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Something’s not right

HopefulWarrior
Senior Contributor

tough morning

i've had a tough morning and need to vent - i think this is the right place...

 

in essence my am I so stupid - continuing to use behaviours that are not helpeful and make me feel bad but i keep thinkning maybe this time will be differenet.

 

my mind and body are at war. there;s a disconnect.

 

i;ve been doing some great therapy work with my team and have gotten loads in insight into how my behaviours helo me to deal with anxiety depression etc via numbing  and i;m aware of the physical costs of these on my body BUT I KEEP USING THEM !!!!

 

but you know the stupidist part? as i;m engaged with behavrious i am also thinking journalling about why i;m doing them and even possible alternatives that might be more grounded. Concious curosity my therapist calls it.   stopping the behaviours though once they get going - that;s another story all together.

 

Anyone know of a good brain surgeon?  For me to get a swap???? "|LOL

 

*big sigh out*

 

felt good to bash that out on the keyboard. 

dont; really answers to the questions that we likely all battle with, as I think it;s just the rd of mental health issues. but far out sometimes it;s a hard rd to walk and stay positive.

 

am off to see family now, which frankly would much prefer not to do, but duty calls.

14 REPLIES 14

Re: tough morning

Sorry to hear you've had a tough morning, @HopefulWarrior . It's good to get it down on paper/screen. I don't think you're stupid. Recovery or progress is never in a straight line I reckon, but goes backwards and forwards and sideways. But you're right, it can get discouraging. 

 

I have no answers but I know sometimes I can turn my day around by starting it again. Even if it's 4pm and it's been a bad day, I do all the morning things I missed and try to think of it a fresh (short) day, and it makes me feel a bit better. Doesn't always work, of course.

 

I reckon you can pat yourself on the back for your great work in therapy that you mentioned. We're only human, we're allowed to stuff up. Thank goodness!

Re: tough morning

@NatureLover thank you for yr speedy reply.

 

i do get what you mean about starting the day "fresh" - it;s hard to do, kinda feels like I get blinkers on - suppose it;s a sense of giving up, there goes another day.  but your right every hour, is a new opportunity to change what you do next. with the potential to change the colour of the day.

 

i was thinking after writitng first post - why is self care so frickin hard? therapists doctors etc all eppose the beneftis and yes i would suggest others do the same, regular meals, good sleep, mindful enjoyable movement for the body....  yet there is this road block - at times feels like a massive mtn blocking me from this path - being able to follow thru on even the most simple things.

and i dpn;t know if you experoence the same but no matter which i choose healthy or unhelpful my inner critic berates me that its not good enough - should be doing something else etc etc

 

it's funny cause at times there is a sense of seeing myself from above, a bubble,. and my wise mind is like - WTF lol

 

it sure is a battle of the wills isn;t it?

Re: tough morning

Oh ho - that "not good enough" thing that's followed me all my life! It's a shocker. I've come to recognise it as a lie drilled into me from childhood, but it still raises its ugly head. That's not good that you have it too. 

 

It seems to me that you're trying really hard with your recovery, so it's a lie that you're "not good enough".

 

Are you dissociating when you see yourself from above?

 

I'm always happy to give up on a bad day and pretend to start a new one. Smiley Happy

 

@HopefulWarrior 

Re: tough morning

Hey @HopefulWarrior just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. It's really hard. I get frustrated with myself when I feel that mind-body disconnect and can't get myself doing what I know I need to do.

@NatureLoverwhat you're saying here has been really encouraging to me; just what I needed to hear atm. So thanks heaps.

Re: tough morning

Thanks @frog , that's really kind of you to say, and encouraging too. I appreciate it. 

Re: tough morning

@NatureLover @frog thank you  being heard and validated that others get the same is really reassuring - don;t feel as alone as I bash my head my head against the mental health brick wall

 

 

@NatureLover i'm not sure if i disassociate - i get a sense of numbness - so perhaps yes?  but also my head is like pinball machine bouncing from one idea to the next sometinmes on loop !

 

 

i've been journalling heaps to day - to try and think my out of this funk and its becoming clearer to me how my critical voice is super up in my face no matter what i do and that although i;m feeling shit i;m kinda wallowing in it (im embrassed to admit)

 

think though it's cause i'm judging myself for having these shit feelings before they even have a chance to pop to the surefece i;m oushing them down not wanting to feel them or frankly anything else.  which low and behold is keeping me stuck!!  definately something for therapy this week.  just hope i can make it make sense to doctor - cause i often get too tougue tied turing me into a mute when i sit down in the therapists chair lol

 

 

thank you again for listening to my rant.

going to try and let myself off the hook for the rest of today - find something to hopefully switch off with.

Re: tough morning

@HopefulWarrior how are you today? Did you find something to switch off with yesterday?

 

Your head sounds very busy! For me dissociating means going somewhere safe in my mind, where reality can't hurt me. Like being numb, yes, although I never thought of it like that before, so thanks.

 

Can you show your psych what you wrote here, if it's hard to talk at the time?

Re: tough morning

How lovely yourre checking in @NatureLover  thanku- yesterday was a write off, choosing to numb with behaviours in the arvo. Oh well. Today has been much better. Made conscious choice to not get up and push my self from the get go. Instead did a little yoga flow at sunrise. It was beautiful.

 

Happy to hear my description resonated funny how different wording can "click"

Yes I do take along my notes to sessions - need to focus in on a few key points often getting lost in the detail.

 

Love your forum name btw it always makes me smile as I too am a lover of nature.  Have you managed to get out to parks locally whilst we've all been locked up?

Re: tough morning

Hi @HopefulWarrior , am glad today's much better for you. 

 

I think it's OK to write some days off. I take my notes to my psych sessions too. 

 

I hope you live somewhere where there's nature around. Yep, I've been getting out locally and walking as much as possible. About to go out now Smiley Happy

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