Lived Experience Forum

[Nickyb]

Hi I'm only new to this site and I think this is a great way to share stories as this type of anxiety is not really talked about... I had no idea where to go when I first started experiencing it!
I have a 15 month old son and about 8 months postpartum I started having intrusive thoughts about hurting him!! They seem to come from nowhere and knocked me for six!! Everything up until this time was going great I was loving being a first time mum and enjoying watching my baby grow and develop.
I had suffered anxiety in the past but nothing will ever compare to the fear I had when these thoughts started haunting me. I was lying in bed one night and suddenly I thought what if someone was to break into our house and harm my family what about harm my son? And then all of a sudden my thoughts turned to what if I was capable of hurting my son?! It snowballed from there and completely took over what if this what if that... I was convinced I was going crazy!! I had never had such horrible thoughts in my life. I was scared to tell anyone for the fear they would think I was an unfit mother and take my baby away!! I was heartbroken and even though I knew I was not a violent or evil person the thoughts were so taurmenting and felt so real all I could think was what if I am capable of such horrible things?! What if I really am a bad person? It even got so bad I was concerned I might do something in my sleep!!! I told my husband who was so supportive and went to my GP!! I got referred to a pyhciatrist who ensured me the thoughts I was having we're very normal!! I still was not convinced. She prescribed me a anti depressant and I started seeing a pyhcologist too! My thoughts now a very few but I feel like I haven't fully recovered and the memory now haunts me with the guilt. I sometimes still question what if?!? It scares the crap out of me. I so wish I could go back to that time when I didn't have them.
I try and accept that they might always be there and to accept them and then there will be less fear! I feel like I am a great mother and person and someday wish to have more children but fear this might happen again! Has anyone felt this way and overcome it?
Everything I have read on instructive thoughts have told me people who suffer are usually the totally opposite in terms of personality and that the fact that these thoughts cause you so much distress means you would never do the things you think! But how do you be ok with this? How do you not have the absolute certainty and be ok to just move on and let them be there and live with it? I truly love my son with all my heart and know in my heart I would and could not ever harm him I just wish I could take away the thoughts and memories about this horrible time and put it all behind me and be Ok with it!!

[Mosaic]

Hi @Nickyb 

Firstly welcome to the SANE Forums and thank you for taking the time to share your story with the community. I know several members on here can relate to your story so I hope you will find it a welcoming and helpful space to share and connect with others walking through similar experiences. Being a parent can be very overwhelming and it can pose challenges we oftentimes don’t expect. It takes a lot of bravery to share those sometimes frightening thoughts and many mothers fear the repurcussions of speaking up about it... But it is important to remember that it is okay to talk about it 🙂

It is great to hear you have reached out for help and received some good support from your doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist over the last several months... I also wonder if anyone has so far mentioned the organisations PANDA - Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia ? You might like to check out their website or give them a call if you ever feel like you needed telephone support 1300 726 306. @PANDA as an organisation also moderate the SANE Forums at different times, so hopefully they can jump in and offer support for you here too. Many have a lived experience of what you're going through. You might like to connect with another mum living with PND @Blossom14 or read her experience here. Please keep us posted on how things are tracking for you and the family.

Again - Welcome and take care!

Cheers,
Mosaic.

[JoseJones]

@Nickyb,

Thank you very much for your contribution, and I hope you found some relief in being able to write it out in a post.  You're absolutely right that this sort of thing is not talked about very much at all.  You describe very vividly the sorts of thoughts you were having, and I can only imagine how frightening it must be to be feeling and thinking that way, and how alone you must have felt not being able to discuss it with anyone!  I can tell from your post that you're still processing the events of that time.  But to paraphrase what you said at the end of your post, the fact that you're still experiencing such raw emotions as a result of the memory of this probably says a lot about your actual character and personality! Have you found any benefit from seeing the psych?

[Nickyb]

It's hard that not many woman speak up about it because from what I have gathered many people have very simillar thoughts when suffering from post natal! It would be nice if more woman shared their experiences.
I actually have spoken to PANDA and they were able to help me at finding my psychologist as she was registered with them and I have found her to be extremely helpful! I guess if I could erase the memory that would be the perfect outcome because it's not so much the thoughts that bother me now but the memories of them! I have always been someone who worries but as you can imagine having thoughts like this caused extreme distress! I know I'm on the right path to getting better and I am not afraid to talk about my experience as I hope it might find another woman who is struggling with the same thing and she might get the courage from reading my post to talk about her experience! I know too that I'm getting the right care and will continue too until I feel I'm 100% better.

[PANDA]

Hi @Nickyb,

How brave of you to speak up about what is so confronting and distressing for so many. No-one tells you during birthing classes about postnatal anxiety or depression which might involve intrusive thoughts and images of harming your baby... distressing images and thoughts that are so far from the essence of who you are.

One of the reasons these 'egodystonic intrusive thoughts' are not more widely discussed is likely to be due to fear of being judged an unfit parent and 'having their children removed'. It is important, however, to distinguish between the commonly experienced egodystonic thoughts related to an anxiety disorder; and the much rarer intrusive thoughts and images in someone who may be experiencing an acute psychotic illness.

Conversations like the one you have started are really important in providing education on this more common and highly distressing perinatal experience. Hopefully your courage will help others on the forums and equip them to support those in their wider community.

It is terrific to hear that you have connected with your psychologist and are on the road to recovery. We hear from many mums that recovery also involes processing the original trauma/distress, many times over, and often this does not occur until symptoms are well under control. Winding back the clock isn't an option unfortunately but continuing taking one day and one step at a time is. I wonder if you can remind yourself in those tough moments of what a good mum you are... and that it will be OK. Many people have told us that this has really helped in moments of uncertainty or distress.

Thanks for starting such an important conversation @Nickyb

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for your post. 

I think it is important to talk about this more widely than the closed room of a clinic ... or a confessional ... for the oldies.

I started motherhood in an unusual manner which tended to cut me off from having many discussions about motherhood.  I did not have those type of thoughts during the first 16 months of mothering my first baby daughter(foster/step), but I had my first suicidal ideation during my first pregnancy (2nd daughter).  I had such a child focussed approach I was mortified that I had damaged my unborn baby.  I guess that was pre-natal. I did not follow through or self harm, but struggled on. 

None of my feelings or thoughts were discussed or handled that well by any of the shrinks I saw. I was so grateful for any attention but when I read others' stories they actually got therapy ... I guess I had too much baggage without even knowing it... and when I asked what that meant to my doctor he got annoyed and stymied further discussion and I had him on a pedestal ... hmmm.   My situation then was very overloaded.

@NickybIt was just good for me as an older mum to read your post and remember my early days of motherhood.

Thanks