Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

I have finally got around to the point of seeking out therapy yet again. I have had to deal with all my feelings and thoughts about therapy yet again. I am so tired of it. Feel like I have been on this hamster wheel all my life. Moving on. 

I am choosing between two therapists. Everything about this feels so tricky at the moment and it is hard to go through this process alone. I have an appointment with one of the therapists next week Friday and the other therapist cannot see me till the 11th March. The one I am seeing on Friday will only ever be done via video because she lives four hours from me and the other one will be face to face because she lives in my town. (Hard to find good therapists here because it is a regional town) 

Therapist number one that I am seeing this Friday seems ok. There are a few things on my mind about her and moving forward though. I am being honest with myself so that I make the right decision for me, except it is not as easy as it sounds. This therapist is also an artist, specifically a singer and has won awards for her music. So, she is a psychotherapist and a gifted singer. She is not with a label or anything, although she has won emmy awards. She has a website and she can be booked so that tells me she is not with a label. 

Now, me also being an artist of a different kind, I am a writer and have had music in my life since I was very young. I have also worked in the music industry and music is still such a huge part of my life. For those that do not know, other artists always want to speak with other artists. It is just how it is. Artists usually show interests in other artists work, that is just how it is. So, yes I found out she was a singer. I have listened to some of her music and it is amazing. She has a very beautiful voice and has written most of the lyrics for all songs except the covers. Me being a writer, having the experience I have with music and being quite a deep person is like wow for me with this. 

This is what is concerning me personally though. I actually have been upfront with her about this concern even though I have had no session with her yet.I am aware that with this in life, there are boundaries between client and therapist. I am not sure I willl be able to adhere with those boundaries. As of yet, I am not her client. She has a facebook page for her psychotherapist business and she also has a facebook page as a sol artist. I have looked at both. I have also said quite a few things on posts she has written on both pages. When I was posting to things she had said in her posts, I was thinking to myself, should I really be doing this? Am I already saying too much or bombarding her pages too much? I am about to become her client, is this really a good start? These were all the questions running through my mind. It soehow did not stop me though because things she had written were talking points for me. 

I have also pm'd her personally and given her compliments on her work and her talent. I have shared a tiny bit of myself too. She has responded to what I have said. Yet, I am still feeling like I am doing something wrong and that I should not get attached in nay way, because she is about to become my therapist. I have said to her very clearly that if I feel she is not the right fit for me, I will have to go and see this other therapist in March and terminate our therapy. I just do not want to be with the wrong therapist for me. I am extremely fragile, raw and vulnerable still. I am scared to take this step really and trust anyone. 

Another factor that has been on my mind is that well before I even contacted her about having a session with her and I was deciding whether I wanted to or not, I had a dream about her. It was a dream where she fancied me. Like, um in an intimate way. I do not understand why I had that dream. 

So, I really am thinking about this a lot but I have no one to speak to about it all. In the real world, if I was not about to be her client, I would pursue a friendship with her. Friendship only. Clients, cannot be friends with their therapists. This I know. I am actually wondering if I should pull the plug on therapy with her, be really honest about why and just wait to start with this other therapist in March. I feel it will be too hard to keep going otherwise and I really do not need nor want confusing, painful nor tricky things to deal with. 

I just really need a sounding board, someone to hear my thoughts out and provide some feedback because it is really actually starting to do my head in a lot. 

[chibam]

Hi @Powderfinger .

I see from your other post that your pretty anxious about getting a conversation going in this thread. I want to help, but I don't know how useful I could be. My own impression of therapists and modern therapy is pretty unfavorable, TBH.

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@Powderfinger wrote:

Clients, cannot be friends with their therapists. This I know.

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This is one of the main reasons why I have problems with the therapy industry because, IMHO, a therapist should be prepared to be a "friend-for-hire" for their patients, because for a lot of people in crisis, the essence of their problem is that they don't have any friends to provide the assistance that a popular person could normally get for free from their friends.

Maybe I have no business saying this, but from your post, it sounds like what you are really aching for is a friendship (and maybe something more?). So is there much point in embarking into an arrangement where you know from the beginning that you aren't going to get what you need?

As I say, please keep in mind that I have a very unfavorable impression of therapy and maybe any commentary I have to offer is tainted by that and unreliable.

[Powderfinger]

@chibam 

Hi, thank you for your honesty, I feel similarly. This is why I find it so hard to go to therapy. It's like these boundaries that I have trouble not over stepping. 

A few years ago, I saw a therapist for about two years. She was also a psychotherapist. At the begginging after we started therapy, we developed a friendship outside if our therapy sessions. It was purely platonic. 

