I'm not sure how to get through this. And what even is the point? I know, I know, my son. He's an amazing kid and doesn't deserve an ounce of pain, and all I want is to do the best I can for him. Be alive for him. Be here with him. But sometimes, there's so much pain inside of me, that I want to give in. I don't want to have to keep trying. Yes, Christmas makes it worse. This year is going to be a sh*t storm to navigate. But things here with my family, my partner, it feels like it's falling to pieces. I'm not sure I even understand what's going on. But I know enough, I think. If I'm honest, it feels like things are getting worse with us, there's this distance. I feel like I've done something, or am doing something wrong. I know, I think I know what's going on, same issues around and around again, but I can flip a switch and fix it. And I'm not broken, it's not something to fix. It's learning, navigating, being patient, adjusting to a new normal, and hopefully moving forward. But what if they can't or don't want to? Whete does that leave us? With a lot of distance... and I feel it. And it's new. It's painful. And i feel miserable. I want things to be ok, to be better, and I want to feel loved. I don't feel loved. I don't feel needed. I don't feel wanted. I feel like the only thing I can hold onto is my son needs me to be ok, to be alive. Thats all i can hold on to. And i wish that i could take an easy way out. I wish i could and knowing I can't makes it all the more painful. I don't want to ve alive, and i feel like the only one who will ever miss me is me son. But that's big enough for me to stay alive for now. I never want to do anything to cause him pain. Ever. But I'm hurting and i want to ve selfish. I don't want to be alove anymore. Facing peole, facing what's coming, if I don't have my partner in my corner, if they disappear on me, how? How do i get through life? I don't thijnk i can. Or want to. Just a fuc*ing failure. At everything. With eveyone. Always ducking things up everywhere. I just hate myself so fuck*nh much. I wish i dodnt have to stay alive. I wish i could let go tonight. Its all fuck in f pointless in the end. We live we die, no hig deal. I wish i didn't have to keep struggling. I just wantti guvking die.
