Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

Hi so i have asked kind of on here before about some things about this but for some reason lately this has been occupying my mind a fair bit. I am 21 never had a relationship, never kissed anyone, never even been on a date. now most of this doesnt bother me that it hasnt happened but i do feel embarrassed because if people ask then they get all weird and say i am weird for not having ever done anything. but the thing is I dont want to kiss someone and idk if i will ever want to have sex with someone. even in highschool my group would be talking about the guys they had crushes on and who they thought was attractive and while i can see how some people look asthetically pleasing i have never felt physically attracted to anyone. there have been a few times when i have gotten to know someone that i felt a slight kind of romantic attraction but never physical. and i really cannot tell if it is my OCD making me feel disgusted by some of these things or if it is me that feels that way. and sure labels and all that maybe dont matter but my issue is idk if i want to have kids or not and while i dont think i want to give birth i am not sure if i would want to adopt or do a surrogate thing idk but if i did want to adopt you have to have your name on the list before you are 26 or they dont let you. and i just feel like i dont have time to just be going about ignoring this if i do end up wanting kids.  but at the same time the idea of having to be in a relationship where sex was expected is like not really something i would want. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919 Hey Eden1919 how are you going?:) Before I got sick I was in a long term relationship of 23 years with my ex and it really grounded me.  Before we got together I was a emotional mess. When I was undiagnosed and ill there was no way that I wanted to be intimate with him (not even now for that matter).My mi has made me incapable of sharing myself with anyone in a intimate way. 

I am 54 so for me not having a partner is terrific as I can do as I please. However being 21 I can see it would be totally different. I don't know what the answer is unfortunately. Maybe discuss this with your psychologist when you next see him/her. Just know that you are not alone.Love peaxxx

[Leighyu]

Hello @Eden1919 

Sounds like alot of whirling thoughts going on in your mind. How unnerving and chaotic it must feel.

Now as cliche and perhaps unhelpful this may come across, Im just going to say it anyway. We must focus on the present moment. The here and now. It sounds so simple and stupid and perhaps even ridiculous. Like yeah, we have to plan for the future because that is what society expects from us right? Wrong. Life is what we make of it, regardless of what people or society constrains us to. 

Living in the present, otherwise known as mindfulness, is simply just living in this very moment. You can practice with sipping on a tea or coffee, and just focusing solely on that. The smell. The taste. The texture. The warmth on your tongue. Now lots of thoughts will still come and go. Thats normal. Just recognise them, and dont judge the thoughts. Whatever they may be.

Now. If you can master this simple task, you can start applying it to more difficult things. Day to day life happenings for example. And the thoughts and feelings and body cues that come with lifes daily challenges.

People spend so much time focusing on expectations for themselves and others and expectations for their life. This is in fact, living in the future. Living by assumptions, is on the other hand, living in the past. We need to be more present in our current moment. It is evermore relevant. 

Now. You are questioning your sexuality. And what your preferences are. Its ok to be confused. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to understand ourselves. And lets not forget people are ever evolving, based on what life experiences we are immersed in. And the people we meet along the way. Lifes an adventure. Just, go with it. And see where it takes you. Just be open. To change. To self evolution. To the endless possibilities that life brings. And forget about the nay-sayers. And what negative things others pose on us. Yes. It is difficult. And isnt always possible. But whats important to remember is, you are special beautiful human being. And whatever makes you happy, is what goes. You live by your standards, beleifs, values and yearnings. And its ok to be confused, lost, unsure, questioning, about anything regarding our identities. Its perfectly ok. We are all just lost souls, trying to find a sense of belonging. Remember that.

All the best. 

Leighyu

[Lyra_reachout]

Hi @Eden1919 

Whatever the cause of your feelings of disgust I just want to say that your feelings are valid and worth understanding. 

There are so many mixed messages in society about sex and sexuality, about getting married and having kids it’s commendable you’re thinking about it all for yourself and not just accepting the status quo.

People can feel and express sexuality in many different ways so it’s definitely worth talking to someone to understand more. Also, some people just don’t feel attracted to other people very often whereas others might get attracted really easily. And asexuality is also a real thing which means (I think) someone who has intimate caring relationships but it’s not primarily based on sex (please check for proper definition ).

For me, I’m bisexual but i don’t really love that term...maybe ‘pansexual’ would be more accurate. i also have bipolar disorder...my mood swings have a big impact on my libido and i’m 43 and still learning about myself in this regard. I had a baby at 24 before i had a diagnosis. unplanned but very much wanted. Still, i think your thoughtfulness will pay off in the long run for you and anyone you care about. Good luck and all the best. IMHO, there’s nothing wrong with having these questions or with not doing what others are doing or think you should be doing. 

🌸🌸

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  hey I am going sort of lol I have too much study and I have been slacking. it is hard to tell what is MH and what isnt and I am sure it plays a part but then I also think surely at some point I would have at least been attracted to someone if it was the MH....

@Lyra_reachout  Thanks, I have considered the posibilty of being on the asexual spectrum but I also feel like I cant know for sure without having any experiences so I really dont know, I dont mind so much what my preferences are but I would like to know even if I only know what they are today I still want to know for myself.