Lived Experience Forum

[Tawny22]

First time posting here. Don't want to bother my friends and family with my current mental health. I'm struggling today. Have suffered from ptsd since I was a child and with work stress and raising a toddler I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now. Part of me wants to give up on everything but too many people depend on me and I'd just make their lives worse. But I don't know how much longer I can carry all of the baggage I have. I think that everyone would be better off without me and I know this is such a toxic way to think but I just feel worthless. A bad mother, wife, friend and colleague. 

I have spent years in therapy but I currently don't have a professional to speak to and plan on getting back in touch with one when I meet with my GP late this week. I just need to get through the week first. I am currently in a meeting room at work in tears and I can't work out why I feel this way. I need strategies to get through today without feeling like I'm going to fall apart. I work a stressful job with many people who depend on me and I feel like everything is getting too much. Like I'm drowning. I hope that just communicating this helps me feel better as the day progresses. I feel so trapped. My nightmares are getting worse and I'm on medication for my ptsd but it's just not helping like it usually does. I feel like I'm failing but have no clear justification for these feelings. I do well at work, my child is happy and healthy and I have a safe and calm home life.  I just feel broken and don't feel like I have a right to feel this way. I'm sorry for rambling. I just feel like I'm suffocating and I have so much to be grateful for but focusing on the positives isn't helping like it usually does.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Tawny22,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. Please know that you are in a safe, anonymous space with many kind and supportive members with a variety of lived experiences. 

Please know that I hear you and empathise with how you feel. It sounds like you are going through some very hard and heavy emotions right now and I know that isn't easy. Reading through your posts reminded me a time many years when I was standing on my back porch in floods of tears feeling like you are feeling today. I remember thinking `what's wrong with me, I have so much - a beautiful and healthy child, loving husband, good job etc' but I couldn't shake how I was feeling. 

That was about 20 years ago now and I have since had two more children, still married, and life is good at the moment. I am sharing this with you because while I know these feelings are very real for you now, they are feelings and they will pass - with time and the right support things will start looking brighter for you I'm sure. 

I'm glad to read you are going to see your GP next week. Do you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with anyone such your husband, a close friend or family member? Often just sharing your true feelings with someone you can trust and be vulnerable with can help. 

I understand when you say that usually focusing on the positives can typically help relieve what you are feeling right now - I have felt that way too. People would say to me things like "but you have so many good things going on" and they were right but at the time I was just so overwhelmed and emotionally drained I couldn't shift the feelings. My thinking was so clouded I couldn't think straight and didn't feel like myself.

I would encourage you to be kind to yourself - you are going through a lot and it sounds like you could do with some real support at the moment. 

While SANE is here to support you as much as we can unfortunately we are not a crisis centre. If you ever do need immediate support please call:

- LifeLine on 13 11 14

- BeyondBlue on 1300 224 636

- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

Will we are not a crisis centre we are a place for support, safety and to share our lived experiences. Please keep reaching out for support and know you are not alone with your feelings. I for one can really relate to what you are saying and how you are feeling.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[hanami]

Hi there

 @Tawny22 

Sounds like you're going through a rough time right now. It's great you're reaching out for support. I wanted to add that it might be worth having a look at Blueknot,

an organisation that specialises in recovery from complex trauma. They also have a helpline that operates each day from 9-5. Their number is 1300 657 380. 

Sending hugs

Hanami

[Twilightsomniac]

Hi @Tawny22 

I to understand the feelings of worthlessness but the need to carry on for a child/ren. My boy is now 10 and I've struggled with that fight his whole life. 

As someone with 11 siblings I understand the overwhelming feelings of being the one people depend on but with time I learnt to just focus on the one person who truly needed me, my son.

I'm not sure if you need to hear this but it is ok to tell people that they need to work things out for themselves when you feel overwhelmed. The one person who truly needs you to be there is your toddler. 

I find it amazing that you can work with a PTSD diagnosis. I have a C-PTSD (not really sure what the difference is) and a few other things and despite having tried cant work as I have been told my combination of mental health issues make me a liability.

Also your feelings of failing don't need justification, between nightmares and flashbacks and fear it's one of ptsd's favourite emotions to mess with. I also don't know if you've been told this but the trauma psychiatrist that diagnosed me said that quite often people who are diagnosed ptsd don't get a separate diagnosis of depression unless it was diagnosed before the ptsd. This is because depression is actually often seen as a symptom of ptsd. So your feelings of worthlessness and failure could probably stem from that.

Nightmares and flashbacks are the worst I haven't had a medication ever help with those. Maybe mention to your Dr the the meds aren't helping you anymore I know it sucks to change meds but it's better than staying on meds that don't work.

I also want to let you know that your doing an awesome job to go through what you have and keep your child happy and healthy because in the end that's the most important thing right now is to help them to thrive. 

Focusing on positives never really helped me either. I know it isn't what people normally get told to do but focusing on how my 'disappearing' could negatively affect those around me helped me more than focusing on the positives. I use to write up lists, you will be amazed how long that list can get the more you think about it.

Next I know it's probably not anything that will help but rambling is honestly the best way to get everything out. It's  interesting how so many of us on the forums apologise for rambling when it's honestly probably what helps us all the most.

Also because I forgot earlier, welcome to  the forums and a little tip if you are replying to a specific person putting an @ before their name like i did with yours, tags them so they get a notification and see your reply.

[Tawny22]

@FloatingFeather Thanks for your thoughts and advice. It helps a lot knowing what I'm feeling is normal with the amount of stuff I have going on. None of my friends or family are in a position to support me with this due to their own health issues but I will try to be kind to myself and not push myself unnecessarily with work.

[Tawny22]

@hanami thank you so much for that link. I will give them a call.

[Tawny22]

@hanami Thank you for that link. I might reach out to them if I start to unravel more.

[hanami]

You're welcome. ❤️

[Tawny22]

@Twilightsomniac thanks for the reply

 I've struggled with ptsd for 20 years now (c-ptsd if we're gonna split hairs) and the productivity and good feelings that I get when working has helped me keep moving forward and taken away some of the power the abuser had over me. For many years I was too sick to work but I need that focus as it has given me a sense of purpose outside of being a wife and mother, not thay theres anything wrong with those roles, I just need to stay mentally stimulated. What works for me is not necessarily what works for someone else.

 I have had many diagnosises over the years but essentially it all stems from ptsd.  The medication I am on helps most days, unlike the half a dozen other ones I have tried and for the most part it keeps me stable. There are times such as today that the trauma is that heavy that medication isn't going to help. It's just the nature of my illness and I accept that. I just need to stop expecting so much of myself and accept that I need to take some time to process my feelings and be kind to myself.  Thank you for your support.

[Penny4]

Well done for reaching out! 👏 You ARE worth being taken care of. Seek professional help sooner rather than later.