Lived Experience Forum

[Jezz]

One of these days I'd like to post on this forum to support someone else who is going through stuff, rather than using it as a coping strategy for myself. 

I only recently found saneforums.org and have been using it kind of as a last attempt at self-managing what I'm feeling, before sending a text to my husband to ask him to come home (which is the beginning of my crisis plan).

I think of other things my psychologist and I talk about. Doing something that gets me outside: It's night time, I'm not about to go for a walk out on the farm to get fresh air in my gills (I wouldn't ordinarily leave the house while the kids were in bed anyway). Doing some form of exercise: it's 9.30pm and I'm way past the point of exhaustion, it's not going to happen.

I'm over tired because not getting restful sleep at night, and I know it is having an impact on me. On my mood, my ability to concentrate in the office (which is usually something that fills my cup...bucket... or whatever you want to call it).

So many important things are in a state of flux and nothing is resolved. When things do land, I seem to keep taking knock after knock.

With each hit the mental load gets heavier and it becomes more and more difficult to achieve any level of productivity at work. It has become a massive snowball effect, there's more to do, more overdue, less time and energy to do it with.

I'm lucky if I complete one thing on my list each day now.

Todays challenges were a flat tyre, an email from my solicitors informing me that I needed to add two new directors to my board in order to apply for a particular charity status for our organisation (an administrative distraction I just didn't need); and also got the news that we were unsuccessful with an Expression of Interest on a block of land that we were going to build our office on. That was a gut punch.

Even before today, the red flags were glaringly ovious. Avoiding eating actual meals and drinking more alcohol than normal. Procrastinating paying bills, or packing things up that get left lying around the house.

My irritability is fairly constant. I don't care about showering or dressing. God it's annoying and shameful to see things unfolding so predictably and not have the care factor or energy to act on it. 

I need a win.

I need something good to happen to spurr me on, even something basic to take one foot step in the forward direction, before a negative trigger snaps like a tripwire at my feet and sends me spiralling.

I'm bumping along so close to the bottom that I can't afford another hit. I know what it will do to my mental state and my ability to function. I know where my thoughts will go, what I will begin to contemplate, and it's an unfair mess to leave behind for others to take care of.

Right now I'm thinking rationally. There are no guarantees it will stay that way.

I think right now, the best thing I can do is sleep. Nothing else can happen, if I'm doing that. And who knows, perhaps I'll even wake up tomorrow feeling a little lighter.

I hope that wherever you are, if you are reading this, you are above the line. You are fighting the good fight, and winning. 

Peace out.

[greenpea]

@Jezz  Hey Jezz and welcome to the forums :). I will go for a walk with you around the farm at night time. I am in the city and used to go for walks sometimes at 3am other times at 4.30am. The quiet was beautiful. Best thing about being awake at this time is the quiet.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Jezz welcome to the forum. 

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are struggling to manage it all. I know what you mean about feeling like you are getting knocked down and with each hit it seems to gets harder to get up again. Also get what you are saying about how things feel like they are starting to not get done and then that piles up and makes it more difficult to do them as there seems more to do all the time.

I'm with the lovely @greenpea about the calm and quiet of night. If you were to consider going for a walk on the farm at night, it may still be a good thing for you if you can face it. Night air possibly giving some clarity and calm. Maybe it doesn't have to be far from the house if the kids are asleep.

Either way I hope things improve for you and that you in some way find the forum helpful, even if just as a place to find others who have been through similar and understand what it can be like.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Jezz 

I'd hazard a guess you are completing many tasks that might not have made it to your list.  Sounds as if you have high bench mark.  Rest and sleep is essential, tho not always easy.  Nah ... no need to exercise when you are exhausted with kids in the house.  Trimming expectations back and being kinder to YOU ... might help.

[Jezz]

Thanks @greenpea. I do love the quiet. Loud sounds and competing background noises is a trigger for me. I can just imagine how beautiful it must be at that time of night in the city. Were you worried about your safety at all? I would be paranoid that someone would step out of the shadows and jump me!

[Jezz]

Hi @Mazarita (can I call you Maz?)

You're right, there is a lot on my plate. I seem to like it that way. When I have less to do, I create new opportunities (that create more work). I'm very good at creating monsters that I then need to find a way to manage. If I had a better cashflow I'd employ a full time Chief of Operations to take the nuts and bolts work off of my plate.

Re going outside, it is something I could try, I guess. Even if I just lie on the lawn and watch the stars for a while. The cool, dark of night might be just what I need to get some clarity and contentment.

I know that small things often have a big impact, and this is a strategy I'll try next time I feel the pressure building. Or even if I don't. It can't hurt to do it just for the pure joy.

I like what you said about being a place to find others. Before I post, I usually skim posts for half an hour or so, just seeing what others are going through and whether I might reply to them, instead of putting my own post out into the ether.

But secretly I know that I don't reply to them because I don't want to engage in something that might add to my load. When it's about me, it doesn't feel as heavy.

It's pretty selfish of me really. But self preservation is. And I'm ok with that, for now.

[Jezz]

You're on the money there, @Appleblossom. I do find myself doing the Urgent instead of the Important. And when I catch myself doing that I try to be disciplined and put it down, then return to what is the highest priority.

I think I'm struggling with too many equally high priority things, and that might be one of the sources of overwhelm. As I said to @Mazarita, I tend to create monsters. Awesome, high impact things on the outside, a lot of work on the inside.

I do have a high standard. I have high expectations of myself, over and above anyone else. I always have. One of the things I remember hearing as a kid was "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well". I think I grew up choosing to become a perfectionist.

It also makes me a bit of a micromanager. I try very hard not to sweat the small stuff, but my god it takes a mammoth effort to step away sometimes.

I wonder where I might start trimming expectations.... it's a tough one. I seriously need to do it, but am unsure where to begin right now.

I've started the year with much lower standards than ever before, building up very slowly from a longer than usual time away from the office over summer, in order to be more present with my family.

It was great for them (and for me), but I found it much harder to kick into gear. And I don't know if it's just that I'm physically so much worse than in other years, or wether I'm just still ramping up. Either way, it feels like crap.

Today I am going to focus on one thing, which I think will be most likely to give me a sense of accomplishment on completion.

Wish me luck.

[greenpea]

@Jezz  Hey Jezz to be honest I was mostly either depressed or manic when I did it lol. When I walked at about 4.30 I had my neighbour with me which was nice.  Only once did I have a woman who started screaming at me. I was so depressed I didnt flinch just walked by her.  I would love to live on a farm. One day maybe xx

[Appleblossom]

Its a really high standard to survive the 25-35 year parenting period in tact.  That doing things well quote was popular in a less stressful time when things were not as complicated.

Take Care @Jezz 

I holidayed  on a farm throughout my young teens and loved it.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Jezz happy to hear you have found some ideas here that may be of some help you. Oh yes, the night, just for the joy. Looking at stars gives me a feeling of the vastness of things beyond the human world, helps give me some perspective, I think.

I am a perfectionist and that saying you quoted runs through my mind at times. I even remember the time it was said to me by Mum, about 50 years ago! We were making the double bed together and she was teaching me about 'hospital corners'. I also remember regularly something my dad wrote in an autograph book he gave me: good better best, never let it rest, until your good is better, and your better, best. At one time I rewrote it to tackle my perfectionism, which definitly has a destructive side. Mine goes:

best, better, good

don't believe in should

until your best is better

and your better, good.

LOL. A joke, but I am guessing humour may be a valid way of tackling perfectionism as well (fingers crossed).