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Something’s not right

voguefire13
Casual Contributor

Social upheaval.

Hi. 

Recently I have been experiencing rapidly cycling highs, and one of the really troubling symptoms for me is my seeming inability to not be on my phone/be in close contact with people at all times. 

 

I compulsively message friends, two or three times in a row, and get really wound up when I see they have read my message, but have not responded. 

 

I am concerned I am pushing people away with my constant contact as it is annoying - I can see it but it is like a compulsion. I just NEED to do it. 

 

My diagnosis of bipolar II in 2018 has led to me not being able to work until I am 'stable' (how I HATE that word), I cannot go to Uni or do anything that could 'cause stress' and I am so bored and so lonely and I can feel my friends drifting away - even though I see them regularly and get invited to things. 

 

I have an Australia Day party I have been invited to and whilst part of me wants to go and see people, another part of me is incredibly anxious as there are people there who do not know me and will think I am a freak with my impulsiveness, and when I tell them I don't drink they will think I am off the planet. 

I don't know how to talk to people now. The words get caught in my throat, or I start having an intense DnM (at Halloween I talked to a young guy from South Africa about the African youth crime situation in Melbourne for 2 hours. I HAD ONLY JUST MET HIM and my friend I was with told me it was weird.) 

I also don't know how to answer the question "what do you do?" Now.

 

I am dying to respond with "I am attempting to put of my emotions tidily into a blue box with red satin ribbon tied in a bow like you normal members of society - but the box is NOT big enough and the ribbon has not arrived off Etsy."

Instead my doctor has suggested telling people I am on sick leave, and my psych told me to tell people I refuse to submit to the capitalist system. (No idea what that even means). 

 

I just want to go back to work, have something good to focus on and stop overthinking everything. I also want to stop annoying and effecting my friendships. 

1 REPLY 1

Re: Social upheaval.

Hey @voguefire13 thanks so much for sharing and no doubt it's a tiresome journey at times.  Heart

 

It sounds like you're really keen to work again, which is a positive. Is this something you've told your Psych you'd like to start focusing on as a goal? In terms of the social compulsions, mindfulness and DBT can be super helpful around these patterns. Once you harness that energy, it's actually a really positive skill. It sounds like you can have deep philosophical discussions with people that are quite authentic, you might just need some practice in reigning in when/how/who you have them with 🙂

 

How are you feeling now with all of it? 

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