. My closest friend is always saying, I never know what you are thinking, or going to do. My reply usually is "If I wanted you to know I would tell you".  If I really need some diversion I become the comic and drive everybody crazy with my antics. I also can, without triggers burst into tears and that is when I will peel onions to act as a cover for my leaking eyes. Stick with Rick you appear to me to be a tryer and a survivor, hence your input on the forum.

loopy

[Rick]

hello all,

I have been away and very unwell for a longtime. I am sorry that I have not been here to support my fellows.

I truly hope all are doing as well as they can and that the price paid to do so has not been too high.

I have decided I must find a better  way 

I am presenting a discussion paper at a psyche conference in a couple of weeks. 

It is mainly focused on developmental trauma and the complex ilnness it spawns. 

I am hoping that through networking I'll come across someone who is working in this field. 

I am presenting this paper on behalf of all adult survivors of long term child abuse. We have grown illnesses that we were never meant to have. 

This is my path from this day forward. I will no longer allow the sector to ignore us as people have ignored our entire lives. 

We are not liars, fakers or attention seekers, we are warriors fighting a battle not of our making. 

I aint good for much. But I can speak publicly with ease, I regularly publish discussion articles in sector forums and these articles promote a lot of discussion, but talk is cheap.

I am tired of being sick. 

I was not born this way  I  was made by a monster.

Though I cannot metaphorically slay the monster. I will make the white coats listen. I will plead for a better way for all of us.

I am so tired of all this but I will not lay down and just fecking die. 

Society let us down whenwe needed rescuing. It is time they were held to account. To take responsibility. I refuse to listen to another quack tell me i'm out of  treatment options. 

 Haven't we suffered enough?

I say yes yes yes.

Though I'm am still acute I have to do something. my Doc and I are now desperate, there are no more meds to try. No more therapies untried. 

My condition is deteriorating. And my body is following my mind. I am deficient in vitamin D to the point that my body no longer produces it, so the sun has nothing to activate. My thyroid is also failing with thyroxine levels dropping lower each blood test no matter how much thyroxine supplement I take. 

I have developed severe tachycardia that does'nt react to meds, And my blood pressure is having the same issues. 

My Doc, George is right now getting second and third opinons, and combing through the last 5 years of MI research for options. 

We know that this body stuff is connected to deteriorating mental illness and we have had that confirmed by a neuropsychologist. Apparently it's not overly common but happens often enough for there to be plenty of data to support it.

And dammit! It aint right!

The very worst thing that has happened is that my 13 year old daughter refuses to see or speak to me because she is freaked out by my tics and dissociation. I have had no contact with her for 6 months. I write to her every fortnight and so she recieves a letter in the post regularly. I understand  and I will always put my little girl before myself. But my heart is truly broken and she was all I had left. No family at all now. And yes she may well come good in time. But that is no comfort because how long is time?

This illness has cost me everything. 

And I was made this way not born.

it is a classic tragedy. And I'm going to shout and shout until people take notice. 

We as a section of the population, we surviviors of extreme, systematic and long term child abuse must have a better way!

I am done sitting quietly in the corner. 

Recovery?  Well you sector people - prove it! so far all I see is lip service. Peer support? Bullshit! Peers whh have degrees and years of experience in mental health are not peers. 

Peers are people who are just like you. That was the original idea behind this model. 

F2ck it.

I'm done.

[Acacia]

Welcome back to the Forums, @Rick. I’m quite new here but have enjoyed reading over some of your older posts. They’re very eloquent and supportive.

I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling at the moment, and what you’ve been through over the years. One thing I’ve taken from your posts is that you always find a glimmer of hope. I think maybe you have that in your daughter now. I really admire your dedication in writing to her every fortnight and letting her know you care.

I can’t say I know what you’re going through, but I can see that you have reason to be angry. What’s amazing is that you keep on going and keep telling your story, even though I imagine that’s hard. It’s great that you’re using the difficult things that happened in your past to generate discussion. I hope it can help with finding better ways of preventing child abuse and supporting those who’ve been through it.

Thank you for everything you’ve contributed, Rick. I hope you continue to share and inspire on the Forums.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Rick

I can see so many similarities in how you think to how i think about the traumas that i've been through. I too understand it on an intellectual level and understand the psychology of the process of trauma.. but the pain just doesnt go away. the gut understanding, the little people inside of me are still in the places that they were hurt and continue to hurt... but there are things to continue on for and to keep fighting for. there are good days.. there are good people in the world. I too put up a brave face for everyone around me to see. people dont knwo what im thinking either a lot of the time and i dont trust anyone to tell them what i'm thinking most of the time either... which probably doesnt help...

keep fighting, you've proved you're tougher than the crap by being here today,

LJ

[Jacques]

Hi @Rick,

I have seen the same proble with my self an others on this forum, i was told by 2 pstcologists i "look normal" and because i am not a drug user or abuse alcahol i am not severe enough case to belp, even though i ha e been house bound for 14 years and have not had a night away from my parebts since 1994. And i have seen others on hear say their mental health problems are too complex.

I think the whole mental health system needs an overhaul, test mental health professionals to see if the can handle patients problems and test their ability to help the most vulnerable in our society.

The hank you @Rick for doing the speach, i understand how difficult it must be for you, i wish you all the best in your endeavour

Take care

Jacques