Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

This relationship is beyond salvageable, we will go to therapy and all you will do is sit there and blame me. There is no point. -Wasnt the case, wanted to work together, not lay blame, just get help to fix the relationship and find solutions to problems and do the work needed. Never did go to therapy. 

Take responsibility, I'm not the one who made all the mistakes, why am I always apologising? I did take responsibility, apologise for my mistakes and changed things. 

I've never been appreciated as a person. Every but if good I did, turned out to be wrong. I'd end up apologising, and changing what I thought was good and lost myself as a person. I don't know who I am anymore. 

Seven months later, still holding onto my perceived mistakes. Is trying to get over it in therapy. I forgave myself for mistakes a while back, her forgiveness is not required. They were not huge mistakes. Little ones, that were easily rectified. Not repeated again.

Regrets from past relationships, choices she made. Over and over again, I used to have this and have that. Own this and own that. She chose to leave it all behind. Couldn't build anything new when stuck in her old. Eventually I just had enough. No longer wanted to create a new life with her. She was stuck in her old life with someone else. 

I feel like I did with my ex. Comparing me to her abusive ex partners. No room to see the real me. I know that self reflection is important and I've done that. I've spoken to people, given them examples. I've never hit her, verbally abused her, controlled her, I taught her about owning her power in relationships, I supported her in doing things she loved, she got to make all her own choices, I didn't stop her from doing anything. None of it mattered, I was abusive. 

If I said any of this to her, she would say I'm blaming her for everything and she is always apologising. Probably go off and cry somewhere. Not see that she was loved. 

Everyday just got worse. I said to her last night, whatever we had is gone. I think it's time for you to move on in your life without me and go find someone that makes you happy. I'm unhappy, miserable and seeing more and more that this is never going to work. I tried many different ways to get help, to try and to sustain our relationship. I was continuously blocked. 

Last but not least I'm blocked in my communication. If I try talk and raise my voice a little, she calls the conversation quits. I raise my voice out if frustration because she already has dominating thoughts there that block out anything I have to say. She waits until things are at breaking point and I'm in bad mental shape before she wants to fix things. She wants to control my me time and how much I have. 

It was OK though when she would ignore me for three days in a row and not bother to do anything even when I was crying and begging her to talk to me. Nothing changed. 

I'm too afraid to talk cause every time it just ends up in an argument and me getting hurt again. Trust is gone, respect is gone and do has communication. I don't even look at her the same anymore or see her the same. 

Enough damage has been done. It's irreparable and if we were married I'd be filing for divorce due to irreconcilable differences. 

If she continues, I will take severe action. She didn't want to learn, so perhaps she needs to learn another way that abuse is NOT OK. 

[TideisTurning]

Hearing your frustration with the situation and despair with the relationship not working out @Powderfinger and I'm sorry. It sounds like you've tried really hard but don't seem to be getting very far. These kinds of conversations can be really hard when emotions are high and people become defensive. One thing that I've found helps me in situations like this is being really careful and intentional with the language I use talking to the other person- I try my best to stick to 'I' statements or otherwise fairly neutral language- so for example, rather than starting with 'when you did xyz...', I reframe it a bit to start with something like 'when x happened, I felt...' In my experience, this has helped prevent the other person becoming defensive, because I'm sticking with describing the situation and it's impact on me and staying away from their part in it, which is where I've found the defensiveness sometimes comes in. 

It also sounds like there's been an impact on how you see yourself. I'm wondering if there's others around you who can remind you of your positive qualities and strengths. If this is possible, it might help if you can write these down somewhere to refer back to later if you need to- for me, I have a little bit of what I like to call a 'smile file' with things just like this for when I'm feeling down and doubtful. For my part, just from what you've posted here, I can see a great deal of care and sensitivity in you, possibly why it feels as painful as it does. But not only that, I can also see a fair bit of resilience and strength in that you've kept going and you're here, sharing openly with us.

TideisTurning 

[Powderfinger]

@TideisTurning 

I assure you it doesn't matter which way I say something. The defensiveness is there either way. I do use I feel statements, I do say when this happened, or the time when this happened, I either say I felt or I feel. Either way, she feels attacked or like I am laying blame on her. I have tried for many many months and now I am at my wits end. I cant do it anymore. So, I have started laying boundaries and consequences. Such as, when you control communication between us, when it is going to suit you and when it isn't, I will cease communicating with you until we can come to a point where it is fair for the both of us and we can compromise fairly. Although I cannot control what you choose to do, I need to be heard and acknowledged. I do follow through now on consquences if my boundary is not respected. 

In saying that this is not comething I am willing to deal with long term. It is taxing, draining and unhealthy. Im seeing how this new boundaries and consequences work out. If it only escalates things, then I know I can really do no more and I am going to have to go to my next plan which I do not know what that is. I am going back to therapy this Wednesday to get more support and help. 

[TideisTurning]

Hi @Powderfinger, it sounds like you've got some great strategies in place as well as contingency plans to fall back on if need be. Follow through is really hard too and I hear the pain and struggle in doing that. Take care and I hope things will improve soon. 

TideisTurning 😊