Lived Experience Forum

[Orwellian]

I have nowhere to go.

The local Mental Health Service has traumatised and rejected me.

My GP does not want to deal with anything unless I take drugs again.

The phone and online services do not help and do not offer confidentiality.

Online Forums will not let me express myself.

The only option left is the Catholic Church, which is weird being an aetheist. At least the priest will offer confidentiality.

Probably will just bottle it all up until it gets too much. That is where it is heading.

[nashy]

Heya @Orwellian, Nashy here I am one of the Community Manager's on the forums 👋  I just sent an email to your inbox. I am sorry to hear about this experience - We're here to listen. Let me know if you have any issues accessing the e-mail.

[Orwellian]

I can access the email. Thanks for the tips on how to massage the truth into an acceptable form. 

Personally it is probably easier to stay silent if I cannot be honest. I know that does not work well in Mental Health circles and makes my life more difficult. 

I feel like Tony in the series “After Life”. The only problem is that real life doesn’t have a script writer. 

Note to self - I must not disclose. 

[Eden1919]

@Orwellian  HI sadly i find my self in a smiliar situation to you in regards to serivces and being able to voice what i need to. It is not an easy place to be and is excrutiatingly frustrating, exhausting and defeating. i find the only place and can honestly express my thoughts is my journal but it doesnt provide the same relief as talking to a live human being. still unfortunatly we live in a society and that means doing things in ways that arent always the best for ourselves in terms of dealing with things. but because we are all different but trying to do things together you get a blanket effect of one size fits all in regards to government and health care serivces. which isnt helpful for a lot of people actually but thats how it is and unless the government and people paying the taxes want to fork out a lot more money to pay for more individualised serivces we are stuck. also there are a number of issues with stigma and perceptions of "what works" in mental health in particular that can be very unhelpful for those that dont fit the model. 

As for where to go for you i cant say i have much helpful advice as I havent found much that helps myself but i would say if you can find something that you have a passion for and throw yourself into it and it can be anything doesnt matter what (so long as it is legal) but getting heavily involved in a project has helped both distract me and give me a sense of purpose or at least something to fight for. because at the end of the day life itself is a constant fight of sorts. sometimes there are cease fires and sometimes not. but i whish you luck in findind a way to deal with whatever you are going through and i am so sorry you have had such a bad experience. also sorry if this makes no sense or if it doesnt apply to you. feel free to ignore it if it isnt helpful. 

[Orwellian]

Thanks Eden1919.

I feel I cannot say what I want here either. My first two posts were not allowed to be posted. So I now have to keep in mind what "they" will permit be posted.

There is a lot of critisism of the Catholic Church that they defend the sanctity of the confessional. I too am critical of them, but not for that. I am not a believer but do support them on that point. There is healing power in being able to discuss ANYTHING and it going no further. It means that in that context ANYTHING is open. When confidentiality is conditional then it's really not confidental at all. So with that along with Snow Flake counsellors I cannot get help.

[Eden1919]

@Orwellian  yes it is very hard to find the line when posting on sites such as this. and it is hard for everyone including the moderators. naturally different things upset different people in different ways so there is a sort of "walking on egg shells" vibe that comes along with these sorts of forums not that they cant help in some ways but there is never the feeling of freedom of expression which many people so often crave. I agree that there is a special type of healing unconditional expression provides. I often wish there was a place where i could tell anything i needed without being penalised or having some sort of "consequence" just being free to let the things out that need to be let out. that is why i do art and journal. i never show these things to people but i keep them for me and another thing i find quite good which isnt exactly the same but i find video diaries really good because it gives you the sense of talking out loud about problems but no one else finds out about it and you can delete the video after if you want or keep it. I am sorry again i cant give you exactly what you are needing but i am always around to listen even if it is to a vauge and non specific discussion. 

[Orwellian]

Glad that works for you @Eden1919 

I do need to express these things but do not have an outlet.

What happens is it builds up inside and poisons me. There are little break outs and I find myself getting sicker and moving away from people. I am getting very isolated now and my thoughts are getting darker.

But on the brighter side it will not upset a counsellor.

[Eden1919]

@Orwellian  that's hard to deal with. Is there anything other than talking that you could use as an outlet. Maybe if it is a certain feeling you could do smething to get that feeling out. like if it is anger smashing plates or throwing rocks into a river? If it is thoughts that is much harder.... it really is frustrating when you just need to talk but no one wants to hear it because it might get them in trouble. 

[CheerBear]

Hi @Orwellian. I'm really sorry to hear you've had experiences that have left you feeling like you're better off staying silent. I know when I've felt like that it has made things very difficult for me.

Something that has really helped me is finding someone I can speak with who is prepared and willing to work with a high level of risk. It took ages to find that but my psychologist is that person and over time we have established a high degree of trust. It's kind of been like a to and fro with us, with the more I talk and see he is OK with it, the more he is OK with it and the more I talk (that makes more sense in my mind!). He trusts me to talk openly and I trust he won't react to that by escalating it (me) to services I find scary. Instead of escalating things, we have worked together to find ways to keep me safe and he has trusted me to do those things (which I always have which has helped build that trust). Establishing that mutual trust and a safe place to talk openly, has been an ongoing process but one I know from experience, is possible.

It's also helped me to be very clear about the line between what I feel OK to talk about without fear of the response I will get, and what I don't. One service I found really helpful as far as that was suicide call back service. I know people's experiences with services vary but for me this one was really useful.

I really like @Eden1919 's suggestion to find and use safe outlets for expression. While it isn't the same as talking with someone, it can help to release some of the build up that happens and maybe help you get to a place where you can talk with someone.

It's a horrible feeling to have to decide between honesty and silence. It drives me absolutely bonkers. I really hope you're able to find something that works for you soon.

[Orwellian]

Thanks for the support, however I am finding it hard to really expess myself here. A lot of the frustration that I am experiencing is also not able to be posted here. The rules here are making it harder for me to cope and not easier.

I just wish I could explain my situation. The risk of trying to find an outlet is VERY high. So far all the services I have tried, including here, are pushing me into keeping silent rather than getting help. Such is Life.