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Something’s not right

ClockFace
Senior Contributor

The music is gone

Ive been saying for a while that Im just numb, not depresssed but I am more certain now than ever that while I was numb I was depressed, I am depressed. Im safe, Im not having any thoughts that would encourage the need for me to go to ER.
 
I listen to music, a fair bit. When Im driving and when Im going to bed mainly. Generally its something heavy, something that I can get lost in and drowns out the screaming in my head. Ive been struggling at night for something to listen to but as its just to fall asleep to I just put crap on and thats that. Today driving I tried a couple styles/bands and couldnt land on something I wanted to liten to, in the end I opted for silence which is just not me.
 
I stream a lot of shows, but even there Im losing interest, I do it more for the noise than the show. I dont like silence, I think too much and then there is the screaming, which is not too bad lately. But I dont like silence so I have something going, now music isnt an option.
 
My writing helps and I enjoy it, but its more a therapy than a hobby or somethinig I enjoy for enjoyments sake. I actually dont think I have anything in my life that I enjoy just for enjoyments sake. Each day is a day on repeat, just different doctors being seen or Im seeing my sister in a different hospital.
 
I am not working at the moment (Unpaid Leave) so I dont have work to provide any form of enjoyment. Im in more pain since the surgery than I had before and now am told that it could be weeks before I see any relief, so I am even more immobile. I cant even help around the house, let alone help with my Mum or my Sister Im just adding to my Dad's burden.
 
For months its been all about my sister for me and in the process I seem to have lost myself and I dont know where to look to even start finding myself again. And yet all I want to do is recover from this surgery so I can delve back into helping, though maybe not so intensely.
 
I feel like crying, a lot and I dont know what to do about it. I feel like cying but I havent for as long as I remember so I dont know if I can and if I did would I stop.
 
I feel like my identity has become one of medical and mental illnesses, not a person an illness. Everything around me serves to serve my illness, I got to pay for it, I got to work for it, I got accomodate it, there isnt a part of my life untouched by one illness or another. I cant even pee without checking for blood and clots. If Im not serving my illness Im serving the illnesses of my family.
 
Im not feeling so flash today, havent for a while, which I guess most of you already know, its weird how you have something like depression for a while, then one day its like it sneaked up on you and was like BAM, here I am.
1 REPLY 1

Re: The music is gone

Totally get it! It feels like I'm getting icky when listening or reading something and just can't.. like a numb little bug on a tiny leave as boat in the ocean. One day it's smooth sailing and the water is calm and the next minute there's a storm brewing and the waves hit and the thunder is loud and lightning lights up the sky through the dark clouds that appeared out of nowhere.
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