Lived Experience Forum

[catalytic]

Does anyone here have any experience with having BPD and also being in a relationship with someone that had BPD? I find myself in that situation. My partner has BPD, but hasn't officially been diagnosed and won't see a psychologist. We have been together for 11 years. We have three children our youngest is 8 weeks. I'm considering ending everything with the man I consider my soul mate because I can't take the hurt anymore.

It's a toxic co dependant relationship, we can bring out the best in each other and the worst. I have nightmares about him leaving me, I've always seen this as the inevitable future. I've gone through the worst time of my life in the last 8 weeks. Instead of enjoying my newborn I'm a mess. I've been rejected, abandoned, and hurt deeply by my partner and my family.

His reaction to all the stress is to lash out at me and the kids, to drink more, sleep most of the day, and shut me out emotionally and pyschically. We went through a period where we didn't have sex for over 2 years. And this is exactly where the relationship is heading again...I think we're already there.

I didn't end things back then because I needed him. Selfishly I need and still do need the support he provides around the house and with raising the kids. Somehow over the years I've become incapable of doing pretty much anything by myself and he has become officially my carer.

The strain of my mental illness has been too much for him to handle alone with no support. Fathers day yesterday was depressing and nothing like what I wanted. We had no money, and the kids didn't want to spend time with him. Not really surprising since all we've copped lately is him yelling at us. I cooked him breakfast in bed, the eggs were too runny. I cooked him a roast lamb, too much garlic. I had to feed the baby when dinner was ready so he had to dish up, he decided to not dish up a plate for himself and I'm still hearing about that tonight.

Basically he's been a real PITA, but honestly I know my behaviour in the last 7 weeks hasn't been any better. That's the joy of living with BPD, sometimes I have no control of my emotions or the words that fall out of my mouth. Seeing what was coming weeks ago I tried to reach out to him. Stupid me did so by writing a letter, it wasn't all bad. I opened up a part of myself in this letter that I hadn't previously. When I asked him to read it I got a very negative reaction. Letter for him have always been bad, usually from his adopted mother telling him what a dissapointment he is. Pretty much the same treatment I've recieved from my own mother.

His refusal to read the letter was to me a massive rejection. Over the weeks he has also expressed resentment for me ruining his reuniting with his birth mother (which I  did thanks to my mental illness). He has said he feels like he has no life because it all revolves around me. I've been called every name under the sun in the last 8 weeks and over the 11 years. He has told me that I should just "suck it up", he doesn't understand my triggers or anything about BPD. He uses words to hurt me. When I break down and cry I get told to shut up. All I've wanted is for him to hold me and tell me that we are going to get through this. We sleep in separate rooms which is making caring for the baby very hard when he sleeps with him at the other end of the house every night.

I can't do it anymore....I don't want to loose him, but I can't keep being this hurt and rejected by the person I love. I know I'm hurting him too, but I'm trying to change that. I try and do little things to make him happy, but they do the opposite. I see a pyschologist who is trying to teach me about my BPD and how to deal with it. He doesn't trust any medical professional so I can't even convince him to see my psychologist. He came with me to see her once and now avoids the conversation about returning.
He has a problem with alcohol and he wont seek treatment for that either.

I don't know what to do...the rational part of my brain is saying that my kids need to be the priority right now. Our relationship is damaging them in some ways. We are honest and open with them about our struggles, they see we try and work things out. But lately we can't work anything out, the kids are being ignored because neither of us want to even be in the same room as the other. I love this man, but he can't see how much. He can't see that I do appreciate him, and I don't know how to find the words to make him understand that I do.
I've tried talking to him using expressive words as my psych suggested, it gets me no where. He's shut me out and I can't get through to him now. It hurts so much that I have to hide myself in the shed or the car so my crying doesn't bother him. There's no goodnight anymore, he just goes to bed. At the end of the day it's all my fault because I couldn't just "snap out of it", I coudln't pull myself together to give him the comfort he needed and now everything is broken. Without him I have no support and I can't raise these kids alone. Maybe in time I can learn to cope as a single parent, but right now I can't. I have no family or friends I could stay with or move in with. I have no where to go and neither does he. We both feel trapped in a relationship that we can't end because we don't want our children to come from a broken home.

I don't know what to do, I can't go through another night of crying msyelf to sleep because I'm so alone and all I want is him beside me. I've sent him a text, again triying to apologise and express how i'm feeling. That got ingored. Last week I slept in the car for part of the night, while I had the flu. I got ignored then too. Honestly this is what triggers my suicidal thoughts, being so alone. There's this big hole in me and it's never going to be filled.

