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Something’s not right

Bow
Senior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

Thanks @WIP @outlander @Snowie @Anastasia @Eve7 @Emelia8 

 

ive just got home from my appointment with the new pdoc- yes I managed to get myself there just. I swear he is almost 100 and don't know how he is still registered. He said he moved here 25 yrs ago to retired but loves psychiatry so much he kept going. I could hardly hear him the majority of the time and was constantly asking him to repeat himself. I think when he opened the door i immediately had reservations about how this was going to go. I tried to have an open mind though as I walked in. 

I had concerns about having to tell my story all over again but my gp reassured me that she had sent a very thorough history and it wouldn't be so bad. It was. I had to go over everything. I did not mention the SA that happened the other night. 

I'm not sure how helpful he is going to be. he was puzzled by my eating issues, apparently very unusual to develop them at my age. But he did confirm that diagnosis- which is what my gp wanted so that she can do me up a EDP.  He also added complex PTSD/BPD- he said it's hard to distinguish between them, GA, major depression and others that again I didn't hear. 

 

I have another appointment with him in 2 weeks time and then again a week later, he said he was going to help me with something- I didn't quite hear him though. He said I need to learn to leave my past behind me. I know that but it's not as simple as that. 

 

he doesn't like medication. I think I was really hoping he would give me more meds. I'm currently only on a low dose ad and I'm obviously not coping. I can't live like this anymore. I feel shattered today. So tired. I feel like I am going to fall apart once my daughter starts school next week. I will no longer have a reason to exist through the day. It concerns me. I'm scared I will end up self medicating my days away.  I again feel extremely hopeless. 

Sorry @WIP that was a long answer to your how are you. 

Re: My Mosaic

@Bow 

Well done on getting to the pdoc today. Sometimes that is such a big deal within ourselves.

I'm sorry you had to go over everything, that must have been hard for you hun.

 

I can understand completely what you mean about your daughter going to school. I feel the same way with my kids. When they are home they give me purpose and keep me going. With them back to school, I find the days harder too.

 

Lots of hugs and love hun 💜💜

Re: My Mosaic

Hi @Bow 

 

It sounds like the appointment today has taken a lot out of you, let alone what you have been through this week. Recognising that you feel shattered and exhausted today - and knowing that you are healing through some truly heavy things, please take care of yourself today.

I am glad you can find support and connection in this space where you are so valued, and remember to reach out to other support services if and when you need today Heart 

Bow
Senior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

Thanks @Basil ... @Snowie 

 

what do you do with your days @Snowie forgive me if you've already said, do you work? I'm actually due to see my psych on my daughters first day, I'd like to see her sooner though. 

Re: My Mosaic

@Bow 

No I don't work at the moment hun. I am actually not sure if I would be able to get through a day at work at this stage. My days are normally filled with psych and pdoc appointments and just doing doing things around the house.

I struggle with filling my days but then when my days are busy I struggle too with not having time to myself. If you can understnad that at all!!

 

When does our daughter start school? My two start this Friday.

Bow
Senior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

Oh I get that @Snowie for sure. Appreciate the distraction that busyness brings, but just don't cope. Sometimes it really is about getting through each hour.... Deep breathing....

 

my daughters first day is Tuesday. Kinder! 

I do some admin work from home, but really struggle to get it done. I can't focus. Takes me hours to get something done which would normally take me 1/2hr. 

 

Re: My Mosaic

It is about getting through each hour at times hun @Bow 

Some days are ok, some not, they just seem to roll into one another.

 

Both my kids are in high school so fairly independent. They can get themselves eady in the mornings, I just am the taxi back and forth for them!!

I hope your daughter enjoys kinder hun and she makes some friends. I am sure she will fit right in.

 

Bow
Senior Contributor

Re: My Mosaic

Yes @Snowie hour by hour often. I often lose track of the days, same stuff diff day really.

Re: My Mosaic

Offering a loving hug @Bow 

 

💖🤗💖

Re: My Mosaic

Hey @Bow, I can definitely relate to the feeling of struggling to get up after being knocked down so many times. The more times you're knocked down, the harder it feels, and less point there can seem, to getting back up again. I'm hearing your overwhelm- it's sounding like it might be helpful to take a break and some time out for yourself too, maybe do something nice? 

I just wanted to mention too- please know that we email when there's something that causes us concern about you, just to check in and make sure you're safe for now. I understand how important it can be to vent and release a little of what might be weighing on you though, and so I want to encourage you to keep reaching out here too. Wishing you the strength and courage to get through this really tricky and trying time. 💝

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