Lived Experience Forum

[BPD17]

Hi guys,

I'm new to this forum, I'm sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place or this is inappropriate.

I'm married, and for years I've had these emotions of anger and guilt, and depression which would

surface in our day to day lives, and we would get into fights.  At first we both thought it was depresssion, and both seeked help as a couples therapy as well as my own therapy. which seemed to have worked for a while. 
Just a few days ago, I was having an episode where I could no longer control my rage (once again), and ended up being violent and breaking things, to a point where I scared my partner and 2 dogs. (and even myself) 
It was only suggested yesterday that I may be suffering from BPD, which I never really looked into myself.

I have said to my partner that I wanted our relationship to work, and will go through therapy and do ANYTHING to make this work, but now I'm at a point where she wants to separate. 
I understand for someone what doesn't want to be in an abusive relationship anymore, but I'm  feeling so low right now, just when I've managed to finally figure out what I have, I lose someone very dear to me.

Sorry guys, just feeling very low right now, as I moved country and don't really have anyone I can talk to about this, just need to feel a little love right now.

Thanks for listening, and more than happy for mediators to delete this if this was inappropriate.

[tropicalsun]

Hi @BPD17 ,

I am sorry to hear that your partner wants to separate. It sounds like it has been a tough time for you. I am glad you have reached out for support and hope you find community here on the forums. It can be a relief to learn that there is something behind the behaviour and the feelings, but also devastating to lose someone dear to you. I hope that you are able to work things out and reconnect with each other.

I wanted to let you know that I have moved your post where there will hopefully be a bit more traffic and opportunities for other members to respond. Welcome to the forums.

Regards,

tropicalsun

[BPD17]

Thank you! 🙂

[Mazarita]

Hi @BPD17 welcome to the forum.

Feeling for what you are going through, the struggle with anger and depression, and the grief now.

I too have had a lot of anger issues in relationships over the years, vicious verbal abuse that I feel ashamed of. It's the thing I fear the most in myself and I have lost a marriage because of it. The mental health professionals who support me, believe my anger is one of the ways that my depression has been expressed.

Good news is the worst of it was a long time ago now and I have ended up in a much better situation at this time in my life, and much better able to manage my anger. That marriage had to end anyway, I see now.

This is a good place to connect with others who understand the kinds of things you may be going through. I am hoping you have professional mental health support here in Australia.

Either way, I encourage you to please reach out in your real world as well as here on the forum. Perhaps when your mind is clear you could consider Googling community services that might be of some assistance for you.

Well wishes.

[BPD17]

Hi @Mazarita 

Thank you so much for reaching out, I don't know if it is the right diagnosis, but I think I tick a lot of boxes for BPD. I've only come to terms with the realisation that I may suffer from this illness yesterday, and have just began trying to find therapists.

Tricky thing is, I don't really have much of a 'Real Support' group here, in fact hardly any and was in desperate need to try and connect with someone today.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try and google some community services and hopefully find someone I can try and talk to about this, as well as you kind folk on this forum.

I appreciate your time 🙂

[HenryX]

Hi BPD17

It seems, from your comment, that you are very likely in the right place and it is appropriate for you to post here. I am sorry, for both of you, about the circumstances that you have described that brought you here.

I'm sure that if you read other people's posts, and mine, you will see that it is not that unusual to be addressing issues that have been latent for many years and are addressed, later in life (meaning following school years), causing severe upheaval and disruption to, and in our lives.

These issues often come to the surface during stressful events in our lives, such as you described in moving country.

I used to work in the employment “industry” and sometimes said to clients, something that I knew also applied to me, that when we move, our “internal baggage” goes with us.

There is no need to apologize to the members of this forum; we are all in this for similar reasons, though we are addressing a multiplicity of issues, we want to improve our lives and help each other as far as we possibly can. It is very much an environment of mutual assistance.

As I write responses to people, I am aware that others, and I have written lots on our processes, skills, fears, positive expectations, etc, so rather than repeating ourselves, you are very welcome to look through the various posts and responses to see if any thoughts, observations or ideas are there that you may be able to apply in your own life.

Then we can continue a “digital conversation” here about the processes we feel may be useful to us. Sometimes responses may be slow in coming. That is generally because it is a quiet time. You will see from the posts that care is put into our posts in our own very individual ways.

There is an expression that “we have to hit rock bottom before realizing, or being aware that we need assistance”. I sincerely hope that this is your “rock bottom” and although there will probably be a few bumps, you have turned a corner and are on your way up.

We encourage members to protect their identity while on the forums.

I hope that we will be able to talk with you more and, in conjunction with the professional assistance that you are able to access, we can help you achieve the goals that you are targeting.

With Best Wishes,

HenryX

PS. I am fairly new to the site also and still finding my way around. If you have any questions, you may well be helping me also. Cheers