Something’s not right
When I get depressed, I go to some really dark places. I do get scared I will never make it back. Between Feburary to April/May of this year, I had a crisis at work and it sent me down that dark hole. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for many many years, and this was another episode that felt touch & go. I made it through. I would not credit our health system very much for this. I tried to reach out and was made to go through several assessments of going over my trauma and situation, for no result, to be "referred out". I was telling the health system, "I'm afraid I can't keep myself safe." I felt like I go nothing more than a shrug. So, that angers me very much. I made it through regardless of the lack of s*****s given by the health system.
Am I proud of myself? These days I do practise much more self compassion, and I stop expecting lack of mental illness to be the baseline of "what you'd expect", you know. I used to hate myself when I became unwell and then when I returned to being well, think to myself, "what do you want a medal or something?" But I do realise now, yes it is feat to get through depression again. It is a dangerous, scary place and I do credit myself for making it out alive. I believe I deserve that now, and I recognise my own strength and perseverance.
However.... the eating disorder is on full blown. I am losing so much money on it, I can't tell you. I've had 6 weeks of no income between jobs (Centrelink also don't want to help 
) and it's stressing me. The more it stresses me, the more I spend money on food!! So, yeah. I've been actively involved in consumer stuff and I've been accessing lots of information on eating disorders. I'm also a trained professional in mental health. I keep searching and searching for the answers. I have fought, and I mean fought my way into an eating disorder outpatient program (I had to threaten to go to the Minister of Health...). That starts in a few weeks.
I feel this topsy turvy kind of feeling. I had to get a new job basically, because my previous employer would not grant my medically evidenced need for a reduction in hours & responsibility 
So, I've had to start a new job. I am very lucky I got something so fitting in terms of what I need right now, and so quickly. I do acknowledge this. But, everything is starting and building again and it's unnerving. I feel better, genuinely better in my mood but I feel discombobulated!
I've had to do a lot of healing. I've been through lots of domestic violence, my own mother is pretty toxic at times. I've only just really grappled with boundaries and holding my self worth. One of my closest friends told me in brutal honesty, every relationship I've had has been abusive and he's so happy that I know my worth now, because he had been watching it for years. That was not a surprise to me, but it was just this reminder of everything I've had to build again. I've had to start my life over and change makes me want to cope with disordered eating and it's frustrating the bejeezus out of me!!! I know I need to see my whole journey right now, like zoom out and look at how far I have come.
I hope beyond hope I can get this eating disorder under control. Then I think the picture will be pretty damn good. I am trying to accept whatever my body will look like in that picture, it's OK because I'm more than my body. I'm my strength, I'm my passion, I'm my inner-warrior that fights for treatment (because this is our country, guys, you have to fight for mental health treatment).
Just, Argh.