[catalytic]

Well I think it's over. Another argument at 2am. He's agreed it's over things can't be fixed. So what do I do from here? How can I stop the overwhelming fear of being alone. I'm thinking of just giving him full custody and the rest of what I'm thinking is not healthy at all. Short of calling a help line I have nothing, no support. And I have no family to turn to to because they think he's better off without me anyway.

Does anyone know of  place I can go stay? The hospital wont admit me unless I attempt self harm. I'm scared an very alone. I don't know how I'm going to get up tomorrow and go through this arguing again. I need to leave, but I can't leave my 8 week old baby when I'm his source of food.

Mother and baby unit is out of the question months of waiting. I'm looking at a sleep and settling unit, I have a place waiting for me, but just my luck I'm sick so they wont let me in. I don't know what to do...I've managed to stuff up yet another relationship, this time with kids involved.

[Acacia]

Hello Catalytic

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing your story.

I’m so sorry to hear what you and your partner are going through right now. It sounds like you’ve been incredibly strong for a long time, managing your illness, working at your relationship and being a loving mother for your children.

Sleeping in the shed and the car sounds cold and lonely. I’m really sorry that you’ve found it to be the best option right now. It’s wonderful to have someone you feel is your soul mate but if the relationship is making your life harder and causing you pain, then maybe it is time to leave. Only you can decide when that time is right.

To find somewhere you can stay right now, I’d like to suggest you contact WAYSS. The phone number for their housing program is (03) 9770 2867 and the number for their Women’s Outreach Program is (03) 9783 2769.

Please take care Catalytic. I hope things start to look up soon.

[Former-Member]

Hi @catalytic

I'm sorry i didnt see you post before now! What a horrible time you've been having and during such a precious time too. Focus ont he things that really are important in the here and now, like looking after that lil bubba and your older kids. I never thought that I could leave my ex. he was violent and a nightmare but I had such little belief in myself that i just 'knew' that there was no way i could be a single mum. I thought that leaving him would mean the 'end' and that it was unsurvivable. But I did get through those first few days and weeks. I was homeless with my two kids for a week. i stayed with a work collegue a barely knew for a week before our rental house was ready... which AC Care organised for me. Then when we moved into our new house we had picnics on the floor because we had no table or chairs lol, and our fridge was an esky for a while 😄 And we spent a lot of time at the laundromat! slowly we've built ourselves back up. And I DID IT! We really dont know what we're capable of until we do it. i'm not saying its easy, coz being a single mum is really hard sometimes. but its worth it. I'm safer and happier and i can be a better mum because of it. I can get the help i want to and choose to without having to justify it to someone who doesnt understand or get it. 

If you need to talk to someone i would suggest PANDA could possibly help, as you have a new born. If there is any Domestic violence at all 1800 RESPECT were wonderful on their chat line for me, and they also followed up with me during court stuff. And there's also lifeline as well.

If you havent had your 4 - 8 week check up it might be worth talking to your gp as well, so much must be going on for you hormonally and physically as your body goes back to its non pregnant state (i know i never coped well with changes after my pregnancies!) try to look after yourself as well as you can phsysically as that willl help you emotionally as well too.

Here listening and understanding as best I can,

hope to hear from you again soon,

LJ

[kate11]

Hello,

I felt compelled to respond because your situation sounds a lot like my parents' situation when I was growing up -- right up until I was 16, when they finally, after so many break ups, ended it for good. I wasn't resentful at them at the time, because even as a young child I could see they were mentally ill. I just wanted them to be happy. But, like yourself, they needed each other. THey were co-dependent pyschologically and financially -- sometimes my dad would get so bad he would get into debt and forge my mothers signature and stuff like that. sometimes my mum would be the same and dad would go through a good patch and get a good job. so it changed constantly. but essentially, they were toxic for each other. they were both constantly hurting each other and in immense pain. it was really awful to watch, but, again, I didn't blame them. I knew they were sick.

anyway, I just wanted to say I know what you're going through because I felt my parents pain every day. I know everything about BDP simply from growing up all around it (I also did a lot of my own research to confirm the behaviour). And I feel for you and you must be a very strong person -- I don't know how my parents survived such a long and painful period (they were together for almost 20 years).

