Lived Experience Forum

[Dreamatic]

I'm in a catch 22.

I need some help, really badly.

But

I have a baby

But

I'm having suicidal thoughts all day long. This has occurred since I returned to work two weeks ago. Before that, I wasn't having suicidal thoughts.

If I tell my GP will they have to make a notification to child protection? Even if I'm not actually going to act on them? I can't tell them anything when there could be a risk that my baby could be taken away.

[NikNik]

Hi @Dreamatic 

I'm so sorry to hear about the horrible situation you're going through. No one should go through this alone and you deserve help.

While I don't know the answer to your question 100%, what I can suggest is to contact Lifeline. You can either contact them on the phone on 13 11 14 or through their online chat - https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat

They can help you 24/7 and you can remain anonymous.

PANDA could also be really helpful for you. They have a heap of information and factsheets that might be useful for you now, which you can find here. They also run a helpline 1300 726 306 which is accessible Mon - Friday 10am - 5pm AEST. While I'm not sure about your exact circumstances, they may be able to give you some advice.

Going back to work after having a child is a BIG change (especially just after the big change of having a baby), so it's not uncommon for these changes to imact on one's mental health.

You have made a great first step by coming on here and asking for advice. I hope you continue to reach out for help, because things can get better.

Nik

[kristin]

Dear @Dreamatic 

A very warm welcome to the forum - and sending you a big cyber hug - you sound like you need it. My heart really goes out to you. You've done the right thing reaching out for help. 

I think Nik's suggestion of ringing PANDA is a good one, once they are open. Lifeline in the meantime. Are you on your own or is there someone you can talk to - family, partner, friend? You really need some support here. 

I think it is unlikely that your baby would be taken away - but I understand your fear. Do you know your GP well? The GP would be a good place to start if you feel you can trust them. It generally works this way: if you reach out for help then you are seen to be taking protective action to prevent your child being at risk, this is a good thing and it should not be reportable. However I don't know your GP.

You don't mention which state you live in. It should be helpful if you can also engage with a family support service such as Anglicare. I'm in Victoria, so I only know the numbers here.

Do you need to go back to work now? It sounds like this has been the trigger - maybe you need to wait a bit longer? How old is your baby?

Please reach out to someone and get help - you've made a great start here. Take care of you. Being a mum is a big job on its own.

Hope for time to be well and nurture our children endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[PANDA]

Hi @Dreamatic 

How brave to reach out. You have said you need some help and I need you to know that there is help available. Having thoughts of suicide is scary and can make you feel like you are totally alone in this world. I want you to know that you are not. At PANDA we speak with mums and dads everyday who both love their children AND are having thoughts of suicide. This does not make them or you a bad mother. What it means is there are some things going on for you that need addressing. It means that you need support, understanding and help. The good news is that all these things are available and we can help you access them.

Our phone lines open at 10am tomorrow. We would love to speak with you and work out a plan to help keep you safe in the short term and address your longer term wellbeing by understanding what you are facing and what would be helpful. Some of the things our Mums and Dads talk about are symptoms of depression or anxiety, self harm, intrusive thoughts of harm to baby, loss, relationship conflict, birth trauma, challenges with adjusting to motherhood, traumatic childhood memories, financial pressures or uncertainty about the future. Some things can be addressed through talking openly in a trusting relationship and others might need addressing by a GP or specialist medical professional to diagnose or treat any underlying mental health concern. 

Keeping you safe and helping you to not feel so alone is the most important thing at the moment. I wonder if there is a trusted person in your life that you can share this with. Someone who will accept where you are at and support you without judgement?

Please know that having suicide thoughts does not make you an 'unfit' mother in any way.

I really hope you can phone tomorrow 1300 726 306 and we can work out a way forward. Until then be safe, ring Lifeline if you need to overnight 13 11 14.

Thinking of you Dreamatic.

The PANDA team x

[Baboo]

wow panda team- wonderful reply, i hope this helps Dreamatic- i felt unwell for the first 6-12 mths after my second child- i wondered if it was from lack of sleep at times.

I hope i get to read a response from you soon,

Baboo

[Dreamatic]

Thank you so much for the replies. It helps just to know that someone has heard me.

I spend all day unable to concentrate because my brain is just screaming.

I love my baby and he's my world. It helps to know that I'm not going to be thrown into the 'unfit' box if I share my thoughts. We live with family, and I've always got my husband or our family to help with the baby, so I have a lot of help at home with him.

It's really scary to have these thoughts all the time, and I haven't been sleeping properly because of them. Also haven't really been eating. I want to take care of myself but I'm struggling (especially with work pressures feeling like they are caving in on me).

It's hard for me to share because I'm also scared of being admitted to a mother & baby unit, which I don't want. I'm really scared of being in unfamiliar environments, especially hospitals or hospital like environments.

I wasn't able to call today because I was at work, but I sent Panda an email. Before I had my baby I was referred to them, but i didn't follow up. I really appreciate Panda taking the time to reply and making me feel less alone.

I've used lifeline online chat most nights for the last week. Nights are really hard, and my husband often stays up with me because I am finding it so hard. The only thing that helps is listening to TV on headphones whilst in bed. It helps drown out all my thinking.

[Baboo]

Oh thats fantastic you have people around you that you can reach out to when you need to.

Having bad thoughts doesn't make you an unfit mother-

Yes, not eating enough or not eating the right foods will make a difference. Its the same if you have a cold- when your feeling unwell in the mind its so important to remember to keep a good diet and plenty of water.

I write myself notes about water- other wise im wondering why i have a head ache in the afternoons.

I think the steps you have taken so far to support your self are really good-

Have you ever tried meditation or mindfulness? In a way it can help you notice your fast/ or many thoughts and then let them pass, its a good coping technique for some people. Focusing on gentle breathing, realising your thinking about your shopping list again ( for example) and then letting it pass- going back to your breathing.....oh now i miss doing this, i think i might start again too.

[kristin]

Hi @Dreamatic 

It's good to hear you have some support, and have been able to email PANDA today. Well done.

It sounds like you may have been struggling before the brith, or at least some anticipation that you may be prone to PND?

When I look back at myself when I had my kids I was a sitting duck for it. Amazngly I didn't get it, althought I have struggled with deprression on and off for much of my life, but usually didn't start until about 18 months after tmy babies were born. With the exception of my last one, I was very traumatised by 2009 bushfires when she was 9 months old.

It also sounds like you have some triggers around hospitals (which is a huge trigger for me too - one of the reasons I have PTSD). If hospital is traumatising for you please make sure you tell people this - that you won't find it helpful - otherwise they may think it will help.

Take care of you please. When you are struggling to do it for your own sake work on this for bub's sake.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[Alessandra1992]

I went to a mother baby unit and it was very helpful for me. I had ring Nurse On Call and lucky me found a nurse on the phone who got me to ring North Park the next day.
It was a relatively short stay of 3 days for weaning but I was very supported and grateful that I was able to get in so quickly.
It really helped me relax into my new role..
Sometimes a chance of enviroment is what we need...
Take care, so glad you've contacted Panda, you are not alone..