Lived Experience Forum

[Angel80]

I'm not sure how to put this into words.
I wear this mask every day, it not only protects me from others, but also protects others from me. I try to pretend that I'm doing OK even if I'm not. I guess I hope that if I pretend long enough that eventually it will become a reality. After 20 years I'm still waiting. Right now though, I can feel that mask breaking. I don't know what to do. I'm tired, I'm weak, I'm frightened and I feel so alone. I have to find a way to glue my mask back together....and fast. Each day seems to last forever when all I really want is to have them pass quickly. I'm not living, I'm just existing. I'm not sure how long I can hold up this facade though. I can feel it from deep inside. Things aren't good.
Angel80

[Former-Member]

Hi @Angel80

Sorry to read that you are feeling low and like you are just existing at the moment. The mask metaphor is one that many here can relate to. When you are living with a MI, you can't talk about it all the time and to everyone. It can feel very scary and lonely at times.

What can help you get through a dark patch, is to talk with someone who understands and is supportive. 

Maybe you need to use that mask less. By that I mean, getting good support when you are shaky and low, and being honest about what you can and can't do. It sounds like you are a very caring Mum and by getting effective support and treatment, you will be able to be stronger and more present for your kids.

Can you talk to a partner/family/friend about what is going on right now?

I am moderating on Sane until midnight and am here if you want to chat a bit more.

kind regards,

Frog

[Angel80]

I have no friends. My son, 18, knows that I have depression but doesn't want anything to do with it after years of instability. My daughter, 15, has depression herself so I'm trying to support her. My psychiatrist who I see each week has gone away for the next month. I am officially alone. I am really worried.

[Arjay]

Hi Angel80

I too have a mask that is quite old.  It has cracked and been glued back, it has fallen off and been repositioned but more and more as I understand myself a little more and MI is accepted more in the community, I can take it off and be me.  Just me.  It's often very hard but usually helpful times when I do this.  I hope you can do what is right for you.  

You are loved.

Cheers

[Former-Member]

I can understand why you are worried, feeling so depressed and no support people around.

Hi Again. Can I suggest that you call one of the 24 hour helplines if you feel you are getting worse and talk over some options with a counsellor:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636

One of the benefits of talking (anonymously) to a counsellor is that they can fully listen without judgement or emotional involvement, and help you work out a next step.

Angel80, are you going to be safe tonight and the next few days? Please take care and call the helplines if you need support. You can also email me via the Sane site if you want to discuss things privately.

warm regards,

Frog

[Angel80]

I did what frog suggested last night and contacted lifeline. I didn't feel like talking to anyone so I went on the online chat. It was OK I guess. They wanted to make sure I was safe. That's fine except I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I say no and they send people over here and I end up in hospital. Not a good outcome. The other option is to say everything is fine when I'm really struggling. Not knowing if I will be able to keep myself together. I feel so alone.

[Appleblossom]

I guess the other thing is with our children is they are so sensitive and see us beneath our masks.

Maybe its about getting supports in place til your pdoc returns.

[Angel80]

I don't have support, I never have. My family doesn't care and I don't have friends. There is nothing I can do about it.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Angel80, it is a really hard thing 'chatting' on lifeline but it's my preferred option as my walls have ears as I'd imagine your do to with kids that age. For me though it has helped distract enough to help the urge pass and tire me out. I am the same with the safe/not safe thing but I guess that's what they have to do. I also get frustrated sometimes because I think I wouldn't be contacting them if I was feeling safe. I've just begun to realise when I'm really not safe and recently took myself to ED in hospital which was daunting but I'd had days of feeling unsafe and couldn't cope anymore. Sometime just chatting on here is enough but you need someone to be around at the right time. I have called suicide call back service and they were good, I sat in my car to do it away from my kids. I hope tonight is a little better for you. Take care 💜🤗

[Appleblossom]

I did not have friends or family at the time I was homeschooling. @Angel80 I thought I had my mother when I homeschooled my son in Grade 4 but ....

I only say it, as a hope that you can do it too and come through it.

By setting up support I am referring to the supports I have read about on the internet and forums. Somehow I never plugged into the right homeschool groups .. maybe thats why karma has it that I am now in a relationship with someone who worked in that section of the ed dept.

What about Carer groups? I have had a little distraction from joining them.  Was told that I deserved and needed more support, still trying to get "it" myself,