Lived Experience Forum

[Diya]

Hi All,

I'll just give a brief introduction to my situation and tell you why im here. I was married in 2006 in India and it was a love marriage and things were great before the marriage and post marriage i had problems with the inlaws. We started to drift apart and he hated me and i did him. So after many fights and arguments we separated or i must say they wanted nothing to do with me. I had to force myself out of something i wanted to work on and so i came back to live with my parents. They just wanted me to move on , get a job and stop thinking about the guy. I did try hard but this was the start of my sadness. i found a job moved to another city and started working from 2007 but i was not over anything iwas hurt and it still hurts as issues of the heart have not been put to rest. My career was great i travelled excelled in my job and in 2008 August i was diagnosed with brain tumor and i was operated in Oct. Post surgery i lost my hearing on the right side and have facial palsy on right side till date.

Years went past i tried hard to fight my lonliness and sadness but things were the same. i applied for divorce in 2009 and it was granted. No contact from him whatsoever. I worked in India till 2011. and in 2010 i had anxiety issues and this let to depression. It was bad and consulted a Psychologist. He gave me a dozen medicines. I hate them but initially took it. slowly i reduced the intake.

In 2011 i came to Australia to study, i did my masters degree and got my PR and last year i found a job. Im currently working there, nut the people are so partial and crazy. From 2006 tilllast year i was never in touch with any of my school or work colleagues from India, as i didnt want to share my sorry life with any one. i didnt want to see others and their happy life. But with FB and Wahtsapp people just dont leave u alone, do they?

I got in touch with all friends from my past. They know all that i have gone through and they say 'I'm Strong'..god that annoys me cause i know wht im going through..

Im irritated and frustrated that after that ex i was married to , i never dated anyone. Or love is just not happening in my life. I know people who are married have a loving husband and they also have a boyfirend at the same time who loves them. For Godsake, wtf, people like me have no where to meet guys or date anyone. I have a small group of friends all r either married or the single ones are crazy.

I hate watching others and their happy lifes..i know people say its just a photo on FB, u never know how they actually live. But i say is why cant something  happen in my life. Am i just born to face miseries and hardship. Dont i derserve love happiness and a family. One friend who was married just chatted with me said 'i love u' and stuff and finally one day did not respond. I was an idiot to even talk to him. i know..but i just longed for love and affection. I hate that im crying , im crying cause im crying..that sounds stupid but i do..i hate myself like this..irritated , frustrated..sometimes i feel' why am i working why am i doing all the things im doing if i dont get what i wnat'..My mom says ill meet the right person when god has decided..i hate that..cause i have spent a decade alone ..i will be old and then ill meet someone..or have a family?I want things to happen in my life im tired of being alone..i want happiness, vacations and a life with people and love..i want what my friends and every normal person had a personal and professional life..i want to stop being a person who is affected by what others do in their life...i want to live a happy, healthy life, and i never want to be depressed.. This feeling sucks and i hate it..

I would like you all to tell me what im doing wrong. and how i can control my irritations and anger. Why do i look at other's life and envy them(i was never like this). I need your thoughts, advise, comments.

Thank You.

Regards,

Diya

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for your honest, intelligent and sensitive story. I have a piano student coming in a minute so cant reply fully, but I am not sure that you are doing that much wrong.  I happen to agree with you that the world is crazy too. Its not just us.

I believe your attitude to your meds is wise. 

I personally have never been on facebook, its just not my style, eventually I went on Linked in, just so that I could know what being online was like. I found the conversations more interesting and heart felt ... but then I love my job .. even if it is small.

I also have been single by choice since I left my husband 15 years ago. In many ways it is a couples' world.  Maybe you can find some groups and meet people who share your interests.

Take care.

Apple

[Former-Member]

Hi Diya, 

Good advice from Appleblossom. Thank you for sharing your story with us - I was sorry to read that you are feeling irritated, angry and depressed - frustrated at not being able to obtain the desired happiness of love and family you long for.

Why do you look at others lives and envy them? Because the grass always appears greener on the other side my friend but this is not always the case - and we sometimes fail to see the good in our own lives (seeing the glass half empty rather than full).

