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Sweet_cheeks
Senior Contributor

help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

Does anyone have some suggestions for how to make my son happy. He has no friends.He had one or two from school but now he doesn't see them. He has just spoken to me about his life. It has been traumatic. He lives with me and my husband. I am always riding his back about getting ahead and accusing him of things. He shook me up tonight. I'm surprised he doesn't hate me. He says he hates himself and hates the world. I was around I should've helped him. Mental illness is no excuse. I've been in denial about it. But what happened to him has been terrible and I want to make it up to him. He has been seeing a psychologist but it is very expensive so he stopped but in review I think he should return. does anyone have this situation. If he had some friends and a girlfriend it would make his life happier any suggestions.

8 REPLIES 8

Re: help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

hey @Sweet_cheeks

Sorry to hear about your son.

There are many options available though which is a great start. Maybe you could try bridging the gap and seek to understand why he is struggling at school in terms of his friendships. Maybe some other things are going on for him?

Perhaps returning to see the psych would be a good idea. Is this something that he was finding useful?

I remember school was hard for me in some ways and I think this comes with the age as well seeing as many things change in us at this age. Maybe he is also trying to navigate those changes too?

Re: help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

He didn't finish school. He's 21 with no prospects and in this climate getting a job is going to be really hard. You're right he should definitely go back to counselling. Maybe once a fortnight.

Re: help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

Hi there @Sweet_cheeks , 

 

Whilst it has been challenging, I can hear that you really want to support your son the best way you can. I wonder if you have heard of Headspace? Their eheadspace service provides free online and telephone support and counselling to young people 12 - 25 and their families and friend. You can take a look here for more information 🌻

 

Also a reminder that it is important for you to take care of your wellbeing too. So, if you ever need to chat with someone about anything, I would recommend you to reach out to the SANE Help Centre. The counsellors there are great and you can talk to them online and on the phone (10am to 10pm weekdays). 

 

Please take care🌺 

Re: help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

Hi @Sweet_cheeks  (luv the name, by the way Smiley Wink)

 

From what you've said, I find your son's position very relatable and I have to say, I found it so uplifting to read how eager you are to help remedy your son's problems. I'd always hoped my family would show a similar interest in helping me, but alas it wasn't to be. So there's a real vicarious joy for me in reading about your eagerness to help your son.

 

I don't know whether or not you'd be interested in getting some insight from someone like me, as to what your son might be going through. But if you are, I'll tell you about some of the big issues from a point of view such as my own. If you aren't, that's okay; you don't need to read any more of this post.

 

I have to stress that I can only write about my specific situation, and you son is a differant man with a differant situation. So keep in mind that just because I say something doesn't mean that the same will be true for your son. But hopefully this post might give you some insight and helpful food for thought. It might give you some ideas about questions you might want to ask your son.

 

First of all,you said that you think he ought to go back to the therapist he was seeing? One of the very hard lessons I learnt after my own stint in therapy is that therapists don't actually provide practical help to real-life crisises such as loneliness, isolation or unemployment. So if you are hoping that your son's therapist will try to help your son find a girlfriend, plutonic friends, or a satisfying job, I'm sorry to say that this is not the case. As a matter of fact, therapists unofficially call it "the golden rule" of therapy not to give patients any real-world help with their problems.

 

That was a major shock for me to learn that, considdering the way the media so often paints the mental health system as the great savior of people with unbearable lives.

 

Secondly, a major difficulty I've struck throughout my life is getting people to understand that loneliness is not cured by simply placing yourself in proximity to other human beings; it's about getting together with the right human beings for me.

 

I've faced a lot of crap in my life because I haven't been enthusiastic enough about socializing with people I don't connect with. Long story short, I've been punished because the only social options that have been presented to me aren't what I need. I've been labelled as 'a willfully unsocial person who wants to be alone' and basically been told over and over again that my loneliness is all my own fault because I haven't done a good enough job of pretending to enjoy untold hours of boring, unenjoyable or downright unpleasant company.

