Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shelly74]

My sister in law has diagnosed bipolar, we have known each other for about 20+ yrs before I had my children to her late brother. We haven't always been in communication, but we have a history together. Sometimes I feel this history gives her liberty's over me.

I love her care very much about her, but often I find she emotionally blackmails me. She can be quite demanding and over time I've had to create boundaries to keep our friendship healthy. I try to gently pull her up when I find she is overwhelming me, but then she'll pull the 'you're rejecting me', or she'll get all suicidal on me. I don't know how to separate myself from this as her brother took his life and I often think she uses this against me to get at me emotionally. I find this very unfair and wish I could get her to understand the stress she puts me through.

Has anyone else with a loved one diagnosed with a mental illness also had to deal with this and what did you do or say to get them to realise this?

[suzanne]

HI @Shelly74, welcome to the Forums.  I'm glad you posted.  You describe a situation that lots of carers and family members will recognise.  It's hard to manage difficult behaviours when there is a mental illness present.  Where do you draw the line?  What's fair to you and fair to them?  And how do you know when that behaviour is a unavoidable consequence of the illness rather than a choice?  

It sounds like you've done a pretty good job so far but that it's wearing you down.  Bipolar can certainly create more intense moods that can be hard to control.  But that doesn't mean that anything goes.  Whenever I've had clients try to justify hurtful behaviour on the grounds that they couldn't control themselves, I always asked where and when this behaviour occurred.  It was generally in private and aimed at someone who wasn't able to protect themselves.  That means that choices are being made.  They are able to control themselves in other environments where there would be consequences. 

So from my point of view, it's fine to continue enforcing boundaries.  To refuse to accept hurtful behaviour so you are not that safe place they can unload their negative feelings.  I'm sure that you do it kindly.

Can I ask what's shifting that made you post?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Shelly74

When my mother-in-law was behaviopng badly towards me and hurting me, a a result of an emotionally traumatic childhood (I don't know whether her behaviour fell under mental illness), one if the boundaries I placed around her was only spending time in the company of other people whom she wanted to impress, or out in public.  These were the two circumstances where she was on her best behaviour.

Across time, and with other boundaries, she learned to "play nicely" and the reward for both of us became the loosening if those boundaries.

I hope this helps you too 🌷

[Appleblossom]

I really like that response @Faith-and-Hope smart ...

but not always practical... but I will keep it mind .. if one is already isolated as happens to me a lot  ... is that those who play the vent and do have control ... do it when they are alone with me .. there are protections in being in crowds ... but first there are often huge hurdles of social interaction and confidence to address.

I am not sure ... all "harmful" behaviour is clearly controlled ... wuth clear choice @suzanne there are different pressures on everybody ... but that is my own experience and my own opinion. I have usually been in the minority. Have you read "The Reader."

@Shelly74 Boundaries seem called for .. its nice that you do care about your sister in law .. suicide does take a terrible toll .. but we cant live in fear of it all the time.

[Shelly74]

I guess what brought on the latest episode of me trying to keep our friendship healthy is I confided in her about troubles I'm having with my 16yr old daughter (her niece) and that for some time I'd been putting off telling my sister in law (Nirmala) that my daughter had told me she didn't want her aunty to come stay with us again. Nirmala lives interstate and loves coming to stay with us as we live rural and she loves the break from city life. She has stayed with us numerous times now and each time something stressful will happen.

Just a little background - Nirmala and I have this connection because of her late brother. Both of them were adopted from Sri Lanka when quite young and unfortunately the adoptive couple separated not long after with the adoptive father being given sole custody. He abused them horrificly for a number of years before they were made wards of the state. And because of this upbringing they were scarred in a meriad of ways. Mohamed my late partner took his life just days before my daughter was born, a week later Nirmala was admitted to a psych ward and diagnosed bi polar.  

I am a single mum to four children all living with me, I'm also a carer to my eldest who is 20 because he has mild autism. My two older teens are to my sister in law's late brother and I also have two younger boys 5 and 10. I went through a divorce just late last year from an alcoholic husband, and I now suffer anxiety from that abusive marriage. So I'm also on anti depressants myself and I've been having to let my sister in law know that I'm not dealing with alot of stress myself.

