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Something’s not right

indigochild
Casual Contributor

struggling

hi, im new here. I have been struggling for a long time now. I waver between overwhelm and severe depression. I find its really difficult to make simple decisions let alone move forward in life. I find it hard being solo for so long and feel loneliness a lot. This makes it harder to feel a motivation or connection to life. I feel I reach out to others often, but as they have families and more commitments im not always able to receive the connection I need. I struggle a lot with complex PTSD and have been processing complex grief for almost a year since my fathers passing and all the triggers that arose when the will was changed last minute. Ive been feeling unsupported for a long time and get tired of rebuilding from rock bottom time and time again. Ive been homeless for some time, although I have a van , I feel like I have been in a very consistent survival mode for around 3 years and before that it was more in waves. its taken me a long time to fully accept how deeply I need help, as I was once far more capable at regulation and living a life of more contribution. Now my nervous system is on red alert constantly and I have days I believe my mind may snap beyond return. At some stage my grandmother randomly snapped and become diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, this has been a great concern of mine over the years if I was not to remain vigilant in my mind. I feel this vigilance has also had negative impacts as it makes me feel like im unable to trust or depend on myself and leads to hopeless and worthless feelings. I once could resource a wealth of tools from within, but over the last few years I have really struggled to resource and trust myself, let alone believe in myself and yet I am very gifted. Every day feels like a struggle and my brain feels like its frying. I feel afraid of myself and its hard to remain embodied and connected, I feel afraid of life and love as I have experienced so many traumas. I am sick of the trauma and yet I can't seem to get out of this rut. I started some anti depressants recently, they aren't really helping yet and I am reaching out for tele support wherever I can, as I am regularly moving around due to unsafely. I think im in a pretty constant flight response internally and yet display super calm on the outside in public in fear that I may be considered crazy in my distress. I often let people know when I am really struggling. they check in for a few days, but then drop off the map and its not enough consistency for me when I am dealing with so much alone and needing support, guidance and encouragement. I feel I need someone to take my hand or give me a piggy back to a better place, I definitely feel more like a neglected and abandoned child most days than a 43 year old woman. I feel I have disorganised attachment, within myself, so a part of me wants to love and connect with myself and a part is deeply terrified and ashamed of myself. I have much going on in my inside world and every time I try and get things happening in my outside world big obstacles or traumas take place. I feel like every time I reclaim a sense of pride, peace or joy something major happens and it makes it really difficult to trust in joy, happiness or goodness and yet that's all I wish for. I haven't been able to create many new experiences or memories for a while as ive just been overwhelmed with all the "stuff'. its almost as if my life has become about getting rid of physical things as its too burdening to just get up and go when in unsafe environments. im surrounded by conscious people and yet the impacts of living around very hostile government housing neighbours has made it hard for me to see myself any other way. recently I revisited my mum after 3 years and I have been even more heightened since and feeling like I am going to be attacked or invaded upon just for being myself. Ive been holding my breath for a long , long, time. my nervous system believes its going to be attacked at any moment due to my mothers lack of boundaries and privacy. I want to release her from my life as she is a huge bully that doesn't treat nor communicate to me like I am a human, nor someone that matters. She controls, projects and blames and never apologises. I feel I have taken on all her wounds and I don't deserve that. Im not sure how to recover my sense of self, I just feel like im constantly the victim. of bullies. there is so much more going on, but im sick of being cut down by people or like im going to be attacked for no reason. I find it hard to settle my energy these days and I rarely smile. I need a sense of being understood and accepted in this realm of mental health, where I feel no one has ever understood how difficult the simple doing life is after so long in survival mode. I have the time to reform into something greater and yet I contract when I create that time and space for me. like I am afraid to reacquaint myself with myself. im not sure how anyone can help, but it turns out I have a lot to say that I never really get the time or space to say

 

5 REPLIES 5

Re: struggling

Good evening @indigochild ,

 

Welcome to the forums! You have reached out into a very safe space.

 

Thank you for trusting us enough to share parts of your story with us. It must be so tiring to be constantly living on alert. It is not only wearying for the body but for the mind.

 

I hope you will find the connection on the forums helpful. 

 

Also, have you heard of our guided service? You can find out more about it here https://www.sane.org/referral

 

If you are eligible for our guided service, you may get more stability of services.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

tyme

Re: struggling

thanks time, yes I just filled out a referral

Re: struggling

That's great @indigochild - in the guided service, you'll have access to more regular phone support from a counsellor or peer worker. That may help take some of the isolation and pain away.

 

You deserve it. We are here to support each other.

Re: struggling

yes but I also need some support now

Re: struggling

Is there something specific that you need today @indigochild ?

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