 

But just because I don't want to be indifinitely tied to someone who adds nothing to my life; just because I politely avoid summons to hang around with such people... it doesn't mean I want to be alone, that I enjoy being alone, or that I'm not willing to make any effort to find a family or take justifiable risks to do the same.

 

That might be worth keeping in mind if you start to feel like your son's behavior doesn't reflect someone who wants good relationships in his life. But once again, he's a differant man, so what I have to say won't necessarily apply to him. It's just something to think about.

 

It's also worth keeping in mind that empty and unpleasant encounters take something out of you, and - IMHO - you can't expect someone with a limited reserve of light in their life to play-act being a good little social participant in worthless social encounters indefinitely.

 

Thirdly, an enormous stumbling block in my life has been people assuming that what they want my life to look like is the blueprint for my happy ending. Nothing could be further from the truth. Similarly, people persist in judging me and my life based on what they considder to be desirable and undesirable. They have no regard for the fact that many of the things they wish to keep out of their lives are things that I dearly desire to have in my life, and vice-versa.

 

So if you are sincere about wanting to help your son, please make sure you are working towards his blueprint for a happy ending, not necessarily your own. Make no assumptions. Ask him questions about what he needs, and try not to make any judgements, if you can. If my parents ever really acknowledged what I need, I'm sure they would say to themselves: "Why the hell would anyone ever want their life to be like that?" My aspirations have always been totally alien to them. So it may well be the case that your son's desires might totally confound you. But if you are sincere about wanting to help him, you need to remember that that's the job: to help him; not to help yourself by bending his life to look the way you want it to look.

 

Finally, in referance to your post:


@Sweet_cheeks wrote:

He didn't finish school. He's 21 with no prospects and in this climate getting a job is going to be really hard. You're right he should definitely go back to counselling. Maybe once a fortnight.


I'm not sure how much that's weighing on your mind in relation to the other problems you've mentioned. But one of the things I've found that others have difficulty appreciating is that, when your in a situation like mine, the struggle to survive takes a backseat to an absence of value in your life. I've been unemployed for a long time now and a lot of people turn their noses up at me because of that. But money, employment, survival are the last things on my mind. I'm all alone with no love, no friendship, no reason to live. So why on earth would I be concerned that I can't afford to feed myself? For me, the prospect of starvation isn't a nightmare; it's liberation.

 

Once again, my woes mightn't necessarily reflect your son's woes. But if, as you say: "he hates himself and hates the world" he may well be mystified by people imposing an expectation upon him that he should fight and struggle to remain in this world which he hates. In other words, he may not appreciate your concern about his difficulties in making a living if he has no reason to live. I, myself, am completely mystified by why others think I'm not doing enough to insure I remain here in hell indefinitely. But, once again, your son may well have differant views. Don't make assumptions; ask him what's going on with him.

 

But IMHO, priority one is to fix the life; make it good, make it worth prolonging - then you can start wrestling with the follow up question of how you are going to prolonging it. You expect to push someone to make a living when they have no reason to live.

 

 

I hope this can offer you some useful insight that might ultimately help you to help your son.Smiley Happy I apologize for going on and on about myself, but I can only write from personal experiance.

Re: help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

@Flying_Hams love your avatar. Thanks for the help. School was hard for him. He had an autistic twin brother who he was always defending and would get into fights. he had An awful teacher a real witch she had kept the class in for lunch saying my son was to blame because he hadn't finished his work. She also said he looked like mr bean. this was in primary school. You can imagine the response. He did have a lovely friend though who was very intelligent like him. He is really gifted which is more upsetting.  High school wasn't any better, He had already had some trauma at home and was ill equiped

to navigate the teenage world. He did get a friend or too at the end but because he was so damaged he didn't realise how many people liked him. He went to a party once and he came back surprised that so many people liked him. Poor darling. He was a loner. He has had to navigate life in part carrying his brother who has been a lot of trouble. I let this happen. It is terrible.

I hope you have recovered from school. I had a hard time sometimes as well.