Many people have their struggles within their own marriages and people can be lonely in them if they aren't fulfilled in themselves. Most married couples and families suffer some degree of disfunction and problems - not all is what it seems on the surface as most people put on a mask (especially on Facebook).

Don't be angry as all individuals have their crosses to bear and have had their dreams tossed to the wind many times - take heart as you are not alone in the human struggle. It's about not giving up and holding onto hope that life will get better realising some of our dreams.

How do you control your anger and irritation? - "don't compare your life to others". See the good, no matter how small in your own life (friends, family, good health, a roof over your head, hobbies you enjoy, food on the table, having a job etc - all the good things you presently have), and feel grateful for it as some are not so lucky.  And build on this appreciation by focusing on the good you have now in the present. Live in the present moment focusing on the good - forgetting the past and "not dwelling on what you don't have".

Then visualise in your mind a good future - seeing yourself happy in it no matter how bad you feel now. If you practise all the above daily you will slowly start to feel better about life and your anger will gradually dissipatate.

Everyone needs to feel valued and everyone needs to be loved. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting that. We can experience love in many forms beside marriage that is just as fulfilling; - close friendships and bonds with family/pets, love and appreciation from people we help and make happy. When we give love to others it can come back to us in many different ways and when we least expect it filling that void inside us. Don't look for it - love others and it will freely come back to you through the right persons only when the time is right.

Love is not something we can demand or expect. It is not something we can control as its freely given. Love will be received when it is given so there is no need to feel helpless; and it's not always received in the way or from the person we expect it.

The mystery of love has always intrigued and delighted me; but it also saddens me when others are too blind to see it and pushes it away. Or when they lose it by not nurturing it loyally. 

Before I found true love and gained the capacity to truly love another and nurture my marriage, I had to be in a good place in myself. I needed to sort out my own issues first and grow within myself; to like who I was before I was ready to share that with another person. I needed to know me and the direction I wanted to go - the person I wanted to be before I was ready for a relationship. We won't find complete happiness and peace in another until we find some level of it in ourselves first.

Then being a more happier, positive loving person we will attract others to us and love will find us. That's been my life experience.

All my best to you 🙂

[Diya]

Hi all,

Something has happened..this one guy from my school days..who also knows my ex, contacted me on FB messenger.. we did chat for two days and then one day while chattin i called him a flirt and he got upset and did not talk for few days. Now he has msgd again and nowhe is saying he cant talk cause he is a flirt and did not want anything to happen between us. I' scared and confused..He is in India m here in Aus..we we never friends i camein touch cause he was a common fiend.

Im worried cause all relationships that i get involved in fail miserably. He is so crazy too and im ore serious type But i like him. Should i just stop and never take chances with any guy or leave it and wait for another guy?/

What to do..

[Rockpool]

Hi @Diya,

A very warm welcome to the SANE forums

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, this isn't always an easy thing to do.

I agree with Appleblossom, I don't believe this is an indication that there is something wrong with you.  You have been through some incredibly painful, stressful and difficult situations and fighting loneliness and sadness during these times are common and perfectly understandable.

You are definitely not alone in wondering when things are going to start happening in your life.  I feel as though this is something that alot of people experience but do not talk about.  Fb does have this way of making you feel as though you are missing out on something or even highlighting areas of your life that aren't going as you had planned for yourself, for example getting married or having children.  You're right in saying you dont know if they have a happy life, people tend to only share the positive things on social media and tend to embellish as well to portray the "perfect image" or their perception of this. I have definitely felt this myself on social media and as a result I dont go on it very often anymore as I know it makes me feel sad when I have other areas of my life I have to be thankful for.

While I can understand that you want a family of your own, does your happiness need to be defined by this? Are there other ways you can find happiness in your life at the moment? Sometimes this can be hard when you are thinking about the long-term goals you have for your life, but perhaps there are some things that you can do now that would increase your happiness and enjoyment of life?

Take care @Diya and I look forward to talking to you soon

[Appleblossom]

Maybe your friend from India is not as confident as you thought and rather than be afraid of all the negatives... maybe just chat to him and reassure him and see what happens.  Some people take flirting for granted others are more shy.