It didn't last long, as one day she called me and explained that she couldn't be friends with me and also be my therapist. She took responsibility for her mistake. I completely understood and it was a good decision. It was hard because I had no friends but it was the right thing to do. 

After I write this post last night, it helped me gain clarity. I did wish I could talk to someone though. 

I ended up emailing thus therapist and was completely honest with her. Without relaying the entire email, I said I had decided to not move forward in regards to counselling with her. I assured her it wasn't because I didn't think she could help me or wasn't the right fit for me, it was because I could see that she instead would be a good friend to have. I also said that I feel a connection (not a romantic one) more a connection of two trusts and two souls who are spiritually inclined. I said in the real world I could see her as a friend. 

I said that I would be seeing another therapist whom I did not feel this sort of connection with. I've expressed that I would like to build a friendship with her and that she us under no obligation to want the same thing. I think I said a few other things but that was the gist of it all really. 

After I sent it, I felt a relief leave me. It wasn't bothering me so much anymore. I'd been honest, made a decision and got things off my chest. 

At this stage of my life, I know I'm not looking for anything more than friendship from anyone. I simply can't. I still have feelings for my ex, I still miss my ex a lot, I think about her every day and I genuinely feel so much grief. I definitely need therapy, I definitely need friends, but I choose my friends wisely. I cannot be friends with just anyone. 

If I was to become intimately involved with anyone right now, it is a recipe for absolute disaster. I'm not in that space anyway. I'm grieving a loss, I'm vulnerable, I'm fragile, I'm in pain, I have a lot to deal with and I'm a busy person with other things in my life. Hardly great circumstances to enter into dating again. 

I'm not sure if I will ever hear back from her. It's not up to me. I did my part and for the most part, I feel it was the best decision I could if made in regards to all of this. Would love to hear back from you. 

[chibam]

Well @Powderfinger , the main thing is that your happy with the way things have played out. It sounds like you feel as if you've done what's best, and really that's all anyone can do.

I hope you get a favorable reply from this therapist/musician who you aren't going to be a patient of; and I also hope that the therapist you've decided to stick with turns out to work well for you.

Your history with therapy sounds a lot nicer then mine. I got stuck with two monsters, one after the other, and when I finally got out, that was it for me with therapy.

As I said, I have differant views on the relationship between friendship and therapy, so my input on your situation probably won't be very good. But whatever it is your hoping for from your future round of treatment, I hope you get it!

[Powderfinger]

@chibam 

I understand you have different views. Actually no my history with therapy has been absolute crap. I'm.older now and more in touch with myself, my needs and wants. I don't know what I'm going to do moving forward. I'm taking time out and space to figure that out. I've got do much inside me that needs to come out and I don't really know what to do. I'm over everything and just really bad enough of this life. 

[chibam]

@Powderfinger 

I can relate to that.

In my case, my major blunder was going in to therapy assuming that the therapists would actually help me. Everybody - media, the PSAs we were blanketed with, ect. - just everybody promised us that the therapists would help us with whatever we were going through. But it was all a lie. Bait to lure us in to a scam.

So what holds me back now is that I'm not going to go near anyone unless I am reasonably convinced that they are ready, willing and able to actually help me. Not just talk pointlessly about my problems, but to actually help me. As far as I can tell, such a service doesn't currantly exist. As for whether one will exist in the foreseeable future... well, let's just say that I'm not entirely pessimistic about that.

[Powderfinger]

@chibam 

I completely understand your reservations and I understand. I feel much the same. Uetx so also know I'm in way to deep to get myself out. I really can't do it alone. I don't know what else to besides therapy. I'm sorry that you had the experience you did. 

[Acacia]

Hi @chibam

I appreciate your honesty and I’m sorry to hear that therapy hasn’t turned out well for you. I’m pleased to know you’re not entirely pessimistic about the future 🙂

This is just a reminder to members that we all have different experiences and therapy has been incredibly helpful to a lot of people. I encourage anyone who is considering therapy to explore the different types of therapy and therapists available and define their own goals to determine whether or not and with whom therapy may be helpful for them.

[Former-Member]

@Acacia what about if you want to continue with therapy and your psychologist tells you that therapy isn't suitable for you? This has caused me so much trauma. 

[Acacia]

I'm sorry to hear that you've had that experience @Former-Member. I don't know your personal story, but from your name, it sounds like you are hopeful, despite that. I think I would try to remember that therapists are people too, and that is their opinion, not every therapist's opinion.