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Contributor

Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.

To preface (I got discharged from a youth mental health team, they diagnosed me with schizophrenia and MDD), my psychiatrist said that my long standing belief/feeling that social interaction is immoral/unhealthy/wrong MAY BE a part of my psychosis. Although I've had this immoral belief/feeling since I was in preschool, but it only started bothering me once I started medication 4 years ago. (I could finally understand why I avoided interaction) Although I was medicated for other more concrete psychotic reasons. I'm currently on two antipsychotics, quite high doses.

 

So this immoral belief/feeling bothers me to no end, I know it's a problem, but I choose to believe it as it seems to be some kind of duty I have to partake in. My psychiatrist seems stumped as to what it actually is though, as he said I MAY BE a psychotic symptom.

 

Now the problem is, my counsellor brought up that she notices that I don't want to give that immoral feeling/belief up, I agree with that. As I have had it my whole life and losing it would be a "major personality change" (I'm not sure what else to call it.), My psychiatrist proposed that I change to another medication that has a better efficacy than my current medications and see if that helps with my other more concrete psychotic symptoms but losing that immoral feeling/belief is really worrying me, I would not know what to do with myself if it was gone. I WANT it gone, but it's a "major" part of me. ( I know it's not that easy, but if the medication reduces it to a degree, it's still a major change)

 

Anyone have a similar experience? Like reducing/losing an "important" delusion with medication use/therapy? Did you get used to it? (again I'm not saying what I'm going through is a delusion/psychotic symptom, but it's that only thing that makes sense after all my searching for answers, and my psychiatrist said it's a possibility as well.)

8 REPLIES 8
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Re: Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.

Hi @skyburial .Smiley Happy

 

I've had a partially similar experiance. When I was in therapy, my therapist tried to destroy things that made me me. IMHO, it was a fool's errand as you can't alter the attributes that define something - at least not without destroying it; but that's probably a whole new conversation.

 

The main thing with my situation was that these attempted "alterations" were completely non-consentual. I didn't want them; and I was very certain about that.

 

The impression I get from your post is that you are in two minds about removing this aspect of your personality? (for lack of a better way of putting it) I have no personal experiance of that because, as I've said, I was always very clear about what I wanted for myself.

 

Can I ask, why do you want this moral code of yours gone? I can understand the case you've made for hanging on to it, but I'm not so clear on your reasons for wanting to get rid of it.

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Re: Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.

@chibam 

 

I want it gone because it's very conflicting to have, it's very limiting as well. But I can't see exactly why it's a bad thing either? Lately on bad days I've started questioning if I'm a bad person, simply because I interacted with another person. I've never done that before, but it's getting to that point, it seems.

 

It's lead me to ghost perfectly good friends, I ghosted them as soon as highschool finished (coming up to 7 years ago), I feel conflicted about interacting with my family at times.

 

But it feels like a duty. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but it feels like it's needed.

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Re: Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.

@skyburial 

Could it be that early in your development you witnessed interactions that felt there was an immoral aspect to it, but were uncertain about what it might be ... ??

 

There could be times when it is not right, like continually socialising (like drinking at pub) and not fulfilling other important duties (like parenting, supporting spouse or paying bills) ... not sure ... just my two cents worth.

 

Smiley HappySmiley Happy

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Re: Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.

@Appleblossom 

 

That may be a possible case, but tbh I do not remember my childhood at all,

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Re: Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.


@skyburial wrote:

@chibam 

 

I want it gone because it's very conflicting to have, it's very limiting as well.


Can you be more specific? What is the conflict?

 

IME, something that is 'limiting' isn't necessarily a problem. It's only a problem if what you want exists beyond those limits. In fact, 'limiting' things can, ironically, be quite liberating, if they block out something you don't even want in your life.

 

So, what I'm saying is, is there something you want in your life that this value system is getting in the way of?

 

(BTW, let me know if I'm getting too nosy. Smiley Happy I'm just trying to figure out the situation to see if I can help.)

 


@skyburial wrote:

It's lead me to ghost perfectly good friends, I ghosted them as soon as highschool finished (coming up to 7 years ago), I feel conflicted about interacting with my family at times.

 

But it feels like a duty. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but it feels like it's needed.


