Lived Experience Forum

[ClockFace]

Its 4:30am, Ive been up again since 3am and dont see a point going back to bed. I have an early start today as I have to travel 45min @110Km/hr to my cardiologist to start investigating if I have heart disease now. The guy at the ER was writing to my cardiologist because he had some concerns and I had some significant factors. At this point Im a bit worried but given everything else its a bit meh whats another thing. Dad has heart disease and Mum is in heart failure and has hypertrophic cardiomyopathy which my sister and I get tested for regularly. My last test was within the last 6 months so that makes me feel better about my heart being ok.

I sent an email to my Financial Councillor after I woke up, if we cant get stuff sorted with my creditors I am going to talk to my employer to get permission to go bankrupt basically on medical grounds. But it will depend on how it would affect family who have lent me money. Failing that Ill let the debts default and deal with the merchantile agent. Not really sure what else I can do.

Im fairly annoyed that I cant drive myself today, its too far with my back so dear old Dad is taking me. I appreciate that he is doing it but I feel like its something I should be able to do, I cant remember the last time I had to have Dad take me to an appointment, hell I think for the most part I get myself to ER if I need to go. Im somewhat hard headed but I dont like being a burden to others.

This whole blood test thing with the inflamation markers is on my mind a bit, like what medical crap am I going to have to deal with next. Like how much more do I have to deal with medically. At the same time, maybe they will find something they can fix and Ill feel better, but history says its some new BS for me to manage.

Ive been saying that I didnt think I was depressed, I was more numb than depressed but this pain from surgery has, I think, pushed me over to depressed. I mean I have a lot going on in my life that would make me depressed but this pain has just been the last straw

[prisonersorange]

Hey, I can totally empathise with you on feeling like a burden. It sounds like you're in a super stressful situation. When things have been like that for me, I've always pushed myself to do more than is healthy, because I view independence as a sign that I'm doing alright. It's the idea that as long as I can keep myself moving, shoulder to shoulder, where I 'should' be, then nothing's really that bad.

I'm also somewhat hard headed, and so although I know the best thing to do would be to focus on acceptance of the situation, I always struggle to fully believe my own acceptance. I can never quite get myself to accept that I'm struggling, because that always feels like it comes with a moral label. It's either "You're not doing well, and that's okay," or "You're not doing well, and that sucks." It's hard to breathe with "You're not doing well, and that's neither good nor bad, that's just how it is, let's try and get on with it," as I tend to feel like I'm ignoring my problems.

Anyway, what I find helps is to focus as much as I can on little truths. It's cold today, fog is forming on the windows. It's nice of your dad to drive you. It's nice to feel useful, or at least I enjoy feeling useful. I've made myself a very nice cup of tea. I can never assume what other people are feeling, only how I would feel in their shoes. This makes me want to be kinder, more understanding. I've got socks on both feet and I'm wearing a jumper with ducks on it. I should probably try to fall asleep again.

I'm sorry about your health. My fingers are crossed for your heart. I can't really speak for pain, but I know what it's like to feel like a burden. I have every well wish for you and your parents.

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