Hi MummaMe,
How brave to talk about what is such a difficult subject. I can really hear how much you love your beautiful daughter and how scared you are about how you will manage with 2! Raising children is a mammoth job and the daily drudgery is something that isn’t talked about much.
It is not OK for you to be so exhausted that you wonder how you will get out of bed each day. You need to know that you are not alone in your exhaustion, it is really common when pregnant and looking after an infant, but it does not mean it needs to be this way. I wonder if you have small rests during the day? Is your daughter in childcare at all? Do you have ways to care for yourself that nourish you not demand of you?
MummaMe when feeling overwhelmed and trapped, it is really normal to experience resentment. That does not make you a bad mum. It just means you need support. We all need support at some point in our lives. It is awesome that you know the sort of mum you want to be and you are talking about how to be that mum.
There are lots of different factors that might be contributing to how you are feeling and just as many strategies to help. For example, have you spoken to a GP about your tiredness and concerns about coping? Maybe you have had depression or anxiety in the past and you are scared about where you are now… and where you might end up. Up to 1 in 10 women experience depression during pregnancy and more than one in seven new mums are diagnosed with postnatal depression each year; anxiety rates are thought to be even higher. The earlier you access support and treatment the better. If you don’t feel you can talk with your GP it might be a good time to find a GP you can talk to about emotional wellbeing and mental health as well as physical health. Another thing you could start straight away is to challenge those labelling thoughts about yourself: ‘stupid’ and ‘selfish’. Can you try to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, without judgement, and see those feelings as an indicator that you need some support: not that you are stupid or selfish or a bad person… or mother… or wife…
I can only imagine how painful it is to be so far from your own family and to have your in-laws here but ‘not here’! Feeling connected and supported is really important for all of us. It doesn’t sound like playgroup and mothers group have worked for you in the way they are meant to either. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries at different groups to find the right mix, where you can be you, without having to wear a mask of coping or pretending. Supported playgroups can be a good option. There are also community supports that can help parents who do not have family nearby or available to provide an extra pair of hands or a hug. It can take a little time to get these supports in place so it would be great if you can take that first step now. If it seems too difficult to manage these things on your own you can phone PANDA and one of the counsellors (most have experienced struggles in early parenthood) can speak with you about the tricky parts of managing each day, some strategies that might work for you, and can look at services that meet your needs. Sometimes just talking about how you feel and it being ‘OK’ helps.
MummaMe there is a way forward and you began it when you made your first post. An enormous cyber hug for you.
The PANDA team (1300 726 306)
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13 YARN