It's quite common to feel duty-bound to maintain certain relationships & social obligations. IME, society is very pushy about making people feel like they "have to" maintain connections with such people, even if it's not in their own best interests to do so. To make matters worse, there are many real and/or implied benefits that can be stripped from us if we don't adequately fulfil our quotas of keeping company with these people. It's very easy to get blacklisted, defamed and otherwise punished if we don't do a convincing job of pretending that we want these people around.

 

I'm not saying that we don't all have responsibilities living in this world, but I would advise people that it's not right if they've found themselves trapped in a situation where every human connection they have is a soul-crushing or disgusting chore for them. Everyone deserves to have a life that is sufficiently filled with things that genuinely enrich their lives and make them appreciate life itself. It can't all be suffering and duty in service of a world that seems to do nothing more then consistently demonstrate it's own hideousness to us.

 

I guess what I'm saying is: Why do you say it feels like a duty? Is it because you can identify some genuine merit in performing that service? Or is it beause others have told you that it's somehow "wrong" to not meet some benchmark of sociableness?

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Re: Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.

@chibam 

 

You're not being intrusive at all, this is an "anonymous account"

 

I guess the conflict is that I feel as though I shouldn't be interacting with said person, it feels profoundly wrong, but I know it's normal to interact with people, but also seems even unhealthy, guilt is probably the word, but I feel as though as that doesn't exactly fit.

 

Sorry for not being clear, the immoral belief/feeling feels like a duty, something that if I do properly will enlighten me/make my life better, if that makes sense? Objectively in a sustainable world, everything is optional of course. This immoral feeling prevents me from having a job. Although if I had a job I probably would be a "major alcoholic", just to deal with the interactions. So I avoid anything that has a possiblity to make my situation worse. I genuinely liked my friends, they were great people, but I ghosted them due to my feelings of it being immoral/unhealthy, and I couldn't keep living with the contact, as it caused major stress/conflict within myself.

 

No one has any input into whether I find interactions wrong, as far as I'm aware, It's something that's been there since preschool, maybe earlier. But a child's mind is very influential so I honestly have no clue. I genuinely believe that it benefits me, but I don't know how exactly.

 

 

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Re: Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.

Hi @skyburial  it must be awful for you to be going through  such a dilemma.  Your personal beliefs are all you have ever know.  All I can suggest is continue to interact with people in the forums, and give yourself time to see if you enjoy it or not. Take small steps,  take care 

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Re: Worried about losing "self" if psychiatrist is correct.

@skyburial  That is indeed a dillemma.Smiley Indifferent As you say, regular interaction with others is indeed "normal". I guess the big question that comes to mind is: Is "normal" what's right for you? I only ask because I know that plenty of people have discovered that trying to force themselves into the basket of "normalcy" made them very unhappy and ultimately decided that they were much happier embracing their natural "abnormality" (for lack of a better way of saying it) and doing what was right for themselves.

 

The employment issue is a tricky one. As you indicate, it's all but impossible to get employment without proper contacts, and even if you get a job, odds are that it will require a fair degree of human interaction (although I believe there are some that involve a minimal amount of human interaction).

 

All I can suggest there is that you try to take care that you aren't "spinning your wheels" in social interactions that won't ultimately lead you into a job that suits you. If social interactions are indeed as difficult for you as you say, then it's probably a good idea to make sure that putting yourself through all that unpleasantness/trauma actually amounts to something. Maybe things work differant for you, but for me, every unpleasant/traumatic experiance I had to slog through for absolutely zero benefit took something out of me. It made the world feel more hopeless; made me a little more intollerant/impatient and made it much harder to try again, until eventually I just got to a point where pretty much every gamble that's presented to me these days just can't be justified.

 

Needless suffering for needless suffering's sake... it just breaks you. But as I say, that's me. Perhaps you are differant? If you are lucky, perhaps you are immune; beyond the risk of debilitating demoralization.

 

I can't offer any tips, I'm afraid, on how to identify the social arrangements that lead to employment. All I can suggest is that you trust your instincts; particularly if you get the sense that you are just being exploited. If you get that feeling, trust it, and do your best to get out of the situation as soon as you can.

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