Lived Experience Forum

[Cherpieus]

I can't cope with people being upset with me or my children in any way.
Currently my husband is very upset with me and my kids and I feel sick - literally. I also can't control my crying. It just springs out when he's annoyed or critical. I'm trying to stay away from him as much as I can to shield myself from his annoyance but it's very hard as he is home a lot.
He really gets annoyed with the kids over such small things and has unrealistic expectations of 15 year olds.
How can I stop myself reacting to his moods? I wish I didn't care so much. I just want love from him for me and my children.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Cherpieus

I can hear that things are difficult for you at the moment. It sounds like you are having a hard time, especially when your husband gets upset with you or your children - and that makes you phicially ill. 

@Samara @Appleblossom have expressed their experiances with their husbands here. Maybe they may be able to give you some support or advice that can help you care for yourself and children. 

Jacinthebox

[Appleblossom]

I joined the step parent association for a while ...and they alerted me to the fact that husband was not serious about the family .. just into the dirty flirty... thank god those 2 women were ethical and past silly vanities and alerted me to his insincerity. . I could only move a little at a timne ... but the first move I made was to disentangle the 2 girls and get them separate bedrooms .. we would have been a right mess if I had not done that ... so we bought a 4 BR house. That was my story.

However sometimes biologiocal parents expect a little too much of step parents and wont take responsiblity for their children's behaviour ...

I have now witnessed that in many families.

However I think he only has to deal with it 50% of the time .. so each family constellation is different ...

I am not good with boundaries but I would try and get some established asap ... you work out what you can do .. its up to you what you choose ..

yes 15 year olds are tricky ... family therapy rather than blaming yourself for depression would be my recommendation .. describe behaviours etc ...

[NikNik]

Hi @Cherpieus

I saw in another recent post of yours that you were proud of yourself because you managed a situation with your husband in a different way than you would usually.

How's things going now?

Congratulations on implementing a different strategy 🙂

[Jystme]

@Cherpious
Do not answer him, and show him disapproval. He won't just give you love, it sounds like he is a selfish man.

Only YOU really know what hell it's like with him.

Can you say to him; it's time for a serious talk. Later this evening when all the kids are asleep. JUST YOU & ME... And we will either resolve this issue OR not. And Ilm prepared to WALK if no agreement is made, understand?

Do not reply to him asking what's it all about. This is high level negotiating. You've put the law down and there's serious implications to this ongoing behaviour..

Don't talk back either as he will want to talk sooner than you have arranged.
I've done this in the work place where I have to chastise an employee BUT I wanted him to think about it before I allowed him into my board room.,

Practise; " I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" Mohammed Ali.

He OUR psyched his opponents before the game started.
And remember, no one values or redirects one who takes SHIT but does not defend het or himself.
Time to lay the law down. Tell him what is not appropriate. And what you will not have ok your home.
Ask if he understands that? YES. Then ask him., do NOT tell him., it IS HE that must come up with the answer.
"So, John, how do you propose to DO THIS"
And shut up, do not offer suggestions. He must come up with the ANSWERS for when HE says it, then he will do it .
If he breaks the agreement tell him immediately HES let you down, he broke the agreement that was his suggestion.
Don't give him too many goes at breaching agreements.
You might forgive one & give a warning.

Two STRIKES & you're out buddy. Understand?
Go for it girl. You can do it,

[Cherpieus]

Thanks Niknik for your follow up. That's so kind and I feel like someone cares.

Things are better at the moment because my children are at their Dad's place. My husband's mood always improves when they are not around.

I'm doing things to distract myself from his anger and trying desperately not to let my brain interpret it as being my fault.

Finally, after weeks of waiting I have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday to try and fix up my medication which is really not doing anything.

[Cherpieus]

Hi Jystme,

As much as I wish I could do as you suggest it would totally destroy me. I just don't have that sort of strength.

I had to take something back to Bunnings for the third time on the weekend and I showed that I was a little cross. Just doing that made me shake uncontrollably.

I can't cope with conflict which is part of my problem. 😞

Cherpieus

[NikNik]

Hi @Cherpieus

I think you're handling this in a fabulous way - you may not like confrontation, but I think you are showing a lot of strength by seeking help and getting yourself the appointments you need. You should be proud of yourself.

I hope the appointment goes well. Keep us updated and we're here if you need anything 🙂

Nik