Lived Experience Forum

[2qwerty]

I've had a pretty crummy few weeks, especially the last week, I've just been super depressed. 

Today is the work christmas party, which highlights all of the anxieties, inadequacies, and so on. Which only makes matters worse. I had an awful week of work, stress that drove me to fits of rage, worry...even a point where I was subconciously stressed and didn't even know it until I started acting strangely and someone told me I was stressed.

Anyway I've been thinking a lot lately about my place in the world, and i've realised...I don't bring anything good to the table. 

I use too much water, thanks to OCD, so i am a waste of water. 

I am not fun, thanks to anxiety, so most of the time I am having a panic attack or am extremely irritable thanks to wanting to avoid something. So I am a debbie downer. 

My mindset is wrong, and not like everyone elses. I don't want to spend time with colleagues, I don't care about them at all. But everyone else is friends.

I just feel wrong. 

If you don't go to an event, you're not a good culture fit. 

If you go, have a panic attack or get irritable over circumstances you can't change or avoid, you have an attitude problem. Its lose lose.  

[Got_the_tshirt]

 @2qwerty I'm sorry you feel that way at the moment.

I've felt like you describe and frankly it sucks (to put it lightly!). You're not alone.

Please know that no one is a waste of resources. None of us are. No matter what's on our list of shortcomings (or perceived shortcomings). My list is catastrophic and sometimes feels infinite! And that's ok. We're all gloriously stuffed up and just trying to do our best in whatever circumstances we find ourselves.  No one is less valuable than anyone else. 

The "damned if you do, damned if you don't" dilemmas are rotten. All we can do is try to make the best decision we can at any given time - that ideally prioritises our health and well being.

When at risk of public panic attacks (which really sucks!) I've found identifying a safe place to crumble helpful (like a store room or somewhere people won't go), or having an escape strategy in place for if I get enough warning signs to get out of there before it hits. Or if there's someone who'll be with me that I trust enough to help get me out of there if I feel one coming on. Otherwise, sometimes I'm just better off not going in the first place. 

Really feeling for you and sending support and best wishes.

Take care,

GTT