Lived Experience Forum

[mylife83]

Hi there, all my life I have struggled with change especially big changes that occur. I do know that I suffer from OCD and am doing my very best to gain control over my actions. Recently I have moved back from overseas and although It's a big change, I have been super excited about it. I am finding being surrounded by friends and family so much that I'm feeling un easy with it all. I'm not to sure why I feel this way. I mean my family has never made my life easy from day one and I've always felt like I'm the runt of the litter. I struggle with large open crowds, whether it's around strangers or family, I still get into a panic. Without realising it, I seem to be snapping at my wife about little things, but not in an aggressive way but enough to make her feel like I am upset with her. I'm doing everything in my power to reassure her that I'm ok with her and that she hasn't upset me at all. But not only is my OCD becoming worse by the minute, I don't realise that I'm doing certain behaviours so often until she points them out. On top of this, I stress that it may be taking effect on our marriage and am afraid of losing her to my struggles. I know she cares and shows her support, but my past has been to hurt and broken by a lot of people to a degree where I don't feel safe around anyone but my wife. I can talk to people one on one in the street but for some reason start to panic and get anxious when entering shopping centres etc. I'm not sure if I am pushing myself into areas that I know I can't handle, yet I have no idea what is wrong. I mean I don't feel stressed or worried about anything leading up to an event. But once there, I start to break. I just need some guidance in the right direction as to how I could gain more control over my life without the need to check switches, taps, car doors, stove tops etc. I feel insecure, but don't know why. I have moments when I stutter so bad, yet don't know why. My life's becoming a mess within myself, yet I look forward to another day so much. I don't feel depressed, I feel excited but can't explain my feelings and emotions to a degree of understanding by others.

[KobeCat]

Hi @mylife83

Welcome to the forums!. Thanks for contributing your first post.

It is great that you have reached out  and are seeking support from this community in relation to all the changes you are experiencing and how they impact on your OCD. 

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot, and it can be very overwhelming and confusing and I hope in this space you feel less alone.  Unfortunately anxiety can effect so many people in so many ways and for so many reasons...  There is a lot of wisdom and support on the forum. 

Wishing you the best

KobeCat

[mylife83]

Thank you KobeCat for your comments. I am very great full that someone has taken the time to read my story and troubles that worry me. Its a hard one for me to figure out. Like I've said, I'm experiencing troubles and feeling anxious yet don't understand the true reason why. I wake up fine and don't have anything on my mind that I feel is the matter yet feel trapped within myself. It's very hard for me to discuss anything with people as I don't like being the centre of attention. I feel when I walk into a public environment that it seems as though people go out of there way to look at me. Yet I have no idea what it is that makes them turn and look. And so because of this, I feel I need to double check my appearance. I suffer incontinence and because of its severity I require the need to wear adult diapers. Although I am comfortable and accepting of my condition, it makes me even more paranoid that my shirt has accidently been tucked in, or its become obvious to on lookers. So then I become over self conscious and that's when it starts to snow ball effect. Example, when my wife and myself go shopping she may need to stop and do something in a very open space in the shopping centre, that may be surrounded by let's say the food courts. There are tonnes of people sitting around eating at tables, here we are just stood there awkwardly whilst in waiting for her. Because I'm in stood there feeling like all eyes are on me, I then become un easy and just can't wait to atleast get out of that zone. Once I'm out of sight from this large crowd, even if it's just escaping into the closest shop I feel calmer and instantly feel better. I've explained this to her before but it appears she doesn't quite understand my feelings about this and continues to put me in these type of situations. I need to try and find a way of coping with this as I enjoy the shops, just not the awkwardness.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @mylife83 and welcome to the forums.

Sometimes it helps just to be able to voice what it is you are experiencing, without feeling as though people are judging you over it, or finding it weird.

The advice that comes to mind in your situation is one I have used with my kids .... and that is, rather than struggling with what you don't want, try turning it around and asking for what you prefer instead.  

To give you an example using one you have already raised, when your wife stops to sort something out in the middle of a food court area, ask if she wouldn't mind just stepping to the side of the food court because you are feeling uncomfortable standing out in the middle.  If she quibbles about that, saying it's unreasonable or silly or whatever, simple ask her to respect your feelings about this please ... you are uncomfortable and asking for her support.

It is such a simple thing, it seems like it won't make a difference, but this sort of tweaking things often does.

Believe it or not, hearing you voice your struggle with OCD is helping me to understand my hubby's situation better.  While we don't have a diagnosis for him at this stage - in fact he is every inch in denial - it is clear from his behaviour past and present that OCD is part of his bigger picture.

Nice to meet you @mylife83 ..... take care ....

🌷🌿