Re: help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

Hi @chibam 

This is wonderful advice. First of all I hope you find people who you find interesting and people that you want to be around. even if it's one person you can say you have a circle of friend. haha poor attempt at humor. Thank you for sharing your experience. I think what you say about judgement has opened my eyes. I have been judging him. He is so clever and such a wonderful strong person I just expect he can reach the stars and want him to succeed in whatever he chooses to do and I think that would make him happy. I put pressure on him to make me feel better because I think pushing him into society will make him happy. He is really damaged and i share some blame for it. . I had a good few years when I was very mentally unwell and a drinker and mental illness is no excuse to go completely awol. There was also bullying at school. He has an autistic twin brother who he has pretty much carried all his life and it has been a real burden. We lived with my mother who had alzhiemers and would pull his hair and call him a monster when he was wrestling with his brothers. So it has been a really awful  life for him with nowhere to hide.

Your idea of letting him lead his own life seems obvious but someone needed to tell me . The worry I have makes me mad that he is not helping himself and i get frustrated. As you say other people assume what they want  for your life is what will make you happy.  This is really important. My idea of happiness may not be his. as you say. I've got to back off a little bit. He is in such a sad state I need to help him find his happy places. He likes to play music and computer games. But the games have become like heroin blocking out everything. He has even said this. I think we need to take him out for a walk and talk to him about what he wants. We talked about this on the night he told me how unhappy he was. I think it was the wrong time as he was too depressed. I think my anxiety about him being happy doesn't help because I am coming up with solutions but I think I just need to listen.

I've made some suggestions like meetup where you do something you like and may meet like minded indiviuals who share your interests. He might give it a go. 

Thank you. It's really good to get an insiders advice. I think your situation is similar to my son. He has a friend he could hang out with but my son has not a lot of respect for him. I think he is just waiting for quality friends people who are "kindred spirits".( sorry I am a daggy mum it's a reference to Anne of Green Gables) I wish you the best and hope you find happiness. If you do please tell me where to find it. cheers sweet_cheeks

Re: help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

@Peonies hi thanks for the support. I have contacted headspace last week and left a message. I've had some trouble with my new phone so I will call again today. Hopefully I can get him in sometime this week. Thank you for the suggestion. cheers sweet_cheeks

Re: help son in trouble sad, lonely, angry

Thanks, @Sweet_cheeks Smiley Happy

 

I'm glad you found it helpful.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your son's rough life. Those sorts of harsh lessons can be hard to un-learn, especially when, as you say, you can't find anywhere to hide. There are tonnes of "mental health" organizations out there who love to dispense cheap promises to people like your son that: "the past doesn't equal the future", or "it gets better". But for people who have suffered, the proof is in the pudding, and not in cheap promises.

 

What I'm trying to say is that it's very understandable why your son might struggle to see a genuine route to a happy future.

 


@Sweet_cheeks wrote:

Your idea of letting him lead his own life seems obvious but someone needed to tell me . The worry I have makes me mad that he is not helping himself and i get frustrated.


There may be good reasons for him "not helping himself". He mightn't know of any way to help himself, or he mightn't have the capability to do whatever he needs to help himself. Once again, until you know what someone actually wants, you can't know what "helping" them to get to that end actually means, nor can you know whether or not they have the knowledge or resources necessary to take any meaningful steps towards that end.

 

The idea of "letting someone lead their own life" is a tricky balancing act - but it sounds like you've got a good grasp of the subtleties. Smiley Happy Too often I've heard it used in a dismissive and almost punishing way, e.g. "You don't want to listen to me? Fine! Your on your own! It's your life. You do what you want!" But IMHO, respecting someone's differant ambitions doesn't necessarily mean abandoning them to their plight. Just because someone needs to follow their own dreams doesn't mean that don't need or want other peoples' help to get there.

 

As I say, it sounds like you already appreciate that subtlety, which is great!Smiley Very Happy

 


@Sweet_cheeks wrote:

I think he is just waiting for quality friends people who are "kindred spirits".( sorry I am a daggy mum it's a reference to Anne of Green Gables)


Lol. Don't worry, I use that phrase all the time myself.Smiley Happy Though up until now, I had no idea where it originated from!

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