Lived Experience Forum

[Otterly_crazy]

Hi everyone I'm new here..... Well I've lurked for ages without an account but have finally made the leap and signed up because I have a question. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post it here, or if this is the right place so all good if it's not. I have self harmed for years in multiple ways but have been in remission/clean for about a year. Every so often I still have the urge to do something but I find I physically can't make myself do it, like I try to do something but hesitate or chicken out at the last second. I'm kind of glad it happens because it's kept me going without relapse but I want to know why? I used to be able to do quite severe harm to myself needing heaps of stitches or dressings or whatever and now I can't even break the skin properly? Ideas as to why? Not that I want to go back, I'm just curious... Thanks

[BPDSurvivor]

@Otterly_crazy  Welcome! I'm glad you took the step to create an account and join us! These forums are anonymous which means it is a safe place for you to ask questions, post thoughts and ideas, and respond to others. 

I am very much aware of how you were feeling. I battle the same thoughts of self harm every day. I used to become very upset because I was having these thoughts every day, even after being clean for two years. It came to the point where my psychologist pointed out that for years SH was a habit. It became an automatic go to. He emphasised the difference between a thought and an action. A thought to SH is neither good nor bad - it is simply a thought. It is the actual action of SH which can pose a problem. 

With my psychologist, I have been working on breaking the neural pathways which have been embedded in my brain for the last 20 years. In order to do this, it is about blocking these thoughts and re-directing them to mean something else. For example, when I have a thought to SH, I close my eyes and try to visualise a "blocker". The blocker which worked for me was a pink Mr Whippy ice-cream van (sounds silly - but it worked). My thought to SH could not continue because I had Mr Whippy blocking my thought. It would go for a certain extent and then Mr Whippy got in the way - I couldn't go around. I couldn't go above. I couldn't go under this ice cream van. The effort it took to go past this van (or "blocker") was such hard work, that I ended up giving up. What do you think your "blocker" could be?

I hope this makes sense. Some people prefer to sing their thoughts out aloud to a crazy tune, while others just laugh at their thoughts. It is about what works for you. Remember, having these thoughts to SH does not make you a bad person. It is now about re-training your brain to redirect these thoughts.

Wish you well @Otterly_crazy  and once again, a very warm welcome to you.

BPDSurvivor