I've tried to keep our friendship healthy, making allowances for her mental diagnosis and her uniqueness where she will often act childlike, dancing and twirling in public, her fascination for flowers picking any where ever she sees them. The only thing is I need to keep my children safe and when I see them becoming confused by her actions like practising silence, changing her name constantly and demanding we call her by her new name. Running across rounds with out care for traffic because something has caught her attention, constantly having music playing in her earphones via her ipod - this all becomes very stressful and confusing for us. So when I asked her outright why is it she will do this out in public but not so much in private, could she tell my why she seems to like the attention? Her response was to become very offended and claim I'm rejecting her as is my daughter. I guess this is the extreme response you get from someone with bipolar? Do I just let things be and wait for her to call me next? Or should I be very concerned and try to contact her support team which I've done previously. I feel she's making me out to be a horrible person towards her. Gosh this has become such a long response to just one question.

[Faith-and-Hope]

It's okay @Shelly74.  A lot of people give long responses when there is a lot to say.  And you have a lot to say ...

I will let the mods step in and guide you with support services for the state you are in.  I will tag some of them here ...... 

@suzanne @NikNik @Fancy_Pants @JoseJones @Former-Member @Rockpool @CherryBomb

Someone will pick up the thread and respond for you.  This is one way of contacting the moderators with any questions you may have.  Even if any particular one is not on duty, you are contacting their base anyway.  They will be able to offer you practical advice to support yourself and your family, especially as there are so many children involved, and they have come through so much already, as have you.  It is important to keep your balance for all of you.

I am in a situation where I am having to work hard at keeping my family balanced whike we battle the behaviour of someone who needs help, but doesn't recognise this for themselves as of yet.  It's no picnic .....

Do you have the support of a counsellor or psychologist for yourself ?  You sound as though you have managed a lot for a very long time, and have a strong sense of compassion going on there in response to the needs of others.  One of the most important aspects of being a carer is realising that you are just as important as everyone else in your life, and you too need support and a lot of self-care to protect your own well-being.

Take care 🌷

[Mosaic]

Hi @Shelly74 

Welcome to the Forums and thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. What with your sister in law being a single parent to 4 kids, another with special needs... not to mention going through a recent divorce. That's a lot to take on. Echoing @Faith-and-Hope's response, I'm wondering do you have any support? I am sure you have your hands full and probably don't have much spare time and money to devote to yourself, but did you know you can access free counselling through Carers Australia. Either over the phone, or in person. Just thought I'd mention it, as it sounds like you're so busy looking after everyone around you, but I wonder who is looking after you in all this??

It sounds like you were assertive with your sister in law about her behaviour, and she didn't respond well to that. But keep in mind, that doesn't mean you were wrong to be assertive. You are just looking out for yourself and for your kids, and that is a healthy priority to hold. Take care.

[Shelly74]

Thanks Mosaic, didn't know they did phone counselling so will look into it. I think sometimes I just need to hear that it's ok, and that I've responded in the right way, and yes self care is a big one, I've learnt that one by attending Al-anon because of my ex husband.

[Shelly74]

Thank you Faith and Hope. Sometimes I forget it's ok to seek and accept help. That I don't have to be there for everyone.

[Faith-and-Hope]

That's probably the greatest challenge there is as a carer @Shelly74, doing as much as you reasonably can, drawing boundaries, looking after yourself in the process, and not taking on responsibility for everyone else's outcomes ........

One question I often ask myself is, "Have I done the best I can with this moment / circumstance / situation / person ?" 

If the answer is yes, then I give myself permission to take my hands off the wheel and draw back, so someone else needs to step up to driving it instead.  If there is no-one else available, maybe that's where support services need to take over, or the care needs to be shared out and suspended between others, or the central person needs to step up for themselves (maybe with training and support) .......

If the answer is no, then I identify what else I believe I can do, and maybe part of that step is beginning a hand-over process as per the above.

Each 24 hours in the day can only support so much energy and activity.  Each relationship can only support so much tension.  We are not designed to live in a contingency state indefinitely.  This has to be a primary consideration for all of us .......

Be well @Shelly74 💐