Lived Experience Forum

[JosRapp]

So ends another day, another week. 

Lots of stuff in the media about bullying. But, it only seems to be something that is spoken about when it is on social media, or talked about by some celebrity. It is a popularity driven topic. Yet I always wonder how many who say that they hate bullying and that it should stop, either have, or are, bullying someone themselves. How many people who are bullied never get the media or social media attention. The support and encouragement. 

I never did. As close as I got to any support was to be told to "man up". Stand up for yourself, they will back down if you fight back. 

But they never did. They got a response from me. Something else to laugh at, to make jokes about. 

What was worse than the bullying, were the people who could see it happening, and yet did nothing. No words of support or encouragement. Not even any friendly words. And since a lot of the bullying I have encountered over the years is about how I am always alone and have no friends .... it often feels like one just fuels the other. 

But the bullying isn't always words. Or physical attacks. Being excluded and ignored is just as powerful. Just as painful. And, no matter how much it might be said, time doesn't really heal all wounds. 

[JosRapp]

Will be my birthday on Sunday. 

And it will be another birthday alone. 

Family haven't paid attention to my birthday since before I was a teenager. They know when it is of course. They just don't care. I was told when I was a kid that it was always an annoyance, so, that sums up their attitude really. Not that I have seen them since before Christmas anyway, and even then we didn't say more than half a dozen words. 

Being on a Sunday this year means that there won't even be work as a distraction. Yes, I know some people would suggest that I should get something nice for myself, but really, I can do that at any time, and there is really no material thing that I can think to get. Take myself out to dinner? I can do that at any time too, so, is far from special. 

To have someone to talk with would be special. Someone to have dinner with, or even lunch, or even just a coffee. That would be special. But it won't happen. There has to be someone in your life who wants to do those type of things with you. But I don't have that. 

Worse, to be honest, would be the sympathy birthday greeting. Someone you never speak to, or maybe only hear from once a year. Some message on the internet doesn't take the place of .. well .. someone. It adds to the feeling that people only want to keep me at a certain distance. That nobody wants to even try to get close. 

So, it will be another birthday alone. Some might be OK with having their birthdays alone. It might be something you don't like to celebrate or be reminded of. I would like to, at least once, have a birthday that was good. Something to remember with fondness, instead of it just being yet another day in silence and invisibility. 

I know nobody will see this probably. Like everywhere, I have become invisible on here as well. Yes, I have looked in the Social Spaces section, but, there just doesn't feel like there is anything there I can add to, or get in to. So, I don't know. 

[Eucalypt]

Hi @JosRapp 

I'm sorry that you are feeling so lonely and that you're not sure if the social spaces on the forums meet your needs. I seem to remember that you like to write and make art – I wonder if there might be some threads where people are discussing creative works? It can be hard to get a conversation going online when you often don't know whether anyone else has read your thoughts (and there is often quite a delay between writing and receiving a response) but sometimes just getting it down in writing can be useful itself.  And who knows how your words and experiences may resonate for others who may be too shy – or too unsure of what to say – to respond. I can see that a number of members have certainly indicated to you that they too feel lonely. 

You are not invisible here Josrapp and we look forward to hearing what you decide to do on your birthday.

Take care.

[NNY]

Hi @JosRapp 

Normally I never talk to anyone.

For the first 3 and a half years of my current job all I said was 'Hi.'

I can't remember how it started but I started to talk to the only other guy at work, who splits metal. But we only chat for 10 minutes because I always get to work 10 minutes early, so I'm never late. But he and his wife get there at 7:30 and open up.

I usually look up a topic to talk about, yesterdays topic was the difference between 'caucuses and primaries' in the US election system.

So now I talk for 3 mornings a week, for 10 minutes each morning which equals 30 minutes a week, which isn't too bad I guess.

I did start talking outside for about 2 months, but everyone then went around the corner to avoid me. Oh well. So I went back to sleeping during the breaks up stairs, which is actually better for me because I can get an extra 50 minutes sleep each day.

At my first work Christmas party there, my boss said I didn't have to go to the Christmas party, but I went because it was free food at a restaurant. 

Oh well, what can you do? 

At a different company christmas party, years and years ago, I asked where everyone was sitting, and one guy told me 'ever there' so I went 'over there', but everyone was sitting one the opposite side of the park. So I went home. Oh well, it happens.

[JosRapp]

@NNY  at least you get to talk with someone for 10 minutes. I can't remember the last conversation I had that lasted even half that long. Offline or online. 

[JosRapp]

@Eucalypt, there isn't really much too decide to do. Going to lunch or dinner on my own is something I can do at any time. So is buying myself something I want. So neither are really special or memorable. 

It will just be yet another day alone. Another day in silence. I don't expect even a phone call from my family. They never do. And last time I saw them didn't go well, so, I am tired of trying when I don't even know what I did wrong. Except for being born in the first place. 

Would like to have a birthday for once that was something good to remember. To be able to share even just a few hours of it with someone. But that won't happen. 

It never does. 

[sherpa09]

Hi JosRapp,

Sherpa09 here, (one of the moderators on the forum). I’m really sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment. You’ve shown a lot of strength in coming to the forums and seeking help. It’s really important to talk about how you’re feeling if you’re having negative thoughts and to know that we're here for your support. I'll send you private message also to check in.

Sherpa09.

[JosRapp]

So. Yeah. 

Didn't expect anything, obviously. But also didn't expect it to be as bad as it has been. 

Have had a lot of lonely birthdays, but, this ranks up there as one of the loneliest. One of the most invisible, and isolating birthdays.