Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

ive been MIA lately. just so ashamed of myself for getting so low again. for being so useless to everyone around me. i'm so confused and lost in my life. ive been on this merry go round for 3 years since seperating frm my ex of court and appeals and family court mud slinging matches. it doesnt end and im suddenly so angry with it all and ive never really felt anger before and im terrified of it. people tell me that i need to hold on and that all that external stuff 'will end'... its been 3 years.. and at least family court wise we havent even started that properly yet. i cant envisage coping through another 3 years of this and being told that it 'will end' is just agh! im so confused with this anger that is just bubbling under the surface at the moment. i dont know what to do with it and when i start to 'get angry' i immediately start to remember horrific things where others were angry and shut off into some bad space with the movies running over and over in my head. i feel like i go from almost about to explode in anger to this pathetic terrified whimpering child. i'm scared all the time that its going to happen again. my physical health is on the rocks though mostly the drs just say im run down and my mental health is not helping and could be contributing etc. which is all true but doesnt really lead to anything getting better. and sleep is non existant. my pyschiatrist wanted me to use meds and i told him i'd tried them and they dont work and he laughed as though i was lying (not unkindly.. hes actually quite nice) and i wont take the other stuff he seems to love... but makes me feel so much worse during the day. it kind of doesnt help that its holidays i think because i lose the... routine that work forces me to stick to. and my kids are with their dad for the longest time yet and not speaking to them for so long is just awful. 

i was getting by before by focussing on the next important thing that i had to do, whether it was get dressed, make lunches, get in the car, plan lesson, talk to... etc i just had everything down to this focus on one thing next. but i havent been able to keep up with any more than that andnow theres so much more piling in that is overwhelming me completely. house is a disaster area, but probably cluttered densely enougn now that we'd survive a nuclear attack (see i can sstill see a silver lining). my blood pressure problems and dizziness may mean i cant drive if it keeps happening. we wont cope with that. my brain looks at stuff and just doesnt compute it. i cant concentrate or make myself do that things that i know need doing. i started the dishes an hour ago but got as far as filling the sink and washing one plate before i just got distracted and ended up back in my chair. im just so utterly usefless at the moment and theres just nothing of me left.

lj

[BlueBay]

Oh @Former-Member sending you a big warm hug. xxxooo

I feel for you so much.  Having to deal with your mental illness, your physical pain as well as having to go through court proceedings.

Pls be gentle with yourself, take it easy.  I wish I could be there and clean up for you, help you and your kids. I do understand the merry go round you talk about and also the anger you get and then the whimpering child.  I do understand.

Pls don't be ashamed of yourself, you are a good mum and at the moment you are struggling.  Don't forget your children love you and need you.

Take care @Former-Member, thinking of you. xxxooo

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member sending you a big hug. 💕💜
I can totally relate to the anger and crying.
It does get easier. I didn't think it would .
I still struggle with it alot, but not all day every day, like I was. I didn't know what to do about the anger. Still not sure, to be honest.
Talking to a psychologist will help. They can help you through it. Do you have a psychologist? You can get one with a mental health care plan through your GP, if you want to that is.
I can imagine how much you miss your kids. 💗
Can you use the time they are away and sleep as much as possible? For me sleep helps my body/mind recuperate. Lots of water and healthy food. It's hard leaving the house messy. I'm a little OCD. But try and ignore it and sleep if you can. You need rest so you can recover. You've had so much to deal with.
Love and hugs 💕

[Former-Member]

Does anyone have any helpful hints on how to get rid of inner anger? I'd like to know and I think @Former-Member would like to know also. Thankyou. 💕

