Lived Experience Forum

[May23]

Another night of tossing and turning with zero sleep. I wish that knowing why I am unable to sleep would help but it is definitely making it worse. I have tried meditation, candles, diffusers, music, hot chocolate and several other ideas but sleep still evades me. I have only managed short naps during day light hours.

2 weeks ago I had a second date with a man I thought to be kind and caring. The date started well with a hug and kiss but it didn't take long for it to turn horribly wrong for me. I thought we would watch a movie and maybe make out but he had other ideas. Without going into graphic detail he was sexually aggressive and violent. It was like a flick of a switch from this charming sweet guy to a monster and then back to the sweet smiling guy once he was done. Even asked me if I had fun. I was so scared that I played along for fear of the monster returning. He smiled and said see you soon before leaving my house.

I ignored his missed call last week but last night he called 8 times in under 20 minutes. I want him to leave me alone but I can't go to the police, not again. This is not the first time I've been sexually assaulted. The process with the police was extremely traumatic and not something I feel like I could cope with again.

I have had nightmares where I wake up screaming but there's no sound and I can't catch my breath. 

I have been diagnosed with PTSD from the first assault and my psychologist thinks that this new assault has triggered all of those thoughts and feelings. In the past I have always been able cry as a way to release my emotions but for the last 2 weeks that has not been the case. 

I go through feeling angry, scared, confused and sad but mainly just numb. It took years for me to get to a point where I could confide in anyone close to me what happened over 10yrs ago but I don't think I can keep up appearances the way I used to. There are a few very supportive people in my life that I know I should open up to but just the thought of saying it out loud to them makes me feel sick.

I just want to feel whole again

[Zahlia]

Hi @May23 

I'm so sorry you had to experience that, and are experiencing the fall out now from it. 

Do you think you would get some relief from opening up to your close people? 

Sometimes you just feel so emotionally numb, maybe thats why you haven't been able to release and cry,

Stay strong May23

Zahlia

[Maggie]

@May23  I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s no wonder sleep isn’t happening.

I’m glad you are seeing a psychologist. You have support here ,if you would like to talk more.

Take care where you can. Sending ❤️❤️

[Ripples]

Hi, Don't be afraid. I have lived with really bad PTSD after I was attacked by my boss over 20 years ago. I was left physically disabled. I thought my life and career was destroyed but I made a conscious decision to use the opportunity to do things I had dreamed of doing. I qualified as a cook, with allowances made by my TAFE teachers. I now serve better Thai food than a lot of restaurants. I am working to become a published author at the moment.

Maybe you could do what I have done, which is to go out and do stuff that brings you joy. You could use this opportunity to change your life. You are right. Some men are just evil predators. You deserve better than that. I wish you peace and happiness and lots of sleep. Maybe a change of mattress and bedding products is needed.

As regards sleep, I have struggled with being prescribed the wrong drugs. I now see doctors who have a good grasp on what works. If some jerk or jerkess has upset me during the day, sometimes I end up calling Lifeline to get some perspective.

Well wishes.