Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Anastasia]

Hi @LearningWaters 

Hoping things are okish in your world?

Hey, just wanted to mention that you might like to edit your original post. It mentions the specific health facility your wife will be going to. Just to keep you anonymous. Take care 🙂

[Smc]

Hi @LearningWaters.

I'm in a different situation. My Mum possibly has undiagnosed BPD, but her presentation was quite different to your wife's. It's a MI with a lot of variations. She's now in aged care, and I think she's possibly mentally in a better state than she's been for years. It's a good home with friendly staff, but also, an aged care home has existing boundaries of acceptable behaviour, and staff who are experienced at dealing with people who may be unreasonable through no fault of their own- dementia residents and suchlike.

There is a possibility that a well managed clinic stay may have the same effect of establishing reasonable boundaries? I'd suggest making sure you talk with staff about that aspect of her stay, and any suggestions for maintaining boundaries once she returns home. BPD is often underlined by a deep sense of insecurity, and the funny thing about boundaries is that we tend to think of them as restrictions, but they also function as safety nets, and can give an increased sense of security.

My family's main carer focus is Older Daughter (mid twenties, second oldest of four kids) who has a severe and long term but poorly defined MI. It's listed as "Other Specified Personality Disorder", which means she ticks boxes for a few different disorders, but not enough of any one disorder to give a clearly defined diagnosis. Hubby and I are pretty burnt out, and it's affected our whole extended family in one way or another. 

So... a nebulous diagnosis means there's no straighforward treatment for her. A lot of our focus is on holding the pieces together (somewhat) for her, and making sure we get enough self care into the mix to keep our heads above water.

Speaking of which- it would be a good idea for you to find some ways to look after yourself while she's in the clinic. Probably absolutely essential. I know that we end up going so full on when our Older Daughter is in a bad patch, that when things ease off, all our deferred emotional reactions catch up with us and we go into a bit of a crash. You may find that the same happens to you.

[Corny]

@Smc seems to have a lot of direct experience as a carer to help guide you @LearningWaters . 

PD's are in my family too. 

My father was a horrible, abusive person who just so happened to suffer from a mental illness (PD). Please note the order in which that was written. Psychiatry is so frustrating sometimes, because language has a powerful impact on our brains and using the word 'personality', confuses people.

Pseudo-science and self-help books don't help with these illnesses either, some of the books are quite ignorant.

My sibs think that our father had BPD, but it wasn't at all. I can understand why they do because it is on the 'border' of psychosis and something else...I can't remember what. I think they say that because one way my fathers illness was expressed was through mimicry. Chronic mimicry of other peoples biographies and it would be all lies which sort of are similar to delusions I suppose. Doctors would say oh gosh that's a complex illness. He was not complex, or deep, he was shallow and entitled to the n-th. None of it happened, none of it was real, but he wasn't psychotic. His lies were so huge, I doubt you would beleive me if I told you the sorts of things he lied about. If you caught him out in a lie, oh my - run, or duck. 

I think that it is a really good thing that you are taking the first step towards change, hang in there, the process is slow, but I had to keep rebooking myself into the honeymoon suite 3 times in 2019, and I haven't been back in 18months wihich is pretty good considering what had happened - Best, Corny 

[LearningWaters]

Thank you @Anastasia for helping me see that; I have since amended it. Thank you for your kindness and for looking out for me; your recommendation is on point.  I hope that this finds you well on that side of the world.

[Anastasia]

Pleasure @LearningWaters 

My boy is in hospital now so I can breathe a little and hope that they take care of him 🙏🤞

[Determined]

Hi @LearningWaters and welcome

As mentioned by @Shaz51 I support my wife who lives with BPD.

I would like to second what @Smc said about boundaries. Boundaries have made a significant improvement in our family.

I was initially reluctant about 'placing rules' on my wife's behaviour. But a counsellor I was seeing at the time that they were not actually rules but boundaries provided and environment of security that limited distress. The counsellor also pointed out that what I was experiencing amounted to domestic violence.

Now I like to view boundaries as loving guidelines not rules to be enforced. Guidelines that provide security through predetermined outcomes. 

It only worked for us because darling was in hospital (private mental health unit) and I was able to have a discussion and leave knowing she was safe when the inital inevitable meltdown happened. (Having prepared her amazingly supportive nurse) 

I will tag you in a post that explains all of this as it is a long story. 

Things are still far from ideal but we have come so far from where we were. 

And secondly as others have mentioned you need to look after yourself. I didn't and suffered a significant burnout as a result. I tried for many years to provide all the support without any assistance even to the point of covering up that we had a problem. 

[LearningWaters]

Thank you @Shaz51 for tagging our friends and connecting their experiences to that which I shared; thank you for your kindness. 

[LearningWaters]

@Faith-and-Hope  thank you for the book recommendation; they without a doubt made a huge difference, I have read them both and am now working through Valerie Porr's Overcoming BPD; it does help bring about some degree of understanding and for that I am grateful. 

[LearningWaters]

Thank you @Corny for sharing of your experiences and the wisdom you have made available. I appreciate your input and your candid account. 

[LearningWaters]

@Anastasia What can I say; you are already going through so much on your side and yet you found time to share some input here. Thank you but more importantly, I hope your boy is coming along okay on that side and that they are tending to him.  I hope that you and your family have been able to take some time out for yourselves too. I can only imagine that all that which is at hand is not easily consumed. Thank you for sharing and thinking of you.