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Oh the ANGER!!!! Yes it can just overwhelm you to the point of not being able to focus on anything else.
I was seeing a psychologist last year for treatment for my PTSD. Which was successful. But once that crises was over - up came the depression. But the ANGER rose up so large - I thought it would just swallow me up. This psychologist - although good with PTSD - could not help me with my feelings of rage.
So I went back to my gp and got a referral to a new psychologist. Now this guy new how to deal with my anger.
So firstly - see a psychologist. If that one isn't helping - get a referral to another one. Contact a few psychologists - or have someone you trust do it for you - if you're not able to. Interview the psychologist - explain you are dealing with huge rage. Explain possibly where this may stem from (sorry I don't know your background) eg: DV or childhood abuse or other trauma - plus current family court issues.
Some psychologists seem to be great in certain areas.
Now for you - where you are currently. As @Kurra says - sleep if you can. If your mind won't shut up enough for you to sleep - consider sleeping tablets - just for a few days. So that your mind will shut down enough for it to be able to help process and heal your pain. Might be a good time - while kids are away.
Relaxation meditation aps. I listen to mine all the time. And it helps me.
Sometimes when I'm really struggling to stay focused in the 'here and now' - I can put on my 20 minute relaxation ap & only start switching off my brain for the last 5 minutes. But that 5 minutes a few times a day can really help.
Any friends who are home - that would come and sit with you or you could go there to unwind? Distractions.
Also - when you can push yourself out of the chair - go and mow the lawn. Mow everyone's nature strip if you need too. That physical exhaustion - can not only 'forget' to focus on your negative self talk - it can also make you so worn out - that you can just crawl straight into bed and sleep. Don't even bother having a shower. Just sleep from pure exhaustion.
Thinking of you.

[Former-Member]

hi @utopia @Former-Member @BlueBay

thank you all for hearing my whinges. my psychologist is really good.. shes actually excited and pleased that im angry which half annoys me lol. she thinks its progress and wants me to feel angry and be angry but its terrifying me. my history is a lot of childhood abuse and dv and the dv from my ex. my experiences taught me not to feel much and definitely that being angry was not my right, and not... safe. i think.

today i cleaned (my support worker came over and helped) and then i napped. then took my dog dusty for a long walk. im exhausted and i just want to sleep. ive had a herbal tea to help sleep. i just cant do the meds. the ones that work are an antipsychotic and they just leave me feeling awful and really blah for the whole next day.

lj 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member,

i saw your post before but was in a crappy place myself. Doing a little better now. I'm glad you've had a pretty successful day. Thank goodness for support workers hey. Mine helps pull my head together weekly.  I'm so glad you have dusty for times like this. 

I went through a little of the anger thing too with my ex. Everyone was worried because I hadn't been able to be angry at him for all the destruction he left in his wake. It was last year I finally got to but it only lasted a short time. It helped immensely to be able to help put him behind. Mind you I'm still chicken to go and sort out our assets. I know your anger would be very different and you have to deal with it on a constant basis which is so much harder. 

Anyway I just wanted to say hi and I'm sorry you are still having such a difficult time. I know one day this will all get better. I admire your resilience for keeping on fighting through. Take care of you. Sending hugs and best wishes 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member 

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

I think you need some time out and just relax.

And also to use that anger to motivate yourself - I think it shows how much fight you have inside of you.

One of the best things I have found is exercise and especially sparring. But anything that really gets the heart rate up but I would be careful if you are having some health issues. The blood pressure would not make you feel any better.

Just take some baby steps and look after yourself.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member sorry you're having a hard time. I'm glad you were able to put ur ex behind as much as you can. Yes I'm terrified of having to do any mediation with my ex about settlement stuff. It's going to b horrific.
Youre such a strong person. Keep up the right, I know how exhausting it is but somehow we get thru.
Lj

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Your psychologist sounds just like mine. He asks me a question - & I tell him it's a ridiculous question to ask as it has nothing to do with what we are working on. He smiles and says answer it. And I get a new 'light bulb' moment. The bugger is always right.
Sounds like your brain turned those feelings off - to protect you at the time. That was good. But now it's time to feel again. And that can be discomforting. Especially when we don't know what to do with it.
If you can't take the meds, then you can't take them. That's why this enotions therapy is si important for you.
Kerp posting here. We all have to vent from time to time. But you'll always find support here and no judgements.
Brilliant that you got up and cleaned. Good for you. One thing at a time.
I hope your sleep is peaceful