Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tresda]

Hi, everyone. I am hoping I can get some help here. 

First, some background. My daughter is in her early 30's, is in a long-term relationship with a great guy who is loving, supportive, patient and has a good job. They have two young children. Their almost 5-year-old (her eldest) was diagnosed with T1 diabetes almost 2 and a half years ago. They also have a 3-year-old. The diabetes has caused an awful lot of stress and life changes and she seems unable to accept help, feeling that she has to do everything herself, but then complaining when she does it. Her 3yo is also a very independent child and not averse to a little sibling rivalry, which doesn't help.

My daughter used to be very carefree, happy, relaxed, ambitious and just all around a really nice person. Slowly though, without anyone really noticing until it all came to a head, she had changed to the point where I only see glimpses of her old self. She is stressed, completely apathetic to what's going on around her, detached from family and friends, predominantly emotionless, physically recoils at her partner's and others' touch (even though she used to enjoy hugs) and can't show affection, quick to anger (she used to be a very calm person) and now swears inappropriately in front of the kids (something she would never have even entertained a couple of years ago). She seems incapable of asking for help when she needs it. She doesn't believe that she has changed or that she even has a problem, which makes bringing up the topic especially difficult. She's exceptionally temperamental (never used to be) and has adopted a very sarcastic manner (again, this is new). She has developed body issues, doesn't like to be looked at, has developed a very low self-esteem (despite the fact that she used to be so confident)  and ... well, I could go on. Suffice to say, she's changed enough for us to be very worried. She did agree (and has been to see) a counsellor but unfortunately, she has decided to tell the counsellor that it's a relationship problem and refuses to entertain anything else. Sadly, that's not it.

My question is, how do I get her to accept that she has a problem and needs to see someone, and who would we go to?   I am worried sick for her and her family. They are a wonderful unit and she has admitted to her partner that perhaps she is sabotaging the relationship, but she doesn't know why.

If anyone can help, I would truly appreciate it. They're in Adelaide by the way.

Tresda

[Former-Member]

@Tresda

Carer burnout can be a real problem, there are some links to this (think in "what's new" tab). Getting good coping mechanisms into place is necessary, accepting help can be difficult.

Carers SA might be a good starting point, they offer support to carers of those with chronic illness
http://carers-sa.asn.au/about-us

Don't know if Diabetes SA offer support to parents of children with diabetes this is their website
http://www.diabetessa.com.au

Hope these help
Darcy

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tresda

Was thinking exactly along the same lines to @Former-Member - carers burnout. Have experienced this in some ways myself. Your daughter needs to allow others to help. Try and explain that by seeking help is in no way a display of weakness or falling short as a person (failure), but being human we all need at times some help in ongoing stressful conditions. No one can do it alone without coming undone. That she is not alone in what she is going through, hence the support groups.

Also seeing her GP for a full medical and perhaps some temporary assistance with anti-Depressants to help her sleep and cope.

If she can't accept this or do this for herself - then in a tactful but firm way say that if she doesn't seek help her family will suffer, particularly the children. Point this out. If she goes down, so will they. Love for our family is the best motivator to help ourselves in the bid to prevent their suffering. Let us know how it goes.

[Tresda]

As far as sleeping is concerned, if anything she sleeps too well. She or her partner are supposed to get up at night to check my grandson's BGL's but she will sleep through two different alarms going off at the same time, so my son-in-law often has to do it, when exhausts him as he has to get up early for work. I'll look into the carer's burnout theory. Thanks. 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tresda
How are things going? Has your daughter been amenable to getting help.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Tresda
Checking in to see how things are going.

[Tresda]

For a while, it seemed as though she was doing something, even going to see a counsellor. However, the counsellor was dreadful (and I know... I'm a qualified counsellor) and very little changed. For a while, she did seem to become happier and more animated, but even then it seemed forced and way over the top, as though she just wanted to please people to get them off of her back. It now seems as though she will be ending her relationship with her partner and this is a huge concern for me. He really is a great guy, loves her to death and wants nothing but her happiness but my biggest worry is her lack of empathy and care towards pretty much anything or anyone. What can cause lack of empathy? What can cause someone to not care about the feelings of others?

[Former-Member]

Hey @Tresda
I hope that my previous response did not offend. As you would no doubt be aware, the stress that acute on chronic illness puts on parents is enormous and how they do or do not cope is so variable. The effects of caring in relation to carer mental health is well documented - I do not know whether or not this is a factor in relation to your daughter.

Darcy

[Agnes]

Depression?

[Tresda]

Not at all sure if it's depression or something else. She is suddenly really struggling to cope with the kids, and considering how strong she used to be and how able to cope with almost everything that came along, the changes are stark.