But I also wanted to respond from a child's perspective. If you're worried your kids might hate you or anything -- i gurantee they won't; all they want is for you to be happy. however, i was affected, even though i didn't know it at the time. i was a very depressed child -- it went undiagnosed, and followed me into my teens and my adulthood. i'm now 26 and i've battled severe depression and anxiety my whole life. i don't blame my parents, but they were so caught up in their own mental illness they never considered mine. mum even admitted recently she knew i was a depressed child at the time. she didn't explain why she didn't do anything about it -- but what could she do? we had no money. and she was very sick.

the best thing my mum ever did for everyone in my family's mental health was end it for good. it was a crazy time -- it almost killed both of them -- but they are both SO MUCH better because of it! I can't stress that enough! the first couple of years was really rough for them -- i was right there with them. but they finally, after 20 years of hell, did the right thing and got help. real help. and stuck to it. dad moved to tasmania and got off drugs (he was a heroin addict for 9 years) and mum stuck to therapy and finally met a man who was really really good for her. it's been a decade and they are both in really good places now. i'm so proud of them. 

when my parents were together my mum was really really shy. really insecure and really unstable. but after they split, and she finally got real help, and started meetin gnew people and joining different groups and volunteering and stuff, after a couple of years she was a totally different person. 10 years later and she is so confident, lights up a room! dad is also one of my biggest heroes. he overcame so much -- addiction, suicide attempts -- but he said he always thought about me and my brother and that kept him going. and eventually he got there. he is happy and stable. So I guess I wanted to mention that to you. I want you to know that you can get through this, even though it feels like you can't. It would take me literally days to tell you all the stuff my parents went through, but trust me that it was a lot and it was crazy, but they surviived, because of their kids and because of the kindness of other people, and eventually, other partners.

Another thing I wanted to mention -- the fact your partner doesn't understand or accept mental illness. he says to "suck it up". that's huge. if he doesn't try and understand you or your mental illness it will never end well. as someone who grew up with mental illness I do not tolerate or accept people as friends or as parnters if they do not accept mental illness. i recommend you do the same, for your own sanity. please find a group you can meet up with once a week or something who have been through similar things -- it will bring you hope. it will make you feel less alone. that's the thing that has helped me and my parents the most I think -- being able to talk to other people who know what you're going through. 

I really hope this helps in some way. Please reach out for help and stay strong, like you have been (the fact you are still alive proves this!).

xx

[catalytic]

Haven't bothered reading further than the suggestion to call panda they are the ones that have fucked me over and abandoned me along with mentis, neami, anglicare and now this place since I'm not allowed to post my story

[CherryBomb]

Hi @catalytic

This is CherryBomb one of the community managers.

Sorry to hear about your experiences with some of the services, it sounds very frustrating.I hope here on the Forums, we can provide you with some support.

I just want you to know that we encourage and invite people to share their experiences and stories. Sometimes we may ask people to edit their posts. The reason we do this is to keep the community safe from content that might triggering, harmful or breach someone's privacy etc (you can more about this in the guidelines) It's not our intention to make people feel abandoned or prevent them from sharing their story.

I understand that one of our moderators has been in contact with you via email in regards to the post that was removed. Please let me know if you do not have this email and I will resend it to you. The aim of the email was to request for you to make some edits and to encourage you to re-post your story. I apologise if it wasn't clear that you have the option to edit and then re-publish your post. We hope to work with members on their posts, so that they can feel like they can express themeselves while at the same time ensuing the guidelines are followed.

I'd like to highlight that we do have a supportive and caring community as you can see through @Former-Member and @kate11 thoughtful responses to your posts.

We hope that you continue to use the Forums and receive the support that you are looking for.

CherryBomb

[catalytic]

I read the damn guidlines three times no idea why my post was removed, there was no option to edit. I finally found the email from the moderator. Without being able to mention medication that's half of my damn story! The rest easy to change but I wasnt given the option, the post was deleted and now I can't get it back. It took me hours to write that damn post and now it's all gone. So forget it I wasted my time coming here, I should know by now that there is no support for me anywhere. I give up asking for help and I give up interacting with strangers on a stupid forum.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @catalytic

Sorry you haven't had a great experience here. You're welcome to return whenever you like.

If you do want to repost your story, your original post is at the bottom the email that you found.

Take care,

CB

[Former-Member]

 Hi @catalytic

I'm sorry that those places have let you down. And that my post triggered that feeling of unhelpfullness, There is a wonderful community here though who can listen to you and try to understand your situation. 

Hope that things get better for you soon,

LJ