Lived Experience Forum

[SD2016]

Hi.. I am first time poster so hope I'm posting in the right place and hope of its OK that I go into some details (which might not be very nice- about suicide/suicidal feelings) and about how I've been feeling Lately.

I'm just trying to figure out what might be wrong with me right now (I do have a psychologist appointment booked but it's a month away and I'm really struggling).I can only assume I'm having some kind of mental break or breakdown or what, I don't know. Nothing I'm googling is really sounding like the description matches.

I've suffered depression on and off for about 10 years, not necessarily servere, but worse in last 6 years, with feeling suicidal various times, and only twice felt like I was in a danger zone with it, but I never acted on it- I just felt very close. But currently haven't been too depressed overall, have had some anxiety over the last 12 months but not so much right now. However in the last few weeks I seem to have just snapped out of nowhere. I have had a stressful year, and things his month are all coming at once with some big and important deadlines, but I have been mostly on top of it , internally at least.

Then a few weeks ago I started feeling gradually some more irritation and frustration and a lot of anger and short temper that's just grown and gotten to unmanageable levels. It's declined sharply at this stage, after about 3 or 4 weeks of feeling gradually more stressed and short tempered. I'm now at the point where I feel like I am going to break, or am breaking. I'm not controlling my mood as much as I normally could, I just snap at the drop of a hat when another stressor comes my way. I'm feeling very frustrated and angry with myself. I've become very resentful and sad over a bunch of people in my life following two big recent events for me, where those around me virtually showed no interest or concern, people who i expected would; old close friends, close family friends etc. something else happened that traumatised me for about a week, not badly, it impacted me but I feel over that part now I think.

But overall it's gotten to a point where my thoughts are so twisted up with all my stress and frustration, that I can't figure out if I am thinking rationally or not. Im usually pretty aware of my mind and self aware/introspective but now my head is a mess full of knots and empty spaces, or deep spaces which go all to easily into deep and dark Feelings. I'm feeling like maybe I'm just paranoid or convinced that these people who have disappointed me recently are done with me or just self absorbed, I'm not sure what to think, either way it makes me really angry and sad (these are people I've done a lot for) and I'm feelings extreme like I just want to cut off from everyone, or even be very confrontational about my grievances with them (thought I'd hold off for fear of how deep my resentment runs and how confrontational I could be, then regret it) but I still feel like there is a degree of paranoia or delusion and confusion of something about how I am processing just about all my thoughts right now. Or are they not that misguided? I can't seem to figure out the truth or reality and in that way I feel a little not quite sane; I've never struggled to understand reality before.

I feel like I don't know myself, other people or the world around me; I just feel not human. I'm having major struggles interacting with others as I am finding communicating/words/expressing myself hard, and also hard because I feel aware that I am coming across to peope with a demeanour of being unstable, and more intense in my interactions, irritable with others and always feel on the verge of total explosion of anger once something has flicked the switch for me (90% of the anger stays in, but the 10% that gets out seems to sabotage it all and I come across badly) I feel like I've lost my dignity.

I can't tell if I am being overly self critical and overanalysing my behaviour. Everything in my mind is so cryptic right now. The anger comes and goes and I can calm myself down and then any second I am feeling it exploding inside me again.

I feel like I am losing touch with reality on many levels. I am getting depersonalisation but don't feel like I'm having panic attacks, mostly just overwhelmingly frustrated and stressed with some life things right now, but now that's gone to the next level past the life stuff and now has moved into my head and processing of reality and of how to act. I go to the kitchen to get something and before I can pick up the item I suddenly snap into a daze staring off in space, very very focussed and entrenched in an internal intense scenario or thoughts in my head about the things that are upsetting me. But in those moments I feel like I detach from reality and then afterwards I can't remember what I was doing or thinking before I dazed out to this intense place. And after that things don't make sense or feel real for a while. I'm spending a lot of time walking around not knowing what im doing. I thought I saw an apparition the other day, i knew it wasn't real because of an affect of the light, but for a moment I felt like it was real and I just said to myself "oh so I'm seeing ghosts now". That was just once the other day.

;I can be fine for while (or I can go all day feeling excruciatingly tormented and on the edge) but if it's gone, it can be that then within a half hour it all creeps back up on me , and within half an hour I can go from being ok to being suicidal. I have been suicidal at some point most days for the last 7 days or so, but with some intense times where if I had the means, I would've been dangerously close , in a fit of crisis, carrying it out.

I have felt like this over the last weeks, it could last a few hours or days where I lose myself, not feeling like I'm in reality, where all I can think about is death and dying. It's like comforting and at the same time feels real to me when nothing else does. I get lost in those thoughts .And also get lost in the relief of knowing there can be an end. It's gone to some dark places that I don't understand (I've never experienced this extremity of mental torment, or feeling crazy before, I've only felt depressed and suicudal in the past)..

In A less intense suicudal moment a few months back I becane aware that I can't end my life because of my mum. That was a first for me. so my mind starts telling me that I'll hang on for her, but now it tells me that when she passes I will no longer hang on. And I felt so guilty that I felt relief at that, that my relief to know that I can end it one day even if it's far away. I don't think I could survive losing her anyway, and I'd also have no one to intentionally stay alive for. I don't feel like this always, but my mind is going there sometimes. And after all the years of having had bouts of feeling suicidal, I've just reached a point where I've resolved for he first time that I wouldn't do it because of my mum. Whereas before I felt like I'd just need to end anyway, my concept of my mums pain wasn't enough to keep me wanting to be here, until recently. But now it's like my mind says it's ok you get to go once your mum is no longer around and I think that's sad. But I guess it's an improvement on thinking I'd leave her. But hanging on is hard. I also have a incurable chronic illness that debilitates me a good deal, so the idea of death is always one that brings relief, when you're looking at a future of ongoing illness and physical debility. But this current stuff is about the here and now, not about illness or the future. My brain just wants out of this thing here right now.

I don't take drugs or much recreationsl stuff like that, but lately all I want to do is drink, take medication to calm down and to smoke weed.

I feel like my thoughts and feelings which are such a turmoil in my head (and not knowing if they are justified or founded in reality and a response to things that have happened lately, or if they are actually completely just messed up and driving me insane, paranoid and affecting my ability to engage with the outside world, well with people I know anyway. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what it is. I can no longer understand my own thoughts and place in the world.

Am I delusional? Am I having some kind of breakdown? I'm putting all of my focus into not snapping, because I think once I let myself go there, I'll completely lose it and I just can't lose it, not in this next fortnight anyway. But the fight is getting harder.

Is there something really wrong with me? I've not experienced anything like this before and feel like I want to know what this is.

Like today I was fine all day, and then all of a sudden, for no actual reason my thoughts and feelings just switched and I started feeling it all over again.

Sorry for the essay.. It's hard to describe all this..

[eth]

Hi @SD2016 sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time.  It sounds like you really need someone to talk to now, not to just wait out the month til your appointment.  Are you able to ring up for an earlier appointment?  I'm not sure if I can help much other than to listen but I'm here if you want to chat.

@CherryBomb can you suggest any helpful ideas or @NikNik or @Acacia?

[Former-Member]

Hi @SD2016,

Thank you for finding confidence in this forum to share your story. You said you have difficulties interacting and communicating with people, especially with explaining what you are going through. I am glad you found this safe place to try and express your thoughts and feelings – we are a very friendly community.  

It really sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment, with your internal thoughts, feelings and conflicts, as well as your physical, everyday demands and deadlines. It can be very overwhelming. It is also difficult to go through all this with minimal support from people – not showing interest or concern.

It is good that you have made an appointment with you psychologist, I guess now it is just managing yourself until you are able to seek help from your professional support.

Here are some helplines you may be interested in contacting when you need to just have a chat and let it all out, especially in relation to your suicidal thoughts and depression:

Lifeline: 131 114 

Suicide call back: 1300 659 467

Lifeline Suicide Helpline: 1300 651 251

Beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

There is also a really good discussion in the forums called “Coping Box” where people have posted the things that help them when they have urges. Maybe you would find this helpful?

@Former-Member has also posted last year about their struggle with negative thoughts and those feelings of being irrational. I wonder if there is anything you could contribute to this post?

Thank you @eth for posting, it is always nice to know there are people out there who can just listen!

Take care,

Jac

[eth]

The forum called The toolkit might also be helpful.  Also I find mindfulness methods very helpful.  There are many of them, you can just google 'mindfulness'  but the one I use most in really difficult times is called 5x5 breathing.  So easy to do but works wonders.  You simply breath in to a slow count of 5 then out to the slow count of 5.  Do this at least 5 times.  

[Former-Member]

Goodness! You're being tormented by your brain right now, and it's really hard when that happens. I can relate to a lot of what you said, the depersonalization and the feelings of unreality and being confused and emotional. I think you should go and see your gp and let them know what's going on. A month is a long time when you're struggling.
Can you take some personal time at the moment, maybe extract yourself from stress inducing situations?
For me, watching movies/tv helps with the thoughts and voices and helps calm me down. Perhaps find something distracting when you're feeling close to the edge- go for a run, listen to some really loud music?