TW: mention of thoughts of suicide, domestic abuse, eating disorder
So, over Christmas/ New Year, I took a break down the coast where my family lives. My state of mind was OK, Last year, I was in lockdown for 4 months, and I was determined to enjoy the positive experiences that had been out of my reach for that time. I wanted to swim in the ocean, take a boat trip and see dolphins, that sort of stuff. I was really trying to make the most of those experiences when they came around, be present and grateful. All the positive psychology stuff.
But, it wasn't as simple as that. Family dynamics were difficult, for one thing. Being with my mum is like experiencing intense gaslighting. She can say something incredibly hurtful but genuinely seems to lack the insight or emotional intelligence to understand why it is hurtful. She's also heavy on the disordered eating but in denial. Being around her made me feel really bad about my body and what I eat.
I tried to consciously "let go" of what she was saying, imagining water off a duck's back. But I came away feeling lonelier than ever, because she just doesn't get it and makes me feel crazy and alien. As an adult I understand now that she's the odd one, very odd actually and struggles to connect with me and understand me. But, I still feel this childhood pain of rejection.
I'm very lonely in my life. I was starting to date again, very hard after a history of domestic abuse, but I'm so consumed with hating my body it feels impossible to bridge that right now.
In the wash, the positive experiences have just fallen away, and felt hollow. I was excited about these experiences but they've come and passed and I'm left feeling truly apathetic.
I've been plagued with thoughts of suicide since early adolescence. I'm safe and have it under control. But, it's not just like I want pain or distress to end, but I feel like the positive things that are meant to balance it out are empty and I don't care? I have a counsellor's appointment next week and all of that stuff, but I'm speaking about an existential feeling more than "mental illness". I'm tired and I can't get excited about anything, and I'm giving up on my goals because they feel impossible.
I think maybe if I could spend time with someone who does not gaslight me and undermine my sense of self worth, maybe I could feel different but that feels impossible. Does that person exist? Or am I just as crazy and defective as I feel.
