Lived Experience Forum

[creative_writer]

At this point it just seems easier to not have the desire to need support. Why should I need people when I can be independent? I wouldn’t have to learn to trust and be vulnerable with other people. It wouldn’t matter if I feel misunderstood and lonely (while surrounded by people). Its painful to be lonely but know you’re not alone.

[FloatingFeather]

Do you feel safe to be vulnerable on the Forums @creative_writer? I hope you do. I hope it is a place where you feel you can speak your truth and not have to edit yourself or act a certain way. I think it's important for anyone to have somewhere they can go and be their truth. It's exhausting always walking around with a mask - particularly when you aren't feeling very strong.

[creative_writer]

@FloatingFeather it is easier to talk on the forums. I feel this enormous pressure of getting my life together so I am somewhat functional. I don't know I am ever going to be in the right frame of mind. I feel like wounds on my heart don't stop hurting so much.

[FloatingFeather]

I think that it is easier to talk on the forums too @creative_writer. I find that I share more on this platform (with strangers) than I do anywhere else. I guess it's a protective factor being anonymous and not having to edit yourself in case you upset someone else.

You sound like you may be being a bit hard on yourself. I think there are a lot of people that don't have it all together and are just trying to be (as you say) somewhat functional. In my life I talk to a lot of people and am often surprised that the people I would perceive as having it all together often are the ones that are struggling the most. A bit like the old swan gliding on the water metaphor with its feet going furiously under the water. 

It sounds like you are doing your best and no one can ask for anyone to do more than that. It is great you are reaching out on the forums for support - that is a great step in itself.

Is there something you like to do that can help distract your mind - even if for a little while. Alongside your wonderful forum's name it is apparent that you write really well - you are very expressive with your words. Would that be something you would be up to doing to help you decompress a bit?

[creative_writer]

@FloatingFeather being anonymous does help. I’ve contacted SCBS because I started having different SI thoughts so just trying to take it moment by moment right now. Talking helped a bit. I could write but have no ideas right now. I find journaling too difficult and writing poetry more effective.

[Paperdaisy]

Sitting with you tonight @creative_writer please reach out if you need to 💛

[creative_writer]

@Paperdaisy I just hope tomorrow is a better day. Getting through day was hard enough ❤️

[Captain24]

I’m usually happy living alone @creative_writer but some days the distraction would be good. I don’t have to fake being happy on my own. It would be nice if occasionally someone checked on me. I could do what my mind is telling me and it maybe days before anyone found me. 

[creative_writer]

@Captain24 living alone or with people both have pros and cons. It would be nice to have people check up. My mind literally went to places today. I am contemplating whether I should delete any of the messages I sent a friend today, I was having really bad SI at the time.

[Captain24]

Both do have pros and cons @creative_writer Maybe your friend will understand and be there for you. I hope you can find the someone you need.

I don’t even feel I can be completely